Why Am I So Paranoid?

14 Feb

I am so unbelievably paranoid. Here it is, 2:13 in the morning and I can’t sleep.

My husband is still out of town. Thus far, I have spent 11 nights on my own and I have 2 more to go. But I think I have reached the end of my rope. I can’t sleep because I am so paranoid that something is going to happen while I am asleep and my usually blissful state of unconsciousness will be my downfall.

I don’t like being a person of the night. I like going to bed at a reasonable time and waking up at a reasonable time. And yet I turn into a strange version of a night owl while he is away.

I want to sleep. So. Badly. I am exhausted. I am overly emotional. More anxious than usual. And my tummy hurts. But I can’t sleep. Even if I do manage to close my eyes for some time, that sleep is wrought with uneasiness.

Am I crazy? I feel crazy. But I guess if I am able to “feel” crazy then I am not actually crazy after all. That would defeat it’s definition.

So what am I? Is this just another symptom of anxiety? My heart isn’t racing. I am breathing normally. But my senses are highly aroused. I see shadows where there probably are none. Flashes of light that are realistically nothing more than my own reflection. One moment I am hot, the next I am cold. I hear each and every sound that my house makes. The refrigerator buzzing. The walls creaking. My neighbors opening or closing their doors. But the worst of all is the deafening sounds of silence. The television provides some companionship or at the very least, a mask for that which I am most aware of: the quiet of being alone.

It’s weird how my anxiety morphs itself into experiences that are unrecognizable to me. As soon as I get used to my heart racing or my shallow breathing or my need to use the bathroom, the anxiety changes shape into something I almost mistake for something else. It’s a tricky thing, this shape-shifting disorder of mine. In an attempt to make itself invisible, it invades different facets of my being, constantly keeping me in a state of disquietude. Never really quite sure if what I am feeling resides in the realm of the real or the imagined. Lucky for me, I am a fast learner. I recognize my anxiety even in it’s most unique forms.

But I also know that knowing is only half the battle (thank you, G.I. Joe). I typically navigate that part fairly well, it’s the action plan that I have a hard time with. What do I do about it? How do I sleep at night when my mind is in high alert?

Then the anger comes, swiftly and without warning: why is this my life?

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One Response to “Why Am I So Paranoid?”

  1. Anonyomous June 8, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    Bloody amazing writer you are.

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