The Song Remains the Same

2 Aug

I guess it’s been a while since I’ve written. So much and yet so little has happened in the meantime.

After a few months of no luck in getting pregnant, Tim and I decided to take a couple of months off. We spent April and May doing the thing that people do, only we took precautions to not get pregnant. I know it hadn’t been that long, but the stress and the disappointment month after month was really beginning to get to me. I needed time away and those two months served me well.

When July came along we both felt ready to resume our efforts, so resume our efforts we did. What follows may be T.M.I. but I’m nothing if not honest….

On the day I ovulated, I noticed a streak of blood in my CM. I didn’t think much of it because this isn’t altogether atypical for me. But when that spotting lasted 3 days I decided to call my midwife. She brought me into the office to do a pelvic exam and make sure everything was ok and sure enough, everything looked great. She told me that the bleeding was actually a good sign of fertility. When an egg is released from the fallopian tube it can be accompanied by a burst of blood and if that blood can make it all way out of the vagina then that means the path is clear so other things (namely sperm) should be able to make it up that same path. She said everything felt and looked great and all signs pointed to great odds of conceiving this month. Needless to say, that made me so very happy to hear.

Within in a couple  days of ovulation (before I saw the doctor) I started feeling….well, strange. I was nauseous, my boobs were tender, and I had a headache for 3 days straights. Classic pregnancy symptoms, no? I knew for sure that I was pregnant, but I didn’t let myself  get to ahead of the process. After all, the two-week-wait can feel like a lifetime without me anticipating the end results.

When the day I was supposed to get my period (a Monday) came and went with no sign of bleeding, I took a pregnancy test. Negative.  Tuesday I took another. Negative. At this point I was crushed, but accepted that I wasn’t pregnant. I immediately went into “there’s always next month” mode and tried to move on expecting my period would follow shortly.

But my period never came. I must point out that this is highly unusual for me. My period has never been more than two days late. Never. On Saturday (6 days late at this point) I decided to take another test.

It was POSITIVE!

Tim and I were both shocked and so unbelievable happy. Happy doesn’t even really begin to describe our emotions. In fact, I can’t think of word that could describe how we were feeling. Over the moon…that’s all I got. We were going to be parents. We spent the next few hours in utter disbelief at out good fortune. There was a baby growing in me! My husband was going to be a dad. Our lives changed significantly in those moments. And we were in love. In love with our future, in love with the baby we made, and drunk on possibility.

Riding that high when I woke up in the morning, I decided to take another pregnancy test. In retrospect it feels greedy, but I just wanted to see that word again. Pregnant. So much is tied up in those words and I wanted to relive that moment when I felt on top of the world. Higher than I had ever known was possible.

It was negative.

How could that be?

So rather than continue to play the peeing-on-a-stick game, I called my midwife first thing Monday morning. She told me to come in and get a blood test. I impatiently waited all day today to hear those results.

Negative.

How can that be? Was it a false positive? Am I having a miscarriage? I really may never know. All I do know is that I am not pregnant. Negative. And once again, I am crushed. I am mourning something that was never really mine to begin with. I am adding one more tally mark to the failure column despite success being so close that I was able to actually experience it for one brief evening. True possibility that filled my every thought for two days.

But here I am. Empty, physically and emotionally. And still holding on to the small possibility that maybe the blood test was wrong. I know this is highly unlikely. But I still have yet to get my period. As of tomorrow it will be 10 days late and until that blood comes I still have hope.

Yes, I realize this is the very definition of denial, but for today, that is what I have. Hope, denial, and the very fine line that separate the two.

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3 Responses to “The Song Remains the Same”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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