The Whole Anxiety Thing….

10 Mar

I am having a hard time writing anything cohesive tonight, so here are just some blurbs. Some random thoughts going through my mind:

1) Not a whole lot happening right now. I’m not pregnant and I was quite upset about that. However, I have moved on and am very much looking forward to another month of trying. And yes, I am talking about exactly what you think I am talking about 😉

2) Mr. T took his first semen sample in for analysis today. For whatever reason, the doctor wants him to do it twice so his next appointment is next Tuesday. He has another appointment in about two weeks. So until then we’ll just be waiting (patiently, haha) to get the good news. I am choosing to think positively. At least for today. I am also still trying to figure out the logistics for what that means as far as TTC this month.

Side note: the semen analysis was much more expensive than I thought it would be. $75 per sample. $150 for the whole shebang. Yeah, our insurance blows. God help us if there are any issues….but, again, I am getting ahead of myself. Thinking positive….

3) It occurred to me that I haven’t talked about my anxiety in quite some time. That was the whole reason I started this blog in the first place: to document my experience with anxiety, trying to conceive, and then eventually, my pregnancy.

To be honest, my anxiety has been hovering right around zero lately. I’ve gone on job interviews, rode in elevators, lived through thunderstorms and tornado warnings, survived two weeks alone while Mr. T was in CA, and so much more. That so much more being the whole trying to make a baby thing. I keep waiting for the panic and anxiety to set, but it has yet to come.

I feel good. And it feels even better to type that sentence. It has been YEARS since have felt “good” enough to even consider the possibility that I could feel this way. In fact, I have spent long periods of time lamenting over the feeling that I would never feel this way again.

I can’t really explain why. Mr. T and I have spent some time discussing this phenomena and we have come up with a few theories. Most of them revolve around ideas that I am choosing not to go into at this point.

Yet, when I sit down and REALLY think about it, all I can come up with is purpose. I feel that for the first time, I have a sense of purpose. And purpose feels good.

4) Tomorrow I will try to put how I feel into better words. Feeling good deserves a post entirely of its own.



One Response to “The Whole Anxiety Thing….”

  1. amy March 11, 2011 at 7:45 am #

    SERIOUSLY??? I just left a huge long, Amy style long, comment and it disappeared when I tried to post it!! 😦 😦

    I will try and recap….

    It makes me sooo happy that you are feeling so good, and that the anxiety has dissipated. I’m a true believer that with the right attitude and courage, anyone can “recover” from the anxiety cycle. I read a blog/forum occasionally that have people on there that no longer struggle with their anxiety anymore, that suffered for years, just because they gained a better understanding and had a better attitude about it. Knowledge, acceptance and attitude are HUGE with anxiety!! You go girl 😉

    Yuck on the $75 SA. I know every insurance is different, but that sounds kinda high. Hopefully this will give you guys some great info, even before you get too far into TTC. Just knowing that everything is ok with the SA will put your minds at ease! Can’t wait to hear…I’m sure Mr T will love you telling the world about the efficiency of his swimmers…LOL!

    I just read your comment on my blog a couple days ago. I’ll just give you a really quick story on that. Due to my infertility and coupled with the fact that my cycles have grown more crampy and heavier in the past couple years, my gyno suggested we look into endometriosis. I hadn’t even thought about it, he just randomly brought it up and I’m so glad he did! With 3 failed IUI’s and trying for over a year 1/2, it was something we needed to rule out. He said that if a woman gets endo, it’s usually in their early 30’s…I’ll be 33 in a couple months, and he even suggested that was an indicator too. Definitely something to be aware of IF you have troubles…but I’m certain you won’t 🙂

    Also, I pray you find a wonderful job that suits you in all the right ways!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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