My TTC Funk

7 Feb

We had a some people over to watch the Superbowl on Sunday. It was strange because it was the first time we had a get together and there were two babies there. Times really are a’changing. I have a friend with a 3 month old and one with a 9 month old. As we three were talking, the one with the 3 month old said, “It feels like just yesterday that I was pregnant and Wyatt (the 9 month old) was born.” Left hanging in the air was the fact that I am the one still without child. I guess she should have added that it feels like yesterday that I started trying to get pregnant. Except that it doesn’t. It feels like forever. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I’m kind of in a TTC funk. Has anyone experienced this before? In the year that we tried unaided (and unsuccessfully) to get pregnant, I counted the days until I ovulated. I counted days until I could take a pregnancy test. I cried at BFN and constantly obsessed about trying to get pregnant. Now that we have passed that fateful one year mark I just feel kind of blah about it.

Even though we have a whole year behind us I somehow just now started feeling like I have all the time in the world. Does that make sense? I’m just unsure if this as a result of being in the hands of a competent RE or if I am just so emotionally exhausted from the whole process that I’m not sure if I can handle anymore disappointment. The mind is a funny thing. It has ways of protecting us that we can’t always understand. I’m pretty sure that’s where hope and the ability to cope come from.

As I mentioned before, we tried to NOT get pregnant in January just in case I had a septum. Which I don’t. So now there is this month. And for some reason I am on the fence as to whether or not I want to resume TTC. Yeah, I never thought I would write those words either….I have a few theories as to why this might be:

1. I just started the Zoloft 3 weeks ago and it hasn’t really kicked in yet. Shouldn’t I give it more time before I potentially add pregnancy hormones into the mix?

2. I got a new job which I start on Monday. Is it wrong to potentially get pregnant so early into my employment?

3. My brother is getting married in March and if I were to get pregnant this month then I would be about 8 weeks along on their wedding day. This is all well and good except for the fact that my father will be there. I have seen him or talked to him in over 6 years (which is a story for another time) and I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to make it through that night without a drink or five two. Pretty selfish, huh?

4. I’m really scared that it isn’t going to work again.

On the other hand there are also a few reasons as to why we should resume trying this month:

1. My husband will be in town during that extra special window and I can’t be sure that the same will be true next month.

2. Timing is never really perfect. There are going to be so many situations throughout my pregnancy that I will want to avoid, but i can’t avoid everything.

3. For some unknown reason women experience better fertility in the three months following an HSG test (I had mine 4 days ago). That would be terrible time to waste when we should be taking all the help we can get.

4. I want a baby. Really. More than anything.

I’m glad I wrote it out because it made my choice so much more clear. I think. I’ve never really been known to be the decisive type. Perhaps we’ll just throw caution to the wind and see what happens?


11 Responses to “My TTC Funk”

  1. TheStorkWhisperer February 8, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

    I agree with the idea of not charting or temping. As easy as the action is, I think it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on a woman. Plus, I don’t see how it can possibly be accurate considering the temperature of the house, whether you toss or turn or not, etc.

    If you need a break, go for it. No one says you have to try every cycle. Sometimes, you just need to recharge.

  2. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown February 7, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

    Yup. I second this motion. Does it feel a little liberating? To know your body well enough to not have to do all of the homework? And to go back to not worrying (if that’s possible – but I bet it is)? Life happens. Good and bad. And trying to plan and make it the perfect moment is the hardest and most futile thing we do.

    And wait, what’s this septum business? So everything went well with the doctor then?

    • Jenn February 8, 2012 at 11:46 am #

      It definitely feels good to not have to do the homework, but I’m sure the worrying will start back up once I’m in the two week wait again 😦 I hope not though!

      The doctor went well. I got the HSG test and there is no septum and my tubes are wide open. The doctor said everything looks perfect in there. So we’re just waiting to hear what the next step should be.

  3. Amy February 7, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    I agree with all of the above 🙂 I would say to def get your groove thing going, but don’t time anything…don’t temp, don’t obsess. If you get preggo, than it was def meant to be 😉 I understand all of your concerns, they make perfect sense. And for the record, I must have at least a glass of wine or two at big social events…ESP what you got going on, not selfish! Gooood luck at the new job Jenn!!!!!

    • Jenn February 7, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

      Thanks Amy!! That definitely seems to be the consensus and exactly what I plan to do 🙂 The glasses of wine are so essential, but at some point I will have to live without them anyway. Might as well start now…. xoxo

  4. Theresa February 7, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

    I vote to try by not really trying. I.e. you’re probably aware of your fertile window and BD then, but don’t make yourself nuts with charting and temping and pee sticks and all of that madness. We are approaching a fertile window for me, and I feel similarly to you about it, like I’m not even sure I care to try!
    All of your reasons to try and not try are totally valid. Whatever you decide, its justified!

    • Jenn February 7, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

      Definitely seems to be consensus! Thanks for your input and I think that’s definitely what I will be doing. I don’t have the energy to obsess this month anyway…we’ll see if that changes 🙂 Thanks Theresa!!

  5. K.Smitty February 7, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

    I second that. I totally feel your anxiety about seeing your dad and wanting to drink (for the record, I DON’T think it’s selfish of you), but I still say it’s worth the shot to try. Like you said, you can’t avoid everything. But I do agree with the advice to try and just have fun and not track. I wish you lots of luck with that because I don’t know if I could let go of temping and charting, even if/when I finally do get pregnant, but maybe this is what you need.


    • Jenn February 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

      I know you understand! It’s already driving me crazy anticipating it…. But you guys are right. We’re just going to “relax” and see what happens. Ha! I’ll let you know if that’s even possible. Thanks lady! Xoxo

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. searching for middle ground February 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    Give your mind a rest, put all those thoughts to the side and just see what happens. Don’t chart, don’t keep track of anything. Stay positive, enjoy yourself and your husband and see what happens. Thinking of you!

    • Jenn February 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

      Sounds like great advice. Thanks 🙂

      Sent from my iPhone

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