On the Up and Up

19 Feb

Sorry I have been MIA this week. I started my new job this past Monday so I am still getting used to losing about 40 hours of personal time per week. The good news is that I really like my new job! This is a complete 180 from the job I tried (and failed at) starting back in January. It’s totally different work from what I have been doing for the past 10 years and that is a good thing. I was so done, emotionally and physically, with caring for other people’s children. Once I was stricken with infertility my previous job working in preschool or childcare simply was no longer working for me.

Instead, I got a job doing admin work for a renewable energy company. My days are mostly spent doing grants for the clients. And I couldn’t be more happy about it. I don’t have to be to work until 10am which a huge bonus for me. I require a lot of sleep mostly due to my anxiety disorder. The more sleep I can get, the better off I am the next day. So, not having to get out of bed until 9am works wonders in helping me to have a good day. Plus, I have been so tired that I have been going to bed by 11pm. That’s 10 whole hours of sleep! Best decision I ever made.

It has been strange adjusting to being outside of the house for 8 hours a day. It’s so hard to balance personal time with having a full-time job. Sunday means something totally different now. I actually have to get up and go to work tomorrow. I have to pack my lunch and my gym bag before going to bed. It has been difficult finding the time to do the things I really want to do like watching certain tv shows, reading, or going to the gym. Somehow it feels like I am wasting from little free time I have now. But then I stop and ask myself what the heck else I’m supposed to be doing. This is it. This is productivity. And it feel so good πŸ™‚

Speaking of feeling good….it’s been 4 weeks since I started the Zoloft and I am beyond happy to report that it was the best decision that I have ever made. I feel so…normal? Or at least what I assume being normal is supposed to feel like. Even my husband remarked at how even-keeled I have become. I feel happy and confident. I don’t find myself fretting over the things that used to make my life incredibly difficult. They’re little things, but they make all the difference to me. I started a new job, happily. I know you guys don’t know me in real life, but trust me when I say that is huge for me. There were no tears and no panic attacks. Just confidence and trust in myself that I was more than capable and competent.Β  I’m not just going through motions, I feel these changes down to my very core.

I had a family party at my house on Saturday. Normally I dread these things. Not because I don’t love my family, but because the anxiety causes me to get overwhelmed and fearful about what “might” happen. But not this time. This time, the night before the party, I was telling my husband how much I was looking forward to it! These are just two small examples about how differently I am feeling these days, but really I am sure that this was the best decision for me, right now. I have moved towards that light at the end of the tunnel that I spent years chasing. I’m not yet basking in the sunlight, but I can touch it. I am closer than I have ever been.

Between enjoying my life and starting my new job, I somehow managed to forget all about being in the 2ww. I know, crazy, right? At dinner tonight I was telling my husband that I should be getting my period in 5 days (great topic for dinner) and he asked me if I thought I was definitely going to get it. Only then did it occur to me, that I was in the 2ww. 11 DPO to be specific. It could be because I’ve been so distracted or it could be because I am now assuming that I can’t and won’t get pregnant on my own. It’s probably a combination of the two, but let’s just say that I’m not holding my breath this month.

Zoloft has by no means robbed me of all my negative emotions. That was something I was concerned about. I still feel low from time to time, it just isn’t an all-consuming/the world is going to end/there aren’t enough tissues to dry my tears kind of low. I’ve cried upon learning that we were moving onto Clomid and IUIs. I cried at an episode of Parenthood (which is the norm). And I am sure I will cry when I get my period andΒ  BFN this month. There are some aches that even Zoloft can’t cure.


4 Responses to “On the Up and Up”

  1. amy February 20, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    Sooo glad you are feeling better…I’ve been looking forward to this update, I knew it would be coming! Also, I’m way happy that you like your job, that is a big deal!!

    Crying over certain things is totally normal, these are pains of the heart that just can’t really be relieved until you have a healthy, precious baby in your arms πŸ˜‰ Which, by the way, you will!!

    • Jenn February 24, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      Thanks lady!! I’ve been thinking about you!

      And I know we will get that baby one day, I just with one day was now. But I know you understand that…one day we will both have those sweet babies in our open arms πŸ™‚

  2. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown February 20, 2012 at 12:20 am #

    I’m so happy that you’re feeling progress with your emotional and mental state! That’s huge.

    • Jenn February 24, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      Huge indeed! And it feels fantastic! Thanks Jell πŸ™‚

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