Eff It All

23 Apr

Yeah, so I’m not pregnant.

I got my period on Saturday and celebrated by going to my best friend’s son’s first birthday party. I’m not gonna lie….I also celebrated by getting super drunk that night because I could.

I don’t really have anything to say about it except next time I’m just going to assume that I am not pregnant. I just feel numb. I’m really starting to worry that this is never going to happen for us and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand the disappointment. I would give anything to be able to go home, crawl into bed, and weep until my heart’s content. Instead I have to put on a brave smile and accomplish meaningless tasks at work today. Besides, if I wept until my heart was content, I’d be crying until I held our baby in my arms. That’s a lot tears. Buckets full.

We’re sort of taking the month off. We’re still going to try but sans clomid, trigger shots, IUIs, sonograms, and progesterone. We can’t afford another IUI this month so I figure I might as well give my body a month off from the stress and hormones if it’s not going to work anyway. This is all beginning to get very expensive and we can’t spend money that we don’t have. Insurance isn’t much help at this point, so the whole procedure and everything that comes with it is out of pocket. Maybe I should put a PayPal link on my sidebar and hope some generous millionaire stumbles upon my blog? That seems just about as  likely to happen as getting pregnant does. So, why not? A girl can dream. But a girl can also be suffering from flights of fancy.

One good thing that has come from this whole ordeal is how much closer it has brought my husband and I. I hear these types of things can tear marriages apart, but I only feel mine getting stronger. We are the only two people in the whole world that get out situation. It’s a terribly unfortunate, isolating secret that only we two are in on. What a bittersweet idea. We see our world so much differently than those around us see theirs and while it is comforting to know that I am not alone, I wish more than anything that I could spare him this grief. In spite of everything, we had the most amazing Saturday night together. After the party, we came home. We opened a bottle of wine. Slow danced. Talked until we fell asleep at 4am. Made plans for the future that have nothing to do with babies. We’re going to Mexico. We’re moving to Chicago…or France. Maybe these things will never happen, but dreaming together made me feel so alive. And so in love. Then we did the kinds of things that people do, the kinds of things that don’t make babies but are essential to any relationship. There was no pressure on either of us and it didn’t feel like a means to end. It simply felt intimate and exactly what we needed in those moments.

Come what may, I will always be grateful for the man with whom I share my life and everything that entails.



21 Responses to “Eff It All”

  1. Roxxroxx April 25, 2012 at 6:33 am #

    I understand everything you write here; the doubt, the compensatory dreams of an adventurous baby-free future… the decision not to assume you are pregnant (more difficult in practice than it sounds, I have found). It is something that is bringing me and A closer and closer too. The term rollercoaster is really overused, but that is exactly what this is – and incredible strain and we are amazing women who are coping!

  2. amy April 24, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    Oh Jenn, I’m so so sorry 😦 Reading what you wrote totally reminds me of my first failed IUI…the first one for me, was the most devastating one! It was like reading my own words. And the part about growing closer to your husband…ditto! A part of me wouldn’t trade my infertility for anything b/c of what it has brought to my marriage. I think relaxing and taking a little time off is good for the body and soul 🙂 It will be ok, and you will have your precious baby one day. Enjoy your valuable time with your husband sweet girl!

    • Jenn April 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

      Thanks hon 🙂 Yeah, my husband and I were talking about it and we think it’s because the more interventions you get, the higher your chances of getting pregnant are so you fall much harder. I just hope it works next time…. xoxo

  3. TheStorkWhisperer April 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

    I’m sorry things did not work out this time. It sucks and I agree, “Eff it all!”

    • Jenn April 23, 2012 at 10:04 pm #


      Sent from my iPhone

  4. laughingpromises April 23, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    I’m so sorry. 😦

    I’m glad it’s bringing you and your hubby closer together.

    • Jenn April 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm #

      Thank you. I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

      Sent from my iPhone

  5. futuresoccermom April 23, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

    So sorry this wasn’t your month. I know how hard it is. Thinking of you.

    • Jenn April 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

      Thanks lady 🙂

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. A Sweet Life April 23, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

    Im so sorry. I was so excited for you, as things seemed so promising. Hang in there. It is wonderful to have such a support husband. I will be routing and praying for you…..

  7. Jenn April 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

    Thank each and every one of you for your kind words are you support–I can’t even begin to explain how much this means to me. I’m stilling feeling pretty blah, but the day is almost over and then I can go home and sulk if I want. I am very luck to have my husband, I really don’t know what I would do without him. Thanks again!! xoxo

  8. Lyndell April 23, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    hugs and strength to you xo

  9. fertilitydoll April 23, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    I’ve got to agree with Belle. Your relationship sounds so beautiful. I think I need one of those nights.

  10. storkchaser April 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    Oh Jenn I’m sorry. I’m actually sad lol! But I’m soooooo glad you and your hubby are growing closer during this journey. We are very lucky to have such great partners. Hubster and I have had those conversations where we plan our awesome futures traveling and living wherever we want too. They’re fun but also sad. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  11. Don't call me Brenda April 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

    I decided the same thing, that I’m not going to assume I’m pregnant any more. I’m done with that bologna. The disappointment is just too much to bare some months.

    I’m sorry honey. ❤ I know how much it hurts, and I also know what it's like to have an amazingly supportive partner in crime. You guys will get through this, together. He and you are truly "forever". (Hey! I'm a poet!) Some people never find love like that. Thinking of you. xo

  12. EmHart April 23, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    I am so glad you have your wonderful man. I always knew I had a diamond in Kitt but at the moment i feel it even more. I thank heaven every single day for him. He is my rock to cling to in this storm and I am his. I am truly sorry this was not your month.

  13. 35life April 23, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    I’m so sorry. It’s so incredibly frustrating and painful. I love that you guys are pulling through. I feel the same way with my husband. We do the same thing, we talk about our future if we can’t have children. Wine helps, too. Hang in there.

  14. Shelley April 23, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    Argh! WTH. I’m so sorry Jenn, I really had so much hope for you this cycle! Seriously, it’s so unfair. I feel the same way about my hubby and I must admit I swooned a little reading about your wine and your slow dancing and up late talking. Thank goodness you have him. I hope you can take this cycle off to get back to you and feeling a little more centered. Are you having a follow up w/your RE?

  15. K.Smitty April 23, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    😦 I’m sorry it didn’t work this month. ***hugs***

  16. robin April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    I’m so sorry, this is crazy frustrating. I love the description of you and your husband dreaming together of the future, of trips and things you are going to do together. What a wonderful way to make it through this disappointment. So glad you are weathering this together.

  17. Belle April 23, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    Oh babe, I’m so sorry. What am amazing relationship you and your husband have. I felt twinges of jealousy as I read your post. I’m glad he is so caring, supportive and shares in your grief. xoxo

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