It Finally Happened

12 Jan

No, not that.

I got laid off.

Yesterday morning, my first morning back from having the flu, I got let go.

I got the whole, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech from my boss. Times are tight, the economy is bad. Blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, too many people know this exact speech that I am referring to.

I have been really struggling with coming to terms with what this all means. It just feels terrible because I pride myself on doing my job very well. There isn’t much that I know I am good at, but I KNOW that I excel at loving, caring for, and nurturing other people’s kids. I have been doing it for 10 years and I have never once been told that I am bad at it. I know I didn’t do anything to deserve to be laid off. I know it is all about money, but it is really breaking my heart that I don’t get to see those kids anymore.

Maybe I got too attached, but that’s really hard not to do when you spend 40 hours a week with them. I miss them terribly and I already miss having something to do everyday that I know that I am good at and that I know I can be proud of.

That, coupled with the terrible baby fever that I have right now is a really bad combination.

Tim and I are also attempting to come to terms with what this means for our procreation plans. I just don’t understand why??? I am a good person who has devoted my life to children and I don’t understand why I can’t just now turn and devote my life to my own children. It seems really unfair to me.

Tim doesn’t think it’s a good idea to have a baby right now. It scares him and I get that. He knows there is never a good time to have baby, but believes that certain times are better than others. And before I lost my job, it was a good time to have a baby. Now, not so much. Yeah, the baby has to bake for 9 months, but there will be medical bills to pay in the meantime and then a baby to pay for when all is said and done. He worries about paying for college and our retirement and just setting that kid up with the best possible life. In a nutshell, he wants that kid to have everything his parents were able to give him and to be the complete opposite of growing up the way I did. Of course he didn’t say that outright, but I’d fool to pretend that it wasn’t the truth. He has all this logic behind his point of view and all I have is the extremely emotional standpoint being that I just want a baby. To have and to hold and to love.

I know that he’s probably right, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less for me. Unfortunately, there isn’t any compromise here. We either have a baby or we don’t. Either he is right or I am.

He is open to hearing what I have to say and told me to present him with a plan as to how it will work, but honestly, I haven’t a clue. And yet, I find myself as determined as ever to make this happen.

I have been talking this through with one of my dearest friends/sister-in-law who just so happens to give great advice…

The first thing she said to me was, “you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself this week.Β  So, go home, eat ice cream, cry, watch stupid chick flicks, work out, take a bath, sleep as late as you want & be miserable.Β  You get this week & then you gotta get it together.”

I’m pretty sure Tim told me the same thing, but she put it in writing so therefore, it is much easier to recall. So, that’s exactly what I am going to do this week. Feeling sorry for me. Ultimately, I know that everything is going be okay. I just have a feeling, which is strange because I am typically a very doom and gloom/the world is ending kind of gal.

But not this time. Sure I might have had a small meltdown last night. And this morning I found myself as angry as ever. But all that tells me is that I am moving through the stages of grief with speed and grace. At this rate, I should reach acceptance right around the time permission to feel sorry for myself expires.

In the end, I will get everything that I want. I always find a way to make it happen.

….There will be a follow-up to this post involving what this may or may not mean in terms of my anxiety, but for today I would just like to leave it at that.

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2 Responses to “It Finally Happened”

  1. amy January 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    By the way…I replied to your question about Robitussin on my blog πŸ™‚

  2. amy January 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    Hi!

    First, I’m sorry to hear about being laid off 😦 Not cool!! Understandable, I GUESS, but not cool! And missing those little babies, I can’t imagine 😦 It is a time for thinking about the future and making some goals….along with mini melt-downs, ice cream and sleeping in (I like your sister-in-law’s advice πŸ˜‰ ) YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING THAT IS PERFECT FOR YOU in the career department πŸ™‚

    As far as baby making…my mode of thinking is TOTALLY that there is never a perfect time to have a baby. That desire has been put in your heart, and most definitely hard to ignore. I would not try to prevent it by any means, and just see what happens. When it comes to Tim, just kinda be laid back about it…not too pushy, just kinda like “if it happens it happens” attitude. That kinda attitude is good for your spirit, good for baby making and good for your marriage πŸ˜‰

    It will all work out exactly as it’s suppose to! One foot in front of the other πŸ™‚

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