Time Time Time

26 Oct

Where has it gone? I have been such a blog slacker…but I swear it has been for good reason!

We FINALLY bought that house and it has taken up soooo much of our time. I am absolutely in love with our new home and I plan to share some of the recent projects we have been working on. I can’t believe we have been living here for over 2 months!

So that’s my excuse as to why I have gone missing. Now for the reason I have come back:

It is officially 21 days until the Mister and give procreating a try. And I am FREAKING out!

I haven’t written much about my anxiety, but let’s not beat around the bush. I have a raging anxiety disorder. Yes, I should give myself more credit for the huge strides I have made towards “recovering,” but it’s really hard to concentrate on those things when new things constantly keep replacing them. And it’s especially hard to give myself credit for those things when the word “recover” doesn’t exactly exist in the world of anxiety. It is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. And it will probably get worse when I am pregnant.

I have been searching EVERYWHERE for support. Bookstores, blogs, the far corners of the internet but have turned up nothing in the form of support that I am seeking. I want to hear real stories from real women who have been where I am: so scared that they considered not going through with it. But I can’t find that anywhere.

There is also a severe lack of people who want to talk about the perks/joys of being pregnant. All I can find are lists of things you can’t eat and can’t do. Lists of how your body will change for the worst. Lists of aches and pains and other symptoms that I am dreading.

Here is what is currently going through my head:

  • Obviously, I won’t be able to drink or smoke. Can I handle such a lifestyle change while jealously watching my husband carry on life as usual?
  • Morning sickness? Can I handle vomiting day in and day out for 3 months?
  • HORMONES! I am crazy enough as it is…what if my anxiety gets so bad that I can’t leave my house.
  • What if I am such a raging anxiety ridden bitch that my husband can’t stand me and I have to go through this all alone?
  • What if my anxiety/depression gets so bad that I feel like I can’t go through with the pregnancy? What if I just want that baby OUT!?!? NOW!
  • How will my mind react when my body is so uncomfortable that I feel like I can’t breathe? That I am suffocating? When I am angry because I can’t sleep? Or just too damn depressed to get out of bed?
  • How will all of this stress and anxiety affect my future child? Both while in the womb and years down the road?
  • What if I am just incapable of handling pregnancy?

I am sure there are many, many other fears. Maybe I’ll write more when they are keeping me up in the middle of the night….

For now, I just want to know where the other people like me are? Surely I am not the only woman on the face of the planet who suffers from anxiety, yet longs to have a biological child. For this reason, I want to/need to write about my experience. Maybe in the future, someone like me will find this and feel like they are not alone. Or at least as not as alone as I feel now.

I met with my midwife yesterday to discuss my anxiety and potential future pregnancies. She warned me that the chances are great that my anxiety will worsen while pregnant. For that reason I put a plan into action. I figure that the more precautions I can take now, the better off I will be. Before the overwhelming feelings that I am anticipating will set in. The plan is as follows:

Step One: Contact ASDI at Sheppard Pratt and make an appointment for a refresher session with my cognitive behavioral therapist/coach. This appointment is scheduled for early next week.

Step Two: Find a general counselor that I can see during the pregnancy. Hopefully once a month will suffice, but I am willing to go more often if needed.

Step Three: Prenatal yoga classes.

Step Four: Blog it out.

That’s pretty much it for now. We’ll see how it goes….To end, I just want to talk about a word that has been on my mind (obviously) a lot lately: anticipation.

Merriam-Webster defines anticipation as:

a : a prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action b : the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation
It seems that much of my life is revolving around the first definition when maybe I should try to focus more on the pleasurable in “pleasurable expectation.”
Just an idea.
Until next time…..
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