My Bittersweet Weekend

20 Mar

I have no pictures to upload for the March Photo Challenge. Well, I have them….I just can’t upload them at this moment but I will be doing it soon. Promise.

I’ve been a little absent as of late and truthfully, it’s sort of  been on purpose. I’m in the 2ww right now, 12 DPO. And I am doing absolutely everything in my power to ignore that fact. So far, I’ve been doing a pretty good job. Unfortunately, it means I have been neglectful of this little corner of the internet in the process.

The reason being is that I have a pretty big weekend coming up. My brother is getting married and I will be seeing my father for the first time in 7 years. To say we have a complicated relationship is actually an overstatement. We really have absolutely no relationship at all.

My parents had me when they were quite young. My mom was 18 and my Dad was 21. Two short years later, my younger brother was born (the one that is getting married this weekend.) Six months later, they were divorced and thus began the emotional roller coaster that has become my relationship with my father.

When I was much younger he was granted custody every other weekend so long as he continued to pay child support. Well, he rarely paid support until my Mom had his wages garnished. Not that it mattered anyway because most of the time when my Mom would try to drop us off at his house for scheduled visits he wouldn’t be home. This pretty much continued well into my teens, excluding the spans of time when we would go years without hearing from him. Instances come to mind such as the Happy 12th Birthday card he sent me for my 16th birthday. Or the time he got married and didn’t invite us to his wedding. Or the time, just a few short years ago, when he was practically dying and I was the only one with information that could help save his life. Did he call me for it? Of course not. He’s too much of a coward for that. My Dad was not invited to my wedding–my mother walked me down the aisle.

When my brother was 15 and I was 17, he got kicked out of high school for reasons I won’t go into. Mostly because that’s his story to tell, not mine. But also because he’s in the Army so that information should be kept classified. Once he got kicked out his big plan was just to drop out of school, but my Mom wouldn’t have that. So she did what any great mother would do: she swallowed her pride and called my Dad. The man who abandoned her and their young family and turned her world upside down on a regular basis. The man who, for the previous 17 years, had been nothing more than an absent father and a name on a birth certificate.  But she did what she has to do in order to provide the best possible education for her son.

Long story short, my brother ended up moving in with our Dad, a practical, yet biological stranger. Eventually, my Dad ended up sending him to military school which turned out to be the best decision that could have been made for him. All this is to explain how it is that my brother and my Dad have some semblance of a relationship, while I have absolutely none.

Of course there is so much more to this story…trust issues, fears of abandonment, low self-esteem, anger, anxiety, depression. Not to mention countless hours spent in therapy. My father isn’t an all around bad father. He’s just hasn’t been very good to me. He has three stepchildren with whom he very much played an active father role in their lives. I spent so many years thinking this was because I wasn’t worthy of his love, that I was somehow a bad daughter. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I accepted that this couldn’t be farther from the truth. He must have his own demons and I am not responsible for them. I was just a child, I never needed to earn his love, he should have given that to me freely. Knowing these two things to be true has aided me in mourning for our relationship, picking up the pieces, and going on with my life. I’m not sure that I would choose to change the way things are even if  I could. It took me so long to get to this place of acceptance that it seems like too big of a risk to open my life to him once again. Time and reason has shown me that he will only let me down.

There is, however, there is one great thing that came out of this sob story: my husband. The one thing my father taught me was that I should marry a man who is absolutely nothing like him. So, that’s what I did.

My father will be at my brother’s wedding this weekend. Saturday ends the 7 year span since we have seen each other and Sunday will most likely begin a new one. For the most part I have accepted this relationship that we have. I don’t dwell on it any longer and I don’t even think about it that often. I spent so much time mending my heart and I refuse to let it be broken again by a man whom I share nothing except DNA. At the same rate, I know this weekend will be tough for me and I want to go into as emotionally prepared as possible. Hence the reason that I have taken this 2ww, packed it into little box in my mind, and filed it under “Too Much to Handle Right Now.” Do not open until Sunday….

Technically, I could take a pregnancy test on Friday, but I have no plans to do so. If I get a BFN I know that I will be devastated and I simply can’t be a teary mess all weekend. It’s not fair to my brother and I will not allow my father the privilege of seeing me in such a vulnerable state. I do not want to have to fill him in on my tales of TTC.

On the other hand, it if is a BFP (I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE) I also don’t want to know just yet. I am terrible at keeping my mouth shut and my whole family is going to be there. It’s simply too early to tell anyone yet. And again, that’s not fair to my brother to steal his thunder like that.

So, away it goes into its little box. Safely compartmentalized.

I’ll be testing when I get home from the wedding on Sunday. It has to be good news. It simply must.



13 Responses to “My Bittersweet Weekend”

  1. robin March 22, 2012 at 12:56 am #

    HUGS! You will make it through the weekend. No matter how long it FEELS, time moves at exactly the same speed as it always does! This Saturday will not physically last any longer than any other Saturday, and you have made it through many of them without even a thought. And then it will be over, and then you can test. 🙂

    • Jenn March 22, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

      I can’t even begin to describe what an epiphany I had after reading your comment. OF COURSE time will move at exactly the same speed that it always does! I’ve made it through thousands of Saturday, surely this one is merely a blip on the radar. Thank you SO much for that perspective 🙂

  2. amy March 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    Oh Jenn…well I understand as well, having had some “daddy issues” as I like to call them. Although mine came around 20 years old, either way it’s hard. I love the approach you have with this, and I really like what you’ve learned over the years…it’s absolutely the truest statement.

    I think you are so right in saving testing until after the wedding…I love the way you put it “Do not open until Sunday”…you’re such a smart gal 😉

    I hope all goes well this weekend Jenn!! Just remember what a strong and confident woman you are!! And PRAYING for your BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Jenn March 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

      Sorry to hear you have “daddy issues” too 😦 It is definitely a hard thing to deal with, but I am glad we are both learning and growing in the process. Thanks SO MUCH for your prayers!!

  3. searching for middle ground March 21, 2012 at 9:53 am #

    Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to not only get through this weekend with the person you only share DNA with but to not let him get in the way of sharing in your brothers happiness! Also sending good BFP vibes your way!!!!

    • Jenn March 21, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

      Thanks!! I am going to try so hard to not let him spoil my weekend..I think I can do it. Even more so, THANKS for the positive vibes. I am really, really hoping this is our month 🙂

  4. K.Smitty March 20, 2012 at 10:00 pm #

    Gosh, reading this of course brought back my own bad memories. Even though the beginning and middle of our stories are very different, I’m glad to see ours end somewhat similarly in the fact that you have freed yourself of those awful and untrue thoughts that you weren’t good enough. It may not make things easier when you’re around him but it sure does help you sleep better at night! I really hope this weekend goes well in a lot of ways. Of course I hope you get your BFP but the counselor in me is hoping for some cathartic reunion. Either way, I’m glad you could share this. I hung on every word and will be eagerly awaiting an update! (And maybe pictures of you looking cute?) 🙂 Fingers crossed for a VERY good weekend for you!

    • Jenn March 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

      Sorry to bring back bad memories for you 😦 BUt at the same rate I am glad we are both learning how to move on and be better people in spite of AND because of who our fathers are. As far as cute pictures…they may have to be from the neck up. I am wearing a terrible bridesmaids dress!! Thanks for the positive vibes!!!

  5. 35life March 20, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

    I have an almost-nonexistent relationship with my dad too. It’s tough to share these things, but glad you did. I totally understand about waiting it out for the sake of others. Have had many a weekend where there were family plans that I didn’t want to rain on. You are so strong!

    • Jenn March 20, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

      Thank you do much, it really means a lot to me. Sorry to hear you have a similar situation with your dad 😦

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. futuresoccermom March 20, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

    Wow, what a story. Thank you for sharing it. I truly hope you do get your bfp on sunday!!

    • Jenn March 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      Thank you 🙂 I’ve been meaning to share it for some time. Fingers crossed!

      Sent from my iPhone


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