You guys. Today is not a good day. I just can’t stop crying.
I had my CD 11 ultrasound this morning. I have a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my left ovary and a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my right ovary. I had blood work done to check my LH level to see if I will surge on my own. I already know I won’t because I never do on Clomid, so I will be going back bright and early tomorrow for another ultrasound and probably trigger with the HCG shot tomorrow afternoon. In the bathroom. At work…. All of which will equal an IUI on Saturday.
Sounds like good news, right? And it is exactly what I wanted–4 follicles, although only two will be mature enough to ovulate. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that my body is responding as it should. So why am I tearing up as I write this? That’s a very good question, ladies. Glad you asked.
Most likely it has to do with the Clomid. This is my fourth medicated cycle using Clomid and typically I never experience any side effects. This month, however, is SO different. I had migraine-style headaches that lasted days. My face and chest are broken out in all these tiny red bumps. I never break out and now I am terrified that my skin is going to be like this forever. Well, let me qualify that–I do break out from time to time, but never in such quantity. There are probably about 50 zits on my face. My husband says they aren’t noticeable, but I see them every time I look in the mirror.
And the mood swings…Oh the Mood Swings. I have been straight up bitchy all week and I refuse to make apologies for it. That’s how I know it’s bad. I am more than aware that I am being unreasonable and I just don’t effing care. Then today came the waterworks. I barely made it out of my RE’s office before the tears started pouring down my face. I called my husband and cried to him for a bit. Then I called my Mom and cried to her for even longer.
You see, my actual RE was the one who did my ultrasound this morning and afterward she told me that I needed to make an appointment to sit down with her and discuss our plan again because obviously this isn’t working. It’s been almost a year, I’ve done 5 medicated cycles, and I’m still not pregnant. She said “we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it happens this month.” I know exactly what that means. This is doctor speak for we seriously need to consider IVF.
But I’m not ready. Neither financially nor emotionally. But especially not financially. How the hell does one pull $15k out of thin air?
I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I am becoming ambivalent towards this whole process and I can no longer see it as a means to an end. To be honest, some days I feel so unattached from my desire to be a mother that I totally forget why I am doing this in the first place. I guess that’s denial. Then there are days where it consumes my every thought and I am overly emotional at the idea that this might just never happen for me. Most days I attempt to avoid triggers in any direction so as to fool myself into believing that I am blissfully happy with the current state of my affairs. Maybe that’s actually denial?
Either way, I’m a damn mess. I’m scared. Anxious. Guilt-ridden. And so many other emotions that I didn’t even have names for.
Infertility effs with EVERYTHING! My complexion, my weight, and my emotions are just the beginning. Never mind how I see my relationships with my dearest friends changing right before my eyes. I know it isn’t due to anything that either of us is doing wrong, it’s just the way life works. We have different lifestyles and different priorities these days. Why would I even want to be invited to a play date anyway? I don’t! In fact, I can’t imagine anything more traumatic for me at this point. Yet, somehow that doesn’t erase the feelings of feeling excluded.
Then there is my marriage. I’m telling you, nothing is safe from the reach of infertility. There was a time not too long ago when I wrote about how infertility was bringing my husband and I closer together. That since we were the only people on whole, wide world who knew what it felt like to be us, our bond was further cemented in that unfortunate reality. However, I fear that is no longer the case. These days we barely talk about it. We face scheduled sex like homework. In fact, that’s how my RE actually refers to it. I know we could do better, we could try harder. But I really think neither of us has much fight left in us for that. Then there is the fact that this is my problem. He could go on and probably have 15 children with any fertile woman of his choosing. Logically I know this is backwards thinking. He has told me as much: I don’t get to make that decision for him. But, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a small part of me that considers letting him go for this reason. I just know how devastated I would be (and am) at the prospect of facing a future without my own biological children. This decision would probably kill me, but I see it as a gift I could give to him. Perhaps the most selfless thing I could ever do in my life. I hope it never has to come to that point, but these are thoughts that keep my up and night and in tears all day.
I’m just all over the place and I know even more difficult decisions will need to be made. And soon.