Moping

17 Nov

One of these days I really have to get around to writing about something positive on this ol’ blog of mine…

But, alas, today is not that day. I have been moping around and really depressed for the past 24 hours. I met with my therapist last night. She specializes in treating anxiety disorders and transitioning through big life decisions. She knows all about my desire to get pregnant and all of my fears surrounding that decision. She also knows all about my anxiety and the treatment I have sought in the past. All of the notes that my cognitive behavioral coach took during our sessions were passed along to her…she also knows that I am on the hunt for a new job.

Carol, that’s her name, strongly suggested that getting pregnant while starting a new job was probably not the best idea. There are things to consider…among those things there is natural anxiety associated with starting a new job just as there is natural anxiety associated with getting pregnant and preparing for motherhood. Since I have an anxiety disorder, these things are usually heightened and there is a good chance that it might just be too much to take on simultaneously. She suggested that I learn to go easy on myself. To lower my expectations and try not to take on so much at one time. Basically, she suggested that I wait to get pregnant until I am settled into my new job. My new job that doesn’t even exist yet.

And, well, I am devastated. And defeated. I am so unbelievable tired of waiting for the things I want in life. It feels like I never get to do what I want, when I want. There is ALWAYS something standing in my way. I know I don’t have to follow her advice, but I also know that she’s probably right.

That doesn’t change the fact that I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. I was supposed to have a job interview this afternoon. I didn’t go. Instead, I rescheduled it, still left work early, and came home to sleep. All afternoon. It felt important to me to just do what I want to do. To regain some semblance of control in a life that feels completely out of my control.

I want a baby. Now more than ever. Feeling like I can’t have it only makes me realize how bad I actually want it. I thought this meant progress for me. I thought that deciding I was ready to make that leap and to really focus my effort on being in the moment was a HUGE step in the right direction. And yet, there is no advance to be made. Two steps backwards, in fact.

She also made it a point to tell me how obviously defiant I am. How I dig my heels into the ground and always get what I want. She encouraged me to never lose that and to learn how to harness that trait and use it for good in my life. This really just left me with a mixed message. Do I do what I know is the “right” thing to do? Wait until I have a new job, get acclimated, then start making babies? Or do I do what my heart and my head wants to do: screw it (both literally and figuratively, haha) and make a lovely little baby? Follow my heart and figure the rest out later….

I feel like I am swimming in a sea of pregnant women and their offspring. I am a Director of a childcare center, but I also help out in the classroom. I feed babies. I change their poppy diapers. I rock them to sleep, teach them, and love them fiercely. But everyday at 4:00 I go home alone. I do all of the work with very little payoff. And then there is Facebook…oh, Facebook…where every friend is either pregnant or just recently had a baby. These are my peers. People I went to school with who are my age and cooking their first, second, or third (!) baby. Of course, there is jealousy. The longing to be counted among that rank. Coveting those baby bumps and sweet little baby cheeks.

My best friend is also pregnant. She just found out she is having a boy and I am absolutely over the moon. I don’t begrudge her that happiness for a second, in fact, I consider myself as one of her most faithful cheerleaders. I know it isn’t easy for her in many ways, but every time she complains she immediately follows her gripe with a reminder that she already loves that little man growing inside her. She knows that it is all worth it in the end. Then I think for a moment that I, too, could be like that. But I have never been as easy-going as her. I envy that.

But maybe I could. Maybe I could handle an unpredicable life and learn to relinquish a little (or a lot) of control for 9 months. After all, what’s nine months in the grand scheme of things?

Now if only I could convince Mr. Practicality a.k.a. My Husband?

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One Response to “Moping”

  1. amy November 21, 2010 at 8:44 pm #

    Oh Jenn, I love your honesty and writing style as well…it’s very captivating! Sounds like you do have some things to think about, and it does sound like your therapist might have sent mixed messages. She did, in my opinion, make some good points about not trying to juggle too much at one time…that is just good advice for anyone in any point in their life, with or without anxiety!

    However, the whole “wait to have a baby” for anything in your life never worked for me. I feel like if you continue to put it off, you’re missing out on valuable time trying to conceive and having your baby. AND…there is NEVER a perfect time to have a baby. We (everyone) want everything to be perfect and in line. We say “if only I can get THAT job” “I’ll be happy when I get the perfect home” “My life will be complete if I can have a baby” and the list goes on. We are always in the pursuit of happiness and hoping and wishing for things that even when we get them, we aren’t satisfied. Life will never be perfect, timing will never be perfect…you have to go with your heart (or in my case, I try my very best to put it in the Lord’s hands) and know that there is a greater plan for us and our lives than we know and try to control. One of the greatest deceptions in this world is that we actually have control over things!

    With all that said, I think you should go ahead and try. Weren’t you already supposed to be “trying” a few days ago?? Also, remember that worrying about this or that will get you NO WHERE. I worry a lot too, but at the end of the day it does us NO GOOD! Worrying never solved a problem…EVER!

    I know you’ll make the right decision 🙂 In the end, life is about LIFE. Life is about love and giving of yourself…it’s not about the good job we find (although it does put food on the table).

    I saw your reply in your last post…thank you for your sweet words. When I read your posts, you write so awesome and have such great wisdom…and YOU sound like the strong one!! Talk to you soon!

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