October 29: Hurricanes, Symptom Spotting, and Writing Prompts. Oh My!

Hurricane:

Well we’ve batten down the hatches as best we could and have braced ourselves for hurricane Sandy to hit. Right now it’s pouring and super windy, but apparently the worst is yet to come. I have beer, batteries, and a roast in the crock pot. I don’t really see what more I can do to prepare. I’m just crossing my fingers that the power stays on until the roast finishes cooking. The mayor is enforcing road restrictions from 6pm tonight until noon tomorrow, so we legally aren’t allowed to go anywhere. Not that we have anywhere to go, but still. Scary stuff. The fun part is that I got out of work at noon today and won’t be going in tomorrow. Our house is serving as hurricane party central and we have a few potential boarders on call in case they lose power. So, if you don’t hear from me for a few days it’s either because I don’t have power or the hurricane party is still raging.

Symptom Spotting 9DPO:

Disclaimer: I’m on progesterone so the following should all be taken with a grain of salt.

• I have been super tired. Like, I’m fine during the day but I have been sleeping like a rock at night and having a hard time getting up in the mornings.
• I have had a very heightened sense of smell. For example, it reeked like cough drops when we walked into the grocery store yesterday but my husband couldn’t smell it at all. Same thing at the mall, but this time is was body odor. Same thing this morning except it was the whiskey in my co-worker’s coffee.
• Tender nipples. (sounds like a love song)
• As of today I have been having dull pains in my uterus-area. It almost feels like a gas pain, but then there is no gas. Kind of a pulling sensation. That’s the best I can describe it.

I think I will start peeing on things come Wednesday morning at 11 DPO. Does that seem reasonable?

Writing Prompts:

October 27: Girl or Boy? Given a choice, which would you choose as the sex of your first child?

Obviously  I would be grateful for either. But supposing for a moment that I was both fertile and had the luxury of choosing, then I would definitely go girl. My brother has 3 daughters and my mom is one of 5 girls so I think my chances are pretty good. My reasoning is entirely superficial–I want a little mini-me that I can dress up and do girly things with. Although, God help me when my mini-me hits her teenage years!
October 28: What is the meaning of life?

I actually don’t think there is any meaning to life. I think we all got here by a ridiculously strange coincidence in which every aligned just so that it allowed for life to exist. That being said, I do believe that since we are here anyway that we might as well be the best people that we can be and find that which makes us truly happy. Love. Just love. I think that is the answer to everything. That and science 🙂
October 29: Define what you consider cheating. Where do you draw that line?

In my opinion, there are many levels to this answer. We wouldn’t be human if we were never attracted to another person besides he/she that we have chosen to be in a relationship with. However, I think cheating is doing anything that you don’t have permission from your significant other to do. I don’t really care when my husband flirts with other girls, for example. It’s harmless and it gives him a little ego boost that I get to reap the rewards of later. Yet, should he touch another woman in that way then it definitely would not be ok.

Emotional relationships are where it gets hazy in my opinion. My husband has plenty of guy friends that he spends tons of time with. He has developed deep, personal relationships with these men and I never think twice about them spending time together. But how would I feel if he had this kind of relationship with another woman? My first reaction is that it would make me very uncomfortable. Then I ask myself why and the only answer I can come up with is because she is a she as opposed to a he. In reality, there isn’t anything wrong with that.

I think that, in the end, it all comes down to trust. He should be able to do whatever he wants (not physically) with whomever he chooses and I should be able to trust that he always has my best interest in heart. Besides, if he effed up then I probably shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.

 

Be sure to check out these lovely ladies who are also participating in the October Writing Prompts (and it’s never too late if you want to join in as well!)

Arwen Rose @ MRKH Musings

EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow

futuresoccermom @ Pregnancy 101

Kathryn @ Kathryn Finding Fertility

Rainbow Catcher @ Catching Our Rainbow

StorkChaser @ Dog Mom Chasing the Stork

Jenny @ Sprout

Amanda @ Reading Each Page

Jennifer @ Waiting For Baby

JB @ Bickerstaff Blog

How We Are Learning To Be Parents

KelBel @ Tales From Our Yellow Brick Road

Stupid Stork @ Stupid Stork

Sunny @ Cease and Decyst

BethanyKenyon @ A Work In Progress

Seagull @ In This Mad Season

Spermination Is The Name of the Game

Just a quick little update.

As of 10:00 am this morning I am officially sperminated. The IUI went off without a hitch. Husband produced 79.1 million beautiful little swimmers. He always had been an over achiever.

Unfortunately for me, yesterday’s happy hour turned into quite the happy night and I was probably the only hungover girl getting an IUI this morning. But, whatev. Why should fertiles have all the fun? I went out with a bang before I officially kicked off the 2ww.

We are going out again tonight for Oktoberfest at a place called Blob’s Pleasure Park. And no, it is decidedly not what it sounds like. I (and my hopefully freshly conceived eggs) get to be the DD and I am totally okay with this!

See ya’ll on the flipside.

Somebody Got It Right For Once

A few days ago I told you all how I was not having a very good day. I mentioned briefly that I had called and balled my eyes out to my mom about my fears of IVF, the worry over never having children, and the state of my marriage. She listened intently, but the conversation still ended with her telling me that I just need to relax. You all know how that goes. I got even more upset and told her to please never say that to me ever again. If it were a matter of “just relaxing” then I would have 15 kids by now.

Fast forward to this morning when she called me on my way to work and managed to say all the right things.

First, she explained that by “just relax” she meant I need to chill out for my own sake, not because that would get me pregnant. Then she went on to tell me that since she has known me my whole life that she probably knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And being my mother, we share a closeness that can’t possible resemble any other relationship I’ve had in my life. That being true, she said she just KNOWS that this will happen for me. She feels it in her heart and with every fiber of her being. I can’t stop fighting this fight just yet because it’s not my time. Then she said the greatest words anyone has ever said to me:

“I know that you have lost faith in yourself, your body, and this process. And that’s okay because I have decided to carry your burden of faith for you until you are ready to have it back. You just do what you need to do to make yourself happy right now. But please keep trying and know that I have faith in this even if you don’t.”

I had no idea what to say back to her, so I just said thank you. I mean, what does one say that could ever suffice when someone offers to carry such a heavy weight for you?

It was just so unlike my mom to say these things to me. She normally prefers to go the route of ignoring problems and hoping they will go away. Or suffer in silence until she explodes. Maybe this was her explosion? I have no idea. All that I do know is that I was wishing I had recorded that conversation because never has anyone managed to say exactly what I needed to hear in the face of my infertility and I’m not sure that it will ever happen again.

So like my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that I had on Wednesday, this morning also started with tears. But these tears were something different. Today I cried out of love, joy, and relief. I’m ready for my IUI tomorrow morning. I’m not going to worry about whether or not it is going to work–I’m going to let my Mom do that for me this time. I just hope that she knows that in my 29 years on this planet, this might very well be the greatest gift I have every been given.

Today Is Not A Good Day

You guys. Today is not a good day. I just can’t stop crying.

I had my CD 11 ultrasound this morning. I have a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my left ovary and a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my right ovary. I had blood work done to check my LH level to see if I will surge on my own. I already know I won’t because I never do on Clomid, so I will be going back bright and early tomorrow for another ultrasound and probably trigger with the HCG shot tomorrow afternoon. In the bathroom. At work…. All of which will equal an IUI on Saturday.

Sounds like good news, right? And it is exactly what I wanted–4 follicles, although only two will be mature enough to ovulate. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that my body is responding as it should. So why am I tearing up as I write this? That’s a very good question, ladies. Glad you asked.

Most likely it has to do with the Clomid. This is my fourth medicated cycle using Clomid and typically I never experience any side effects. This month, however, is SO different. I had migraine-style headaches that lasted days. My face and chest are broken out in all these tiny red bumps. I never break out and now I am terrified that my skin is going to be like this forever. Well, let me qualify that–I do break out from time to time, but never in such quantity. There are probably about 50 zits on my face. My husband says they aren’t noticeable, but I see them every time I look in the mirror.

And the mood swings…Oh the Mood Swings. I have been straight up bitchy all week and I refuse to make apologies for it. That’s how I know it’s bad. I am more than aware that I am being unreasonable and I just don’t effing care. Then today came the waterworks. I barely made it out of my RE’s office before the tears started pouring down my face. I called my husband and cried to him for a bit. Then I called my Mom and cried to her for even longer.

You see, my actual RE was the one who did my ultrasound this morning and afterward she told me that I needed to make an appointment to sit down with her and discuss our plan again because obviously this isn’t working. It’s been almost a year, I’ve done 5 medicated cycles, and I’m still not pregnant. She said “we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it happens this month.” I know exactly what that means. This is doctor speak for we seriously need to consider IVF.

But I’m not ready. Neither financially nor emotionally. But especially not financially. How the hell does one pull $15k out of thin air?

I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I am becoming ambivalent towards this whole process and I can no longer see it as a means to an end. To be honest, some days I feel so unattached from my desire to be a mother that I totally forget why I am doing this in the first place. I guess that’s denial. Then there are days where it consumes my every thought and I am overly emotional at the idea that this might just never happen for me. Most days I attempt to avoid triggers in any direction so as to fool myself into believing that I am blissfully happy with the current state of my affairs. Maybe that’s actually denial?

Either way, I’m a damn mess. I’m scared. Anxious. Guilt-ridden. And so many other emotions that I didn’t even have names for.

Infertility effs with EVERYTHING! My complexion, my weight, and my emotions are just the beginning. Never mind how I see my relationships with my dearest friends changing right before my eyes. I know it isn’t due to anything that either of us is doing wrong, it’s just the way life works. We have different lifestyles and different priorities these days. Why would I even want to be invited to a play date anyway? I don’t! In fact, I can’t imagine anything more traumatic for me at this point. Yet, somehow that doesn’t erase the feelings of feeling excluded.

Then there is my marriage. I’m telling you, nothing is safe from the reach of infertility. There was a time not too long ago when I wrote about how infertility was bringing my husband and I closer together. That since we were the only people on whole, wide world who knew what it felt like to be us, our bond was further cemented in that unfortunate reality. However, I fear that is no longer the case. These days we barely talk about it. We face scheduled sex like homework. In fact, that’s how my RE actually refers to it. I know we could do better, we could try harder. But I really think neither of us has much fight left in us for that. Then there is the fact that this is my problem. He could go on and probably have 15 children with any fertile woman of his choosing. Logically I know this is backwards thinking. He has told me as much: I don’t get to make that decision for him. But, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a small part of me that considers letting him go for this reason. I just know how devastated I would be (and am) at the prospect of facing a future without my own biological children. This decision would probably kill me, but I see it as a gift I could give to him. Perhaps the most selfless thing I could ever do in my life. I hope it never has to come to that point, but these are thoughts that keep my up and night and in tears all day.

I’m just all over the place and I know even more difficult decisions will need to be made. And soon.

My Made Up Protocol for Cycle 22

Yes, this cycle marks 22 months of TTC. I am so dreading that 2 year mark for a number of reasons. One of the biggest reasons being financial. As of January 1st our extremely high insurance deductible resets which means everything comes 100% out of pocket until we spend close to 5k. 5k which we don’t have, so as of January (if we aren’t pregnant?!?!) treatments will be put on hold until we can save that money up for IVF. I guess this works out nicely since my RE will no longer prescribe me fertility drugs at that point anyway and IVF is covered at 0%. This give us 3 cycles (including this one) to get the job done.

I wasn’t going to go overboard this cycle and just see what my body does on it’s own, but it seems that I changed my mind. Or rather, Kristin at Return to Go changed my mind. She posted a list of things she did this cycle in order to aid her fertility and they seem to be working so far. Thus, I present you with my very own protocol that I borrowed generously from her:

1. 50 mg of Clomid on CD 2-6 along with monitoring beginning on CD 10 and most likely a trigger shot. And definitely an IUI.

2. A foot bath (which can read more about here) with epsom salts and myrrh, geranium, and clary sage essential oils. I will also listen to the Circle + Bloom meditations while I do this.

3. Castor Oil Pack, which you can also read more about here.

4. I also picked up Fertility-Preg Liquid Extract to add to my water 2-3 times per day.

I already splurged on all this items in a moment of impulsiveness, so why not? I can’t hurt.

Between these things, your wine suggestion and position suggestions, I believe my broken foot, fractured tailbone, and infertile uterus shall be no match for my husband and I. Fingers crossed!

In Other News (And My 200th Post!!)

I’ve been so caught up in my October Writing Prompts that I almost forget this is primarily an (in)fertility blog. It seems that I owe you guys some sort of an update in that department.

I finished my 10 day antibiotic regiment to cure the ureaplasma.

Today is CD 2, so I started my first dose of 50mg if Clomid. We’re doing an IUI this month and my monitoring will begin on CD 10. Between my broken foot and broken/bruised tailbone, I have a feel getting it on will be quite difficult this month. Alas, the deed must be done. And done. And done. Then probably done at least one more time for good measure. Tips? Advice? Positions that will make the pain (and awkwardness) any easier? Recommendations for a good wine that will make me care a little less?

Confessions of a Naughty Infertile

I had my second opinion with a new RE this morning. He didn’t really do much differently than my original RE, but he is having me have my prolactin levels retested and I got swabbed to check for ureaplasma infection. So we shall see if that goes anywhere.

In his professional opinion he was reluctant to diagnose me as unexplained, but rather attributed my infertility to environmental factors. Now here is where I confess to you my deep, dark secret that I have been hiding since we met.

I’m a smoker.

I know! Stupid infertile, cigarettes aren’t for the fertility challenged. This I know, but allow me for a moment to make up some excuses for this ridiculous behavior.

• My current RE never said anything to me about smoking causing a problem. She even knows that my husband has been known to smoke other things and straight up said that it’s not really a problem since his sperm count is off the charts. She did tell me that I would have to stop smoking once I got pregnant (duh!), but made no indication that she believed that is what is impacting my fertility.
• You know that feeling when your period shows up and the first thing you do is indulge in every possible thing that is on the pregnancy no-no list? (Just me?) Well, for me that list includes a cigarette. It goes a little something like this each and every month: Shit. I got my period. Cue tears. Cue anger. Smoke a cigarette (or two). Pour myself a glass of wine just as soon as the clock tells me that it’s socially acceptable to do so. Cue relaxation. Cue tears. Cue smug satisfaction that I can still smoke, drink, and eat sushi. My husband and I affectionately refer to this monthly tradition as “Fuck It Night.” Anything and everything goes. It’s an essential part of my hope/despair cycle.
• I have known SO MANY people who have gotten pregnant as smokers and drinkers. My BFF got pregnant as a pack a day smoker and heavy drinker. My other BFF got pregnant smoking pot every day and consuming dark and stormies for the first eight weeks of her pregnancy. Don’t judge her for that, she didn’t know she was pregnant. Instead, judge her for the fact even though she ovulated once in blue moon and rarely even gets her period, she managed to get pregnant on her first or second try.

Now that those excuses are out of my system, I will move on to the game plan. It’s pretty simple really. I (and my husband) have to quit smoking. Tomorrow is my quit day. I am scared to death of getting fat. Between not smoking and my broken foot the chances of me gaining 100 pounds are pretty great. I need motivation and accountability. Help me e-friends! Please?

Whew. I feel much better haven gotten that off my chest.

 

Where Is My Mind?

So….you’ve been wondering where I have scampered of to? Me too. If you know the answer please feel free to enlighten me. It seems I have lost my god-forsaken mind in the midst of an identity crisis of epic proportions. Lest you think that I am just being dramatic, consider the following:

-The word “separation” has been thrown around my marriage more than once in the past two weeks.

-Sometimes I find myself questioning if I even want kids anymore. <—– Who IS that girl?

So there. I told you the proportions are epic.

The thing of it is that I don’t want to talk about it. Not to my husband, my mom, my BFF, a therapist, or even you all. I just want to stew in my own sea of ambivalence, hunker down, and wait for the storm to pass.

I know I am being selfish and I know that I am hurting people. I’ve never been one to shut down in the face of adversity, but I am so completely overwhelmed that I really feel I have no other choice. This is seriously my attempt to keep from going off the deep end. My life’s greater purpose has always been to be a mother. As that possibility slips further and further from my grasp, I have developed a need to figure out a way to make myself happy living child-free. Possibly FOREVER.

So, to answer the questions that I posed in the title, that is where my mind is.

And yet, I have also decided to not give up the fight. Infertility might very well win in the end, but it sure as hell won’t be because I gave up. I will keep up with the drugs and ultrasounds for the next three months, but I will no longer get my hopes up. I am removing my emotions from the equation in an effort to preserve what is left of my ability to cope.

I think today is 11DPO. My last u/s I had one dominant follicle measuring at 22mm and my FH was high enough that I didn’t need the trigger shot. Just the facts. Not expecting anything to come of it.

I made an appointment at a different fertility clinic to get a second opinion. That’s on September 24th.

Now we wait.

Wait for me to get my head back in the game. Wait for a true diagnosis. Wait for a baby. Or wait for wherever life decides to lead us.

There’s Hope (However Small) For Me Yet

Welp, I had my CD 12 u/s this morning and I think it went better than CD 10’s.

This RE told me that she read in my chart about all the cysts that were present on CD 10 but that she was only going to measure the ones that were likely to mature. There are 8 of them, all measuring around 13mm. I go back on Thursday (CD 15) for another ultrasound in the hopes that only two or three have matured. If that’s the case then I will trigger on Thursday. If there are more than 4 then the cycle will be cancelled. Lucky for me (sense the sarcasm?) I am leaving for the beach on Thursday night. Nothing better than being super bloated in a bikini, except maybe being super bloated and trying to get in the mood for sexy time.

One thing that is definitely different for me in the game of Clomid vs. Femara (other than the Perdue factory I am currently incubating) is that with Clomid I was always ready to trigger on CD 12. It’s really weird to be waiting until CD 15. But I guess we’ll see what happens….

A few of you warned me about ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) in my last post and now I am starting to get worried! I really do appreciate the heads up, but now I need the facts 🙂 What can I expect? How long will it last? On a scale of 1-10, how painful will it be?

In other news, I have decided to discontinue taking Pregnitude. When I initially read that it causes an “additive effect” when combined with an SSRI, I thought, GREAT! I’m going to make super eggs AND get an extra boost of Zoloft-like effects. Bonus! Well, I don’t know if the Pregnitude had anything to do with the bazillion follicles I made this cycle, but I do know that it amped up my Zoloft side effects. And not in a good way.

I had a few drinks on Saturday night and ended up blacking out. I ate plenty of food, had maybe 4 drinks in the course of 3 hours, and yet I don’t remember much after 10pm. This is not okay with me and since I need the Zoloft more than the Pregnitude, it has to go. I know that ordinarily alcohol intake should be monitored when taken with an SSRI, but I have NEVER had this issue before. Logic would lead me to believe that the combination of these two things do not mix well in my body.

However, this is good news for one of you…I have about 20 days supply left and I would like to give it away to the first person to email me and claim it for themselves. My email is jennford919@gmail.com. A word to the wise, if you are on an SSRI I would suggest staying far away from it. Unless you’d prefer to stay far away from alcohol instead. But, seriously, who are we kidding? Wine is an infertile girl’s best friend 🙂

**Update: Pregnitude has been claimed.

It’s Like a Freaking Gumball Machine In There

Well, I had my CD 10 ultrasound this morning. This is my first round on Femara which I took on CD 2-6.

My RE has an ultrasound clinic at 7:30 am 365 days per year. All of the doctors rotate so you never know who will be on duty that particular day. This morning I saw an RE that I had never met before and the first thing he says to me is, “Do you have PCOS?” I told him I don’t because, well, I know that I don’t. He asked me if I get regular periods, which I do every 28 days like clockwork. So, instead he labeled my follicles as “polycystic like.”

I’ve done three previous monitored cycles with Clomid in which I produced 4, 3, and 2 mature follicles respectively. Currently, there are at least 20 cysts and/or follicles residing on my ovaries. 6 of which are measuring large enough to become mature follicles within the next 4 days, just in time for ovulation. He measured all the rest at 8mm so who knows what will happen with those. I go back Monday morning (CD 12) for another ultrasound.

If there are still that many in there then they will cancel this cycle—no IUI or timed intercourse.

You can only imagine how upsetting this is to me. I believe that I mentioned before that my RE said we could only do 4 more medicated cycles and this was the first cycle on the ticking clock. That means that if this cycle is a bust then we only have 3 more cycles before my RE will recommend IVF. That’s all well and good except for the fact that baby making will be put on hold indefinitely until we can save the $15000 to pursue IVF. Time is literally of the essence and my ovaries just don’t seem to want to cooperate. Effing unexplained infertility. She’s a bitch.

Here are my thoughts/questions:

• If there are at least 20 cysts/follicles in there, is it even possible to get pregnant? Meaning do cysts prevent pregnancy or could I have 15 cysts and 5 mature follicles at the same time and go on to get pregnant?
• Is it the damn Pregnitude? I’m also on Zoloft and one of the warnings on the box is that Pregnitude and SSRIs taken together can cause “additive side effects” meaning that the Pregnitude has the potential to make my Zoloft work better and vice versa.
• If they decide to cancel this cycle and tell us to avoid timed intercourse, what would happen if we did it anyway?
• Why me?
• This is my first monitored cycle since my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy where they found maybe-polyps. Could this just be a result of my system finally working correctly? Would it be worth it to ask for a monitored all-natural cycle complete with ultrasounds and blood work just to see what my body is capable of doing on its own?

I understand that my RE is following proper protocol for treating unexplained infertility. What I don’t understand is why I am being pumped full of ovulation stimulants when I obviously have no problem ovulating on my own?

Ugggh. I’m so tired of the same old, never-ending, story.