Blah

15 Nov

So, 2 more days until baby making time. To tell you the truth, I am sitting here thinking that maybe we should wait one more month.

I still haven’t quit smoking, although if I were to find out I was pregnant then I would quit immediately. Cold turkey. I am reluctant to quit because I rely on smoking to help cope with my anxiety. Maybe it’s the in and out, in and out rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. Or just the feeling like there is always something there that I can depend on. I know a large part of it is that the sensations associated with withdrawing from nicotine are very similar to the sensations I experience when I am anxious and/or panicking….but I also think there is a small part of me that believes that as long as I am smoking then I won’t let myself get pregnant. Despite how much I want this, I can’t seem to let go.

There are just so many “what ifs.”

What if I can’t handle being pregnant?

What if I am so anxious that I can’t even leave my house and I am just a depressed lump of worthlessness curled up in a ball on my couch?  <—–I realize how melodramatic that sounds, but it is an honest worry of mine.

Before I sought help for my anxiety disorder I was very close to being a full-blown agoraphobic. My “safe” area just kept getting smaller and smaller. If I hadn’t gotten help when I did, then who knows how small it would have become. I still struggle with this every day. Forcing myself to go places that make me uncomfortable. The level of comfort doesn’t always reach full-blown panic, in fact, is very rarely does. But the threat is always there. The anticipation of what could happen is constantly clouding my every thought.

I suppose that is why I am where I am right now. Anticipating. And always anticipating the worst.

I meet with my new therapist again on Tuesday and she is going to try to teach me some tools to help me live more in the present moment. I am always three steps ahead of myself, imagining the worst and trying to prepare for the worst. In my attempts to control the future, I lose out on what I am experiencing right now.

I think that the hardest part is that I am so angry that this is a part of my life. I wake up pissed because every single morning my first thought is, “Where is my anxiety on a scale of 1-10?” And I go to bed every night thinking about how I let myself down today and planning to do better tomorrow. Yet, I don’t. I wake up every single morning pretending that I can see the future. That I can control its outcome. Most importantly, that controlling that outcome will mean that I can finally be happy.

But it never ends up that way. I end up angry and anxious because, once again, I failed at….at what? I don’t even know. Life, I guess.

Anyway…I guess you could say that I am terrified of being pregnant. The anxiety that I feel is extremely hard to put into words. How do I describe something that is so ingrained in me that it’s impossible to tell where it ends and I begin?

I think some people would then say that I am crazy for trying to get pregnant. But hasn’t anxiety robbed me of enough? Should I really let it take this from me too? Something I have always wanted. Maybe this is the opportunity for me to prove to myself that I can overcome. And if not overcome, then at least get through.

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2 Responses to “Blah”

  1. Jenn Ford November 17, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    You are so sweet, Amy!! Sometimes it’s hard to step back and remove ourselves from what is going on in our lives, but maybe (hopefully) these struggles will make us stronger. And when we finally do have our babies, we can look and them each and every day and be reminded of the journey we took to get them.

    They will certainly know that they were wanted 🙂 And loved!

    I am thinking about you and your husband every single day! I know it isn’t easy to get up everyday and find the strength to try again. But the fact that you do is such a testament to your character. You seem like such a strong woman and I just know that you will come out on top in the end!

    I too am excited to follow your journey and I am already anticipating literally jumping up and down when you share you pregnancy news!!

    Thanks for the prayers…at this point, I will take what I can get!!

  2. amy November 16, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    Jenn…

    Thank you for stopping by my blog. Thank you for the sweet comment, but thank you even more b/c now I see you have a blog!! You are right up my alley, we are one in the same with the anxiety issue. Now we are going to have something else in common…getting pregnant 🙂

    I just want you to know (took me a little while to figure out)…it is completely normal to feel anxious and concerned about pregnancy, child birth and child rearing. Throughout my “TTC journey”, I’ve had many people tell me that…most of which have never experienced the anxiety that you and I have, so it kinda fell on deaf ears. It’s almost been a year and a half that we’ve been trying, and that has given me some time to relax about the reality of being pregnant and having a child. No matter what Jenn, in my opinion the joy of having a child with or without anxiety issues trumps not having one due to anxiety issues. Hope that makes sense. I just realized (eventually) that I’m not gonna let it hold me back, and also I’m not getting any younger, ha! Please try and dismiss the “what if’s”…those are TRICKS your mind plays on you, not cool at all 😉

    I think it’s wonderful and awesome that you guys are ready to try! I have heard that pregnancy itself does wonders for anxiety 🙂 Sometimes my way of looking at anxiety/panic is what is the worst that can happen…nothing, just real yucky feelings that will pass! I’m still working on some things for sure, but I feel more at ease about other things as well.

    I will be praying for you (whether you like it or not, LOL). Can’t wait to follow you on this journey!!

    Amy

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