We’re All In This Thing Together; Walking the Line Between Faith and Fear

17 May

I must start off by saying how much being a part of this community means to me. Maybe it’s because I can hide behind my keyboard, but having the space to say whatever is on my mind and to completely be myself has worked wonders for my self-esteem. I love the advice, the shoulders to whine on, and the cyber hugs that  I receive on a daily basis. I wish that I could sit and have a glass of wine with each and every one of you girls. (Is there a way to work that out?) I also wish I could bring your to parties where I am the only childless mother in attendance. You have all helped to mold, shape, and even define the infertile woman that I am today.

But it’s no secret that I have had a hard time coming to terms with all the BFPs in our community recently. It’s not because I’m jealous and it certainly isn’t because I am not immensely happy for all of you. It has more to do with my my fear of losing this community that I have built up around me. When I find that I have emotions that are directly contradictory toward one another, I often take a few days to hem and haw over my feelings. I am nothing if not introspective and self-aware, perhaps even to a fault.

On Mother’s Day I was slightly (okay, more than slightly intoxicated) and listening to one of my favorite bands, Old Crow Medicine Show. And I had what can only be described as an epiphany of sorts. First I bawled my eyes out at the song “Take ‘Em Away.” I was crying out to God the words to this song….”Lord, take ’em away. Take away these chains from me. My heart is empty cause my spirits not free. Lord, take away these chains from me.” Then came the song directly after this one, We’re All In This Thing Together. Seriously, if you have a minute please listen to this song. If you can’t listen to this song right now, here are the lyrics:

Well my friends, I see your face so clearly
Little bit tired, little worn through the years
You sound nervous, you seem alone
I hardly recognize your voice on the telephone

In between I remember
Just before bound-up, broken-down
We drive out to the edge of the highway
Follow that lonesome dead-end roadside south

(Chorus:)
We’re all in this thing together
Walkin’ the line between faith and fear
This life don’t last forever
When you cry I taste the salt in your tears

Well my friend, let’s put this thing together
And walk the path with worn out feet of trial
‘Cause if you wanted we can go home forever
Give up your jaded ways, spell your name to God

(Chorus)

All the hour there’s a picture in a mirror
Fancy shoes to grace our feet
All there is is a slow road to freedom
Heaven above and the devil beneath

(Chorus)

First of all, I thought ‘what I wouldn’t give to have to have someone tell me that my voice sounds different on the telephone. Because you know what, I am different. I am  mother without a baby and everyone loves to skirt the issue. For once, I would love just one person to tell me that they know the pain that I am going through and that they recognize that in me. I want it to be known that I wear my heartache on my sleeve. I want to know that my heart is accepted for what it is, empty or full. Then I remembered that I have all of you.

Second, I remembered that so many women (including each of you) have walked this dead-end road with me. Each month is a crap shoot and yet, we keep on walking. Sure we stumble and sure we ask ‘how much longer.’ But in the end, we keep on walking because the greater goal far surpasses the pain we endure on the journey.

Lastly, I remembered that we are all, in fact, in this thing together. The only thing that separates those of you who are pregnant from those  of us that are not, is the baby in your belly. We have all worn thin the road of infertility. Babies or not, we all have started from the exact same place: that fine line between faith and fear.

For me that line separates faith in the possibility of pregnancy and fear of never achieving that.

For you that line separates faith in take-home baby and fear of the unknown.

We are the same. Our specifics may be different, but our hearts are the same.

So, please just know that I am here to walk that line with you. Faith. Fear. And everything in between. I’m here for every single moment of it all.

When you cry, I truly taste the salt in your tears.

How could I not willing give of that which I so desperately crave?

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8 Responses to “We’re All In This Thing Together; Walking the Line Between Faith and Fear”

  1. Shelley May 21, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    I really, really hear you. And I applaud you for saying out loud what I’ve been afraid to say, didn’t even realize I was feeling actually.

  2. amy May 18, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    Awww Jenn, that post was a tear jerker! As I said before, I understand how you feel seeing all the BFP’s…but you’re right, it is hard b/c they are moving on. I’m sure you’re not forgotten by them 🙂 But it’s hard, b/c while they celebrate their blessing, we are still in the battle.

    I’m grateful, too, for the IF community…but in this struggle, it would be so nice if someone (friends or family) recognized your agony.

    I’ll take you up on that glass (or bottle) of wine 😉 I love that song, spoke right to my heart!

    xoxo

  3. myjourneythruinfertility May 18, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    what a beautiful song and a wonderful post. our hearts ARE all the same even if our journey’s are different. I always really struggled watching BFPs and babies “take over” until I finally started looking at these women and their beautiful babies as pioneers . . . the women who paved the way for me to follow in their footsteps of motherhood. They were proof to me that one day I would conquer IF and find my happy ending 🙂 hugs to you

  4. Jennifer May 18, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    Great post! Being somewhat new to the community, I had not really thought about the BFPs the way you had – in terms of people moving on. At one point I did decide to separate my blogroll into those that are pregnant and those that are not because obviously the nature of the blogging would be different between the two. The thing I love about ICLW is that you get a chance to meet some new bloggers. 🙂

  5. veetamia May 18, 2012 at 3:14 am #

    LOve this post! I think you were able to put into words a lot of the feelings some of us, at least me, can identify with. For me it’s the hard realization that I should be there talking about my BFP and what comes after, but I’m not. But you are right, we are all in this thing together regardless of where we are at the moment. I pray and hope, and fiercely believe we will get there. Thanks for sharing this post Jenn.

  6. Roxxroxx May 17, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

    I love this post. After your last couple of posts I didn’t know what to say and I felt really sad about your feelings – a part of me felt as though I had betrayed you! I know how it felt though as there were many members getting their BFPs before I did, and I was genuinely happy for them, but it increased the intensity for a while of my craving for my own. I was all ready to discover just another BFN and still can’t really beleive it has happened. I fluctuate between calm and fear – my IVF embryo still may not ‘stick’, and I remember and understand your pain. In our case we have the wedding plan to distract us a little, which I think is helping. Like storkchaser says, you will get you BFP – you will have your turn and I hope that the BFPs can actually inspire hope. It will happen for you guys – look at Alleycat… She had been told unequivocally it would NEVER happen naturally for her and it did. Keep that hope alive. xxxx

  7. laughingpromises May 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    Don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere. You’re not going to lose us, and I truly believe you will one day get your BFP, too.

  8. storkchaser May 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

    Wow. This was a wonderful post. I’m glad you feel support from this community and have remembered that you really aren’t alone in this awful, scary and isolating journey. I’m so thankful for you and everyone else. So much so that I ignored my IRL friends for a little while and wished all of you could be there IRL. Lol! The song was beautiful and you will get your bfp soon. I know it. I just look at all of the BFPs that have happened lately as or futures too! It will happen for us too, Jenn. Xs!

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