Questions Without Answers

19 Jun

It’s never the negative pregnancy tests that get to me. Sure, I would much prefer to see two pink lines, but a negative HPT doesn’t knock me out of the game. There is room for error and I count on that. I dutifully wake up each morning beginning with CD 10 and I pee on a stick hoping that for once I might see something positive. Alas, those two lines continue to allude me.

But truly, it isn’t the past 18 months of negative pregnancy tests that has gotten me down. It’s actually the last 18 months of my period showing up right on time, every time. That’s my cue to throw in the towel; that’s when I know for sure that this month is not our month. Even after a year and a half of unwelcome periods and months of desperately clinging to hope even though I told myself that I wouldn’t, it still comes as a shock to me. Come to find out that as an “unexplained infertile” my chances of getting pregnant each month defy logic. My chances of conceiving naturally each month actually go down with each passing failure.

And yet, life goes on. And yet, I wake each day still in this same body that is STILL not pregnant.

I question my worthiness as a woman. If my body is incapable of bearing children, what good is the anatomy I was born with?

I question my ability to be a good wife. Will me husband leave me eventually if the alternative is a life without children? Are we strong enough to weather the silence that will fill our home for the rest of our lives? Am I letting him down?

I question my own sexual abilities. Am I doing it wrong? Is there something I have missed?

I question my past. Have I made choices in the past that have made me deserving of being infertile? Have I harmed my body in some way that is irreversible?

I question the present. Are the motions that I am going through convincing enough for everyone else? Am I strong enough? Patient enough? Smart enough? Good enough? How do I shake these feelings of fear and failure?

But mostly I question my future. What is this never happens for me? Will I find a new dream? Will I hate myself too much for depriving both my husband and I of that which we want most in this life? Can I going on living this way until my life ends?

So many questions and I don’t have an answer for any of them. It seems that this is what this journey has been about for me. I have so many questions and so few answers. What is preventing me from getting pregnant?

That is a question that I hope to have an answer for sooner rather than later. I am well aware that this method has failed me before. I got my hopes up about the BBT charts, elevated prolactin, the potential uterine septum, the HSG, and my husband’s varicocele. I put my trust in Clomid, trigger shots, acupuncture, IUIs, and progesterone suppositories. All of which has led me nowhere. I’m a textbook case for “normal” in every which way and all the interventions that I have tried thus far have been aimless shots in the dark. I sincerely hope that I will not be adding yet another procedure to this list.

I have scheduled both a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy, which will be done at the same time. Who knows what they will find. Maybe nothing? Or maybe, just maybe, this will be the answer that I have been seeking. My surgery will be scheduled for next Tuesday or Wednesday which means the upcoming week could finally bring answers and solutions. I’d be lying if I said my hopes weren’t high. I need this to be it for me. I am beyond ready to move past the disillusionment I am suffering from my own body’s betrayal.

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36 Responses to “Questions Without Answers”

  1. Shelley June 24, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    Oh, girl. I could have written this post myself a couple of years ago. Word. For. Word.
    I swear my stupid period was never so on time and scheduled until we were TTC.
    I know that hollow punch in the gut when it’s there, yet again.
    I don’t have wisdom or magic words.
    I can say we found out lots from my laparoscopy. And that it did take many, many more tearful months of shots and appointments until my period was miraculously late.
    I wish you strength. I wish you answers.
    ICLW

  2. Detour June 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    I love how you phrased the questions…questioning your past, present, and future. I just found you through ICLW and look forwarded to reading more about your journey (hate the word “journey” but it kinda fits). I had a lap and hysteroscopy 1.5 years ago and ended up having endo. Good luck with your surgery!

  3. itsjustaboxofrain June 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    I am visiting from ICLW. I want to see, KEEP AT THE DOCS. I can’t tell you how long I was blown off for, and I am so happy that you are going in for a lap… I didn’t discover the reasons for my “unexplained” infertility for 6 years…which was so very frustrating. Being unexplained and told you are “normal” is so much harder than some might imagine, I would have given anything to have an answer to my pain. In the end there are about 5 different explanations which it took them a very long time to find.

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:52 am #

      I’m glad they finally found and explanation for you. Hopefully I will be joining that club soon. Thanks for stopping by πŸ™‚

  4. Sunny June 21, 2012 at 10:38 am #

    Argh. I am glad that you are getting the lap and hysteroscopy, but I can’t imagine how frustrating this all is. To be told, as of now, that there are no answers, simply “unexplained” is infuriating! Is it wrong that a small part of me envies your 28 day cycles? πŸ™‚ Send my ovaries some good juju! Hehe–all joking aside, I am feeling really positive for you as you go forward with these tests. I’m no doctor, but part of me feels like there HAS to be an explanation more than just “unexplained”, and I am really rooting for you to find the answers. Hugs, lady!

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      A lot of good my 28 day cycles are doing me, but I am so grateful that it’s one less thing I have to worry about. “Unexplained” is so much more frustrating than I think people realize. Thanks for the hugs, I hope all is well with you!

  5. Sara June 21, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    Stopping in from ICLW. Hope that your surgery brings you answers next week. Hope that you can get your BFP soon!

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:54 am #

      Thanks so much for stopping by. I;ll be hopping over to check out your blog too πŸ™‚

  6. Her Royal Fabulousness June 21, 2012 at 8:57 am #

    Here from ICLW – I think we have all asked ourselves these questions and it is so painful to not have the answers. I truly hope that your procedures go smoothly and provide some new information. But, in the meantime, remember that you are doing EVERYTHING you can, and that’s all you can do.

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:54 am #

      Thank you, it is so helpful to have a reminder of that from time to time πŸ™‚

  7. Katie June 21, 2012 at 8:52 am #

    Visiting from ICLW…good luck on your surgery! I had a septum removal in Sept….I hope thing brings you answers and you get your BFP asap! I will follow to see how things go for you!

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:55 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for the well wishes! So glad to have you πŸ™‚

  8. taradawes June 21, 2012 at 2:43 am #

    Good Luck with your surgery, I had both done at the same time as well about a year ago – I don’t remember much about the before and after, (I was knocked completely out), aside from a faint memory of patting the nurse on the hand afterwards and telling her she was a good nurse – oh the joys of anesthesia.

    The not having answers thing does indeed suck when it comes to medical stuff. All any of us want to know (I believe) is “what is wrong?” and “how do we fix it?”, and having a doctor say “unexplained” and “well we could try this and then maybe this” – is a lot of times of very little comfort.

    Hopefully all of us will not only get the answers we seek but the results we want so desperately somewhere down the line!

    • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:57 am #

      I’m so nervous about the anesthesia! How ridiculous is it that one of biggest worries is that I’ll say or do something stupid “under the influence?” Oh well, I can’t focus on that, I’ve got bigger fish to fry πŸ™‚

  9. Amy June 21, 2012 at 1:23 am #

    Wow! Stopping by from ICLW and I’m so glad I did. I feel like I could have written this post as I have asked all those same questions over and over again. I’m so hopeful for you that the surgeries bring you some insight and and your get your hearts desire (I got mine after 6 years, 3 IUIs, a lap and 2IVFs!). So many people have been right where you are and you are surrounded by people who understand. I’m one of them…and your newest follower!

  10. Theresa June 20, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    As a complete control freak, I hate these kinds of questions, because I hate to be without answers. The only thing that has kept me sane is to tell myself that not all things make sense and not everything can be explained. Except, it still drives me crazy that there are no answers. So then I just try to ignore them so I don’t go crazy πŸ™‚
    Hoping your surgery brings you some answers, and your dream, soon.

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 11:49 pm #

      Thanks lady! You hit the nail in the head! I hope your dream comes true soon as well πŸ™‚

      Sent from my iPhone

  11. 35life June 20, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    I know how you feel, too. We want answers and when we are told we are “normal” it just doesn’t make sense why we can’t get pregnant. I plan to be searching for more answers soon too. I just hope my new RE will listen to my requests for another lap. Good luck with yours!

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

      Thanks! What happened with your first lap? Do you feel like they missed something?

      • 35life June 21, 2012 at 10:44 am #

        First lap was at age 19 to diagnose severe endo. Second one was years later – January 2010 to clean the slate before ttc. I had a feeling the endo was back and it was. Now that it’s been 2.5 years since the second one, I’m almost wanting the new RE to do one, hoping it helps either find something we missed or make everything happier and/or stickier!

        • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:52 am #

          Sometimes we have to take control of our bodies, no one knows them better than us. I hope your new RE listens to you!

  12. JustHeather June 20, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    I hope your surgery brings you some answers. I was at that point (feelings and surgery) emotionally and with questions at 1.5 years also. It is so hard to not know what is wrong, if anything is wrong, and still continue on. I have come to learn to not give up hope. Your plans and path in life may change, but you shouldn’t give up hope.

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

      And now you’re pregnant??? That does give me hope!

  13. Belle June 20, 2012 at 8:58 am #

    I totally understand your desire for answers. That has been the hardest thing with my loss – I have answers, but they are still not enough. I sincerely hop your surgery brings some answers and that those answers give you the peace you need and the strength to press on.

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

      Thanks Belle! I guess it just makes me wonder if any answers will be good enough for us until we are holding our babies. My guess would be no. That’s the only thing that would keep me from forming more follow-up questions πŸ™‚ xoxo

  14. Meela June 20, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    Really glad to hear you’re having the lap and hysteroscopy. At least it’ll give you a better idea of what you’re dealing with. After mine, my FS pretty much told me it was unlikely I’d get pregnant via IUI and that I’d need to do IVF. It was confronting news but it’s saved me alot of $ and time that I could have wasted on IUIs had I not known. Good luck with it. I hope you get the answers you need and I hope you have a speedie recovery :).

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      Thanks lady! You’re absolutely right that it would be nice to have some semblance of an answer even if that answer is that we are doing now will never work. I’m super nervous about the surgery!

  15. @ErinHiscocks June 19, 2012 at 10:44 pm #

    I am right there with you on so many of these questions. I wish I had answers, for you and for myself.
    http://survivingriver.me/2012/06/05/questions-without-answers/

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

      Glad I’m not alone! So many freaking questions and NO ONE can answer them for us. I hope we both find resolution in some form (and soon!)

      • @ErinHiscocks June 21, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

        I think there are no answers except the ones that we will find in our hearts. Sometimes, I feel like I can accept this and really move on. Other times, I wish there was a complaint department where I could go and demand that this whole mess be “fixed.” It starts to get easier, and then out of the blue it’s harder than it ever has been.

        • Jenn June 22, 2012 at 11:51 am #

          Exactly. It’s such a ridiculous roller coaster that we can’t seem to get off. I’ll take answers or a baby, whichever comes first.

  16. Jennifer June 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

    ((hugs)) Good luck with your surgery!

  17. storkchaser June 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

    Not knowing is awful. I hope you get some answers. You deserve them. And I’m still hoping and praying and crossing my fingers that you get your bfp very, very soon!!!! (((hugs)))

    • Jenn June 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

      Thanks Darlin’, means so much to me!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tomorrow is THE Day! « The Future Fords - June 26, 2012

    […] at 2pm I will be wheeled into the operating room for my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. And then, hopefully, I will have some answers just a few hours later. Tomorrow could finally be the […]

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