And so it begins….

24 Dec

Sorry I haven’t updated in quite some time, I guess there just hasn’t been much to update you on.

However, that has all changed. We have officially begun “trying.”

And it feels so weird to say that. Only a few people know we are actually trying….so far, we have only told each of our best friends and, obviously, you all. But you can keep a secret, right?

I’ve really never been good at keeping secrets, especially my own. But I am trying super hard to keep as quiet as possible on this topic, at least as far as the people I know in real life are concerned. Just in case it doesn’t work, I don’t want to have to involve so many people on the inner workings of my reproductive biology.

Let me just say that making a baby is weird. I have spent 11 years trying to avoid getting pregnant that it suddenly seems so strange to want the exact opposite. This is only made more strange by the fact that I have actually gone out of my way to find methods to help me get pregnant. It’s so weird that I just can’t help but giggle, even inappropriately so…luckily my husband knows this about me. I giggle when I am nervous. I can’t help it. Some people blush. I giggle.

There has definitely been a lot of anxiety surrounding this process. I believe at some point I told my husband I felt like I was walking to my doom. I know that sounds terrible to say, but the anxiety was truly making me feel that way. The first time we “tried” I actually teared up when it was over. But they were tears of joy and tears of release. All the anticipation that I had been feeling slowly melted away and was completely taken over by joy and possibility. I was still anticipating something, but for the first time I was able to recognize that anticipation as positive. And, yes, that made me cry.

However, I must insert a caveat here…I cry over anything and everything. Hence the reason I am positive that I will make for the world’s most emotional pregnant woman. Yet that remains to be seen.

I am still experiencing some anxiety surrounding this process, but not nearly as much as I had expected. In fact, I can’t really tell if the uneasiness I am feeling has more to do with the possibility of being pregnant or the reality of quitting smoking.

For obvious reasons, I am also quitting smoking. I wanted to avoid doing these two things at the same time, but this really seemed to sneak up on me. Most likely do to the busyness of the holidays, I am sure. I take that back. Honestly, it was because I am terribly addicted to nicotine and the prospect of quitting was extremely daunting. Therefore I procrastinated until the last possible moment. I’m actually okay with this method. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to quit smoking MANY times in my past and have never lasted more than a day. But this time it just feels different.Plus I purchased something to remind me of my motivation:

Flipping through it this afternoon really helped me remember why I am quitting. I feel like there is a different purpose this time and I think I’ll just leave it at that.

All my what-if statements are still in the back of my mind, but I am focusing on acknowledging them and answering, “so what?” This could very well end up being the most anxious 9 months of my life, but really what is the worse that happens? There are endless scenarios that I could insert here, but I realize that it would do me no good.

So, to sum up, I am good. For now. And I am eagerly anticipating the day when I get to pee on a stick and my life changes forever. Or doesn’t.

I did have a sort of weird experience last night. I awoke in the middle of the night with cramping. This has never happened unless I am on my period which, obviously, I am not. They probably only lasted 5 minutes, but it was quite a strange occurrence. Perhaps it was ovulation that I was feeling, but in the quiet moments of the night it really felt like something more. I won’t say what that something more is simply because I don’t want to jinx myself look like a fool if I am wrong, but I like to think I know my body pretty well.

When I fell back asleep I had a dream that was clearly influenced by this strange sensation. I dreamt that the excess cramping I was feeling was because there were more cells than normal inside of me and that I would be having twins. I really think that is just another indication that my subconscious mind harbors even more fears that my conscious mind does.

My mind frequently gets carried away with itself whilst I sleep. Surely, this was just another symptom of my over-active imagination. I had a therapist tell me one time what a fantastic story-teller that I am. All these things that I am afraid of and that cause my anxiety have a way of spinning themselves into the most fantastic tales. But that’s all they are: tales, stories, fables. My ability to predict the future is as unrealistic as my ability to control it.

Maybe I should have that tattooed to the inside of my hand. A constant reminder to sit back and just let life happen around me.

Until next time…..


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