I Suck

17 Oct

It’s true.

I am so bad at keeping up with this blog. I guess just not a whole lot has been happening around these parts, so we’ll do this update in blurbs.

-According to my BBT chart last month, it appears that I am , in fact, ovulating. This is both good and bad news. The good part is obvious. The bad part: if I am ovulating, then why I am I STILL not pregnant? It leads me to believe that there must be something else wrong…

-One of the things I have learned while doing the BBT charting is that the human body is truly amazing. Turns out the arm bone really can be connected to the knee bone (I never really could get that song down). Parts of your body that you would never think have anything to do with procreating turn out to be quite vital.

-The hardest part lately has been that realization that had Tim and I gotten pregnant when we first started trying, then we would be welcoming a little baby into our lives right now. Sort of in the same way that some of our best friends (who started “trying” around the same time) are about to do. Speaking of friends….

-I’ve come to this odd realization that people (friends) don’t care nearly as much as I would have thought. I can’t remember the last time someone besides my husband or my mom asked me how I am dealing/feeling about all of this. Everyone seems to wrapped up in their own lives that either a) they don’t think to ask me or b) they don’t know how to ask me, so they just choose not to. It has me feeling somewhat alienated from those that I have always been so close to, but it also has me feeling bitter because I expected more from the people who I choose to share my life with. I guess you would call that disappointment. I put on a smile, regardless, and yet I am really beginning to feel like elephant that frequents far too many rooms. There is a lot more to this, but I think I will save it for a post for another day….

-I love my husband. And I guess that should go without saying, but I am feeling closer to him than ever. He may prefer to be spared the nitty-gritty details of my body in an effort to preserve our sex life, but he is always there for me. In hope, despair, depression, and every other emotion that develops as this process unfolds, he is there for me. I am so thankful for that and I only hope that I am doing the same for him.

The other day, I realized Googled what my due date would be if I were to get pregnant this month. Turns out that it would fall exactly on his birthday, July 8th. I emailed hi m(he was at work) to tell him, hoping that he would not find me silly for seeing these “signs” everywhere I look. Hoping he would overlook that I have seen “signs” every month since we started trying. This is what he wrote back to me:

I don’t know about signs necessarily, but I do think these kinds of coincidences are evidence that the universe is conspiring as much in our favor as against it. I think it’s good that you notice these things. It shows that deep down you’re optimistic even with all of the challenges that have been thrown in the way. You can’t let go of that, as it’s the primary fuel for perseverance. It’s easy to get discouraged and disappointed with each passing month, but you can’t let that rob you of what you’re entitled. Success is 99% perspiration right?

Keep positive. Keep seeing signs.

It is because of him and because of this type of encouragement, that I am able to keep positive. To keep seeing signs.

-Lastly, I stumbled upon an interesting, pertinent web series the other day. Despite being short of the deadline in which I am actually deemed infertile, I can relate to a lot of what these videos are aiming to portray. They certainly aren’t the best videos ever made (although perhaps I am slightly biased), but they certainly capture the sentiment that I often feel. Below is the first video in the series, but if you click this link then you can find the rest of the webisodes.

-And lastly, we are currently in that super fun phase knows as the Two-Week-Wait, so keep us in your thoughts. I feel positive.  I feel like this is our month.

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