New Perspective

12 Apr

I had a brief conversation with Mr. T last night that caused me to think a little more in depth about our discussion. I set aside some time today to really think about and meditate on these ideas and I think I have gained a little more perspective on my situation. Best of all, this newfound perspective means that I can feel okay without tears. It means I can start to breathe again.

I have a really bad habit of projecting my own feelings onto other people. I worry about the people who I know and love every single day of my life. I worry that they are lonely, cold, or hungry (among a wide array of other things. ) I wish every day that I could have confirmation that everyone is happy and satisfied. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that the reason I do this is because if I were in their situation then that is how I would feel.

I know all too well how my heart hurts when I am lonely. I know firsthand how my soul aches when I go days on end without a hug. And these are feelings that I never want anyone I know to have to experience. But wishing for things has never gotten me anywhere and I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that these people do not necessarily share in my sentiments.

While joining the Army (or moving across the county or the world) would cause me great unease and a hole in my heart that could only be filled by home, most people do not share this with me. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Those people see this as an adventure and that is what I am trying to see my brother’s journey as: an adventure.

Nick is going to be okay. Nick is finding himself in the way that he sees fit. At one point or another, we must all confront ourselves and make a decision that will change the course of our lives, for better or for worse. We make mistakes and we do things right, then we get up the next day and do it all over again. Just because I struggle with this in my every day life does not mean that Nick should have to do the same. Perhaps he is even better off than I for being so sure in this decision.

It doesn’t do me well to spend my time fretting over his chosen path. It doesn’t do him any good if I spend my time worrying about his well-being. I can only give him my time, my love, and my money. Then the rest is up to him. But for me, my part is being happy for him, both hoping for and also expecting the best.

I waste so much of my life wondering “what if” and preparing myself for the worst as if being prepared for that worst case scenario will somehow make it sting a little less when/if it happens. That’s just ignorant. Because it is going to hurt just as badly regardless of whether or not I see it coming. The only person this hurts is me. It wastes my time, my energy, and the love I could be using for good.

So, at least for today, I choose to be happy for and proud of Nick. I love him and I want him to be happy. He deserves my respect in allowing him to choose to go about that however he sees fit. I choose to not worry and to, instead, focus my energy on the things in life that make me happy….my husband and the sweet little baby love that we are going to create.

Everyone deserves to make that choice for themselves.


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