Only I….

19 Apr

Because I couldn’t take the suspense and drama any longer, I went in for a blood pregnancy test this morning.–the day that I am supposed to get my period. A nurse just called me back and the first thing she says is, “It’s positive!” I immediately start crying and freaking out and she says, “wait, let me clarify. The estradiol is positive. The HCG is negative.” So basically I got an inconclusive blood pregnancy test.

The estradiol is 85, which is well above 50 and that is the number they use as a baseline. She said it could be one of two scenarios:

1. I am pregnant but the HCG just isn’t high enough to register yet.

2. I am having an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) and the estradiol level will go back down to 50 eventually.

She wants me to come back on Monday for another test. Even if I get my period in the meantime it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am not pregnant, so I have to keep taking the progesterone. Um, how exactly does that work??? It got me to thinking back to last July. The one and only time I have ever seen a positive pregnancy test. I tested negative all the way up until my period was 7 days late, which is when I got a positive urine test. By the time I got a blood test, that was negative too so we never really figured out what happened that month. Perhaps my body is just slow on the HCG uptake? I am really hoping that this is my answer.

I have been so nauseous all morning. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy or nerves. I have been exhausted all week and my boobs just started getting sore yesterday. The strange thing about that is that typically they get sore about a week before my period arrives and then suddenly they aren’t sore anymore and I get my period the next day. Who knows?

I just really thought I would have a definitive answer today. Only I would get an inconclusive blood test, I’m pretty sure. I hate that there isn’t anything I can do to about it. I told my husband that I so desperately want to do something just to have SOMETHING to do. I had this overwhelming urge to run to the nearest church, drop to my knees, and pray to a God that I’m not even sure if I believe in. It’s the only “reasonable” thing I can think to do. But wouldn’t that offend God if I only called on him in my time of need?

Anyway, whatever you believe in, please do it for me. Pray, cross your fingers, burn a candle, have a sΓ©ance. I just need all possible positive thoughts sent my way. I need this in a big way, I’m simply not sure if I have the strength to get through this weekend without an answer. And I’m even less sure I have the strength to handle what lies on the other side.

 

xoxo

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28 Responses to “Only I….”

  1. fertilitydoll April 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    First time I’ve stumbled on your blog. Just wanted to send lots and lots and lots of luck your way! x

    • Jenn April 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

      Welcome! And thank you so very much!

  2. veetamia April 20, 2012 at 4:24 am #

    Sending positive thoughts and warm hugs your way!! The weekend will come to a close soon and I’m hoping you get wonderful results on Monday again! The waiting game is so hard! I hope you find something to do and take your mind off for the next couple of days. Hang in there β™₯

    • Jenn April 20, 2012 at 9:33 am #

      Thank you so much! I’m already one day closer and fortunately I have a pretty busy weekend so I hope it flies by.

      Sent from my iPhone

  3. laughingpromises April 20, 2012 at 12:52 am #

    I echo K. Smitty’s comment. If you are feeling a pull toward Him, don’t ignore it. He is there and He loves you and cares. πŸ™‚ Praying for you, girl.

    • Jenn April 20, 2012 at 9:32 am #

      Thanks lady πŸ™‚ I’ve definitely been thinking about it.

      Sent from my iPhone

  4. Belle April 19, 2012 at 9:46 pm #

    Oh my gosh. What was that nurse thinking/??? Hang in there and know we are here cheering you on. xoxo

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm #

      Thanks lady! It really means so much to me.

      Sent from my iPhone

  5. A Sweet Life April 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

    Wow – the suspense is killing me….it must be destroying you!!!!! I will pray for you….that you can get some peace and rest in the next few days, but most importantly, that you get that BFP!!!

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

      Thanks so much. I really need all of the above right now πŸ™‚

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. Theresa April 19, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    Ugh how annoying!!!! I think I’d have a brief moment of wanting to slap the nurse for that one!. Hoping Monday brings good news!

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

      Believe me, I felt the same way. Thanks πŸ™‚

      Sent from my iPhone

  7. TheStorkWhisperer April 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    What was that nurse thinking?!
    I hope you get your positive soon!

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

      Seriously?!?! Thanks πŸ™‚

      Sent from my iPhone

  8. storkchaser April 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    omg!!!! I gave a little cry (of excitement) and then immediately wondered why in the H did she tell you that way! Sorry. But I’m really praying for some higher HCG numbers! And ps- you won’t offend God by coming to Him when you need something. Although since my faith has been shaky the last several years, I guess I’m not the best one to give advice. πŸ˜‰ Honestly though, I think it’s ok. CROSSING MY FINGERS!

  9. K.Smitty April 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    oh gosh I really hope you get good news very soon!

    I just wanted to add though…you cannot offend God for only going to Him in your time of need. The God I know would be so overjoyed to have you reach out to Him for help, no matter what the circumstance. He doesn’t hold grudges or get temperamental, or take revenge. I believe His love is unconditional and at the very worst, His heart breaks only when you don’t know who He is. I’m not saying you need to find the nearest church and get down on your knees, only that you should NEVER let guilt or pride or the fear of some sort of retaliation stop you because that’s not what it’s all about. It’s only about love. About His love for you, and maybe your love for Him. But that’s it. I believe God will never turn His back on you. Sorry to get preachy on your blog! I’m no religious scholar, but as a Christian, I can’t help but feel like it’s my duty to make sure you know He hasn’t turned his back on you. Or on anyone. Even though it feels like it sometimes. He will always be there if you need Him. ….And hopefully, so will I! πŸ™‚ If one of us ever quits blogging, there’s always e-mail! xo

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

      Thanks lady!

      I don’t you worry about being “preachy,” I asked for it! There are definitely some hormones running amok here because you response totally brought tears to my eyes. Definitely some things I need to think about….There is always email! One day we’ll be exchanging pictures of our babies, I just know it! Countdown is on for you, right?

      • K.Smitty April 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

        Aw I didn’t mean to make ya cry! I just think you deserve to know the truth–that you are loved and even though it doesn’t feel like it, you have not been forgotten about.

        Countdown is on for me now, but my temps went down today and I know that doesn’t mean anything conclusive, but looking at my past charts, I’m pretty sure I’m out. Oh well.

        And as always, e-mail me anytime if there’s ever something more private or lengthy you’d like to discuss! I’m sorry to hear about AF. Maybe May will be our month?

        • Jenn April 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

          Thanks so much πŸ™‚ and you know I’m always here for you too!

          May is a good month. I hope it’s our month! Xoxo

          Sent from my iPhone

        • Jenn April 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

          How many dpo are you?

          Sent from my iPhone

          • K.Smitty April 24, 2012 at 5:53 am #

            11. And my LP is usually 12 or 13 days. So I should know either way by the end of the week.

            • Jenn April 24, 2012 at 9:36 am #

              Well that’s exciting! Keep me posted and I’ll keep my fingers crossed πŸ™‚

              Sent from my iPhone

  10. robin April 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Wait – what?! Why would the nurse say that to you and then give you inconclusive results?? BOO! I’m thinking of you, hoping those HCG numbers rise!!!

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

      That’s what really threw me. Why would you lead with that statement? I just called back to get my exact HCG number but of course they are closed. Thanks for thinking of me.

  11. searching for middle ground April 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    stay positive girlie, try to relax – I know that will be hard but you’ll have answers soon enough. you’ve been patient this long! only a few more days!

    • Jenn April 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

      I’m trying. I just took a break from work and went and sat in the sun for a bit. It helped to relax me. Now a new countdown begins.

      • Roxxroxx April 20, 2012 at 4:05 am #

        you have waited so long already – the next couple of days will crawl but it isn’t long! Keep yourself busy as you can – watch movies, do anything that you love, be it shopping, working out, drawing, reading…..
        Fingers crossed!!!

        • Jenn April 20, 2012 at 9:33 am #

          One day down already! Thanks!

          Sent from my iPhone

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