“Time is of the Essence”

19 Jul

I just got back from my saline ultrasound and felt like I need to write this all down while it is fresh in my mind.

I guess the good news is that the ultrasound looked great. My uterus is polyp free, my lining looks good, and I have three follicles already at 10mm each and this is only CD7. That’s with no drugs whatsoever this cycle or the last.

The bad news is that the tissue they scraped off during my hysteroscopy came back from pathology as inflamed endometrial lining, not polyps. My RE said they just because pathology didn’t call them polyps doesn’t mean that’s not what they are. So, uh, what’s the point in sending them to pathology then? Now, I think that we are sort of, kind of back to the unknown. Who really knows because there doesn’t seem to be a stitch of logic to this process. One day I have a diagnosis, then next day no one can say for certain. One day I’m up and then next I’m knocked right back down. I really wish I could get off this damn roller coaster.

My RE said that “time is of the essence” and that we need to be as aggressive as ever in order to beat the potential polyps to the metaphorical finish line, i.e. pregnancy. Her game plan is is for us to try naturally this month seeing as I didn’t take any Clomid and that window has already closed for this cycle. She says there is a chance that they scraped my uterus clean and provided a perfect environment for implantation. If that doesn’t work then she wants me to do two cycles of Femara with timed intercourse and see how that goes. After that we will go back and two cycles of Clomid with IUI and then if that still doesn’t work, we move on to IVF.

She will only let me do six medicated cycles because it isn’t good/safe for my body to keep taking those drugs. She also said that if 4 IUIs don’t work, then there really isn’t any point in doing more. I guess I knew this already, but now I know for sure that I only have 4 more cycles until IVF is our only option.

I’m not even going to bother getting into how I feel about IVF vs. surrogacy vs. adoption vs. living child-free because that is another post all on it’s own.

What I am feeling now is anger and resentment in light of everything that is going on in my marriage at the moment. What I am feeling is hatred and betrayal towards my own body. And the combination of these two things does not make for a good mix. The combination of these two things means that I need to prepare myself to watch my dreams move just a little further beyond my grasp.

All I want is to curl up, have a good cry, and go back to bed. But instead I have to put on my happy face and get myself to work where I can use distraction and denial to get me through one more day. I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at doing that anyway–good to know there is at least one new trick you can teach this old, barren dog.

***You know what else REALLY PISSES ME OFF…when I do spell check on my posts before publishing them and spell check alerts me to make sure IUI, IVF, endometrial, surrogacy, Clomid , Femara, are real words, spelled correctly. Someone should alert spell check (or whoever) that those words are SO REAL that they probably mean more than other word on this page. Any other word with maybe the exception of marriage….



30 Responses to ““Time is of the Essence””

  1. Emily @ablanket2keep July 22, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    I’m sorry your appointment didn’t go well and the results are still confusing. If your insurance covers 6 IUIs then you should do the 6 IUIs. Why not give you every chance you can before going onto IVF? My insurance doesn’t cover some of the IUI and no meds, but we are doing 6 which was suggested by my Dr. Did 3 with clomid and on our 3rd with follistim. I know some Drs don’t like doing a lot of oral meds.
    Hoping and praying your uterus is in perfect condition for a little embie. Those 3 follicles sound promising. Grow follies grow!!! Big Hugz hon!

  2. Roxxroxx July 21, 2012 at 4:36 am #

    Hey Jenn, I am sorry about your diagnosis confusion, but I agree with another commenter that a blockage which was there before has been cleared, which is a positive thing. You have such a lot going on but you yourself said that you have a lot of strength and you have a lot to be positive about. The IUIs are covered – is great news. I know your time will be here soon! Thinking of you!

  3. 35life July 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time. We never really know where these appointments will take us emotionally and it’s so draining. And how annoying about spell-check! I hope you selected “ignore all”, which is what I’m sure we all want to do during these struggles! Ugh!

  4. robin July 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Eek… as if your desire to have a baby didn’t have its own internal pressure, but now “time is of the essence” 😦 On the other hand, I felt a LOT better once we got more aggressive and were doing back-to-back monitored cycles. CD1 was crushing but only for one MAYBE two days, because I had to go right back in for bloodwork and more meds and immediately start over again. I just felt *productive*. I don’t know how long I could have kept up that pace, though.

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

      Yeah, we’ve been doing back to back monitored cycles for a while now (just took off because of the surgery) and it definitely helps to get over the hump of CD 1. However, it is definitely starting to weigh on me. Heavily. Just all the “what-ifs.”

      • robin July 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

        So true … it’s even more apparent when doing them back-to-back that each month is “what if I’m pregnant” and all the big plans feel like they have to get put on hold. 😦

  5. storkchaser July 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Eeeek! Sorry I didn’t see this before the email I sent asking how you were doing lol! I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. It sucks and it’s not fair that this is happening to you. You will have your family and you don’t need to worry about exactly how that will happen now. Your plan sounds great, but since your IUIs are covered (right?) maybe you should push more of those if you don’t want to move onto IVF when your doctor wants you to. I’m her for you whenever you need .

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

      That’s kind of what I’m thinking. My insurance approved 6 IUIs and they are covered 100% because we met our deductible. I know there are a pain in the ass, but what’s the harm? I definitely plan to be more aggressive about that once it (hopefully it never does) get to that point.

      • jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown July 20, 2012 at 1:09 am #

        That’s pretty amazing that you have insurance that will cover this! I have some friends that had to pay out of pocket to to the IVF and it racked up something like $8K. Maybe that’s a silver lining to all of this? For now at least.

  6. storkchaser July 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    Eeeek! Sorry I didn’t see this before the email I sent asking how you were doing lol! I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. It sucks and it’s not fair that this is happening to you. You will have your family and you don’t need to worry about exactly how that will happen now. Your plan sounds great, but since your IUIs are covered (right?) maybe you should push more of those if you don’t want to move onto IVF when your doctor wants you to. I’m her for you

  7. searching for middle ground July 19, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    If you’d like me to dress in a padded suit and come over so you have a personal punching bag, I’m more than willing and you are more than deserving of having the chance to do so! πŸ™‚

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

      I could never do that! But I will be having more than my fair share of wine this evening so you can come over for that πŸ™‚

  8. Shelley July 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    I’m sorry you had a less than encouraging appointment. I know how much you long to shine a light on all the gray areas but the fact is that infertility is mostly gray and will probably always be (at least in our lifetime). I take comfort in my “unexplained” diagnosis, it gives me hope that there’s still a chance! Don’t lose heart in the 4 IUI cycles either – that’s still plenty of great opportunities! And most REs only do that many or even just 3 before moving onto more aggressive treatment. I am really sorry about the potential polyps too. I’m hoping they stay at bay long enough for you to get knocked up!

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

      Thanks lady. I am coming around and trying to focus on the possibilities that lie before me as opposed to everything that I don’t have. Hopefully that will lighten me up a little.

  9. Theresa July 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    It’s never cut and dry, this process, is it? Just when you think you might have an answer and are moving along the correct path life jumps up and smacks you in the face.

    Is there a reason why your doc wants to do Clomid/IUI vs injectibles/IUI? Just curious.

    Here’s hoping your 4 months bring you your dream.

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      I’m sure of the exact reason-she has never mentioned injectibles to me. Maybe because I already ovulate on my own so we don’t need to be that aggressive about? I’ll have to ask her about it next time I meet with her.

      • Theresa July 19, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

        I do too, but we went straight to injectibles. Just curious as to opinions!

  10. K.Smitty July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    Fack! My reaction: ‘time is of the essence?’ Really? How shocking. I didn’t know that. Holy hell! I’m so sorry your appt didn’t go well. But I have to second Kathryn’s positive reframing and add, although I’m sure it’s good to know for certain whether or not it was polyps, the bottom line is there was gunk in there, blocking essential holes, and now the gunk is gone, whatever it was, and the holes areunblocked, so that’s a good thing, right? Wow that sentence had a lot of commas! LOL. Remember what I’ve told you–that “light at the end of the tunnel” is there, you just need to focus on it. But for some reason, I get the impression you dont see it at all and I’m curious about that. Anyway, I am still praying you can find peace in all this. Xoxo

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

      I know that you are right and I really am trying to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Usually when I get down like this I need one day to dwell and obsess about it, then I’m ready to move on and be positive. I know tomorrow will be better πŸ™‚ xoxo

  11. drunnermom July 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    ugh. sorry that you didnt hear what you needed and wanted today. remember that you always have a say in “the plan” and dont forget to be your own advocate. as great as some re’s are, they tend to follow a pretty basic path for all women and I feel they sometimes get “stuck” on a certain game plan. with that being said, I am sure your insurance plays a part. I remember calling my insurance to see what was covered, and they gave me my “lifetime” amount- broke my heart. It scared the shit out of me and it put sooo much pressure on each cycle.
    hang in there and try to find some way today of finding some peace- however you can. have you tried the circle and bloom meditation cd? really really really helped me as well as some other fertitiy meditations (and trust me i never ever ever thought i would be the person who listened and benefitted from meditation). i would be happy to share if you are interested- just shoot me an email.

    and you are right- spell check still lives in the 1950’s πŸ™‚

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

      You are absolutely right about being my own advocate. I am planning to do my own research and see what I think the plan should be. After all, advocating for myself was how I got the hysteroscopy done in the first place. My RE never really pushed for it. Luckily she is pretty receptive to what I think. I would love to check out the fertility meditation. I will be emailing you!

  12. Jen July 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

    Agh, I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to NOT KNOW what the problem is. Rollercoaster indeed. And these blogger and wordpress spell checks can’t be trusted. I think mine thinks I’m British, as it’s always underlying words like “Favor” and suggesting I spell it “favour.”

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

      Haha, glad I’m not alone in my frustration with spell check!

  13. Kathryn July 19, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

    Oh lady. ((HUGS)). I am starting to think this whole fertility thing is a lie. Who are all these fertile people? How do babies really just happen? LIARS! ALL OF YOU!!!!!

    We do this session with our clients called “Problem Thinking.” They have lots of negative or inaccurate thoughts which end up leading them to drug use. So we try to help them really pay attention to their thoughts and reframe them to be helpful thoughts.
    When I read your post, my first thought was like wowza that’s a lot but then I also thought, COOL maybe this means she’ll be pregnant in less than 4 months!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s my positive reframe. That now you’re on the FAST track and happiness is soon to come your way. I’m sticking to it.

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

      That’s how I have to start thinking. Cool! Maybe I will be pregnant in 4 months. Worrying about it certainly isn’t going to change the outcome. If I get to that point I will just have to deal with it then. There is nothing present-Jenn can do make things easier on future-Jenn where all this is concerned. Sign me up for the fast track!

      • Kathryn July 19, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

        YEA! It’s going to be awesome!!!!!!!!! Just a few more months! πŸ™‚

  14. Detour July 19, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

    It really sucks that your biopsy results are adding confusion to your diagnosis. I hope that your uterus stays nice and comfy for your upcoming cycles (or hopefully you won’t even need them and this cycle will work). My RE believes 3 IUIs is enough, and yours saying 4 sounds like a nice conservative estimate to make sure you’ve covered all your bases.

    You have every reason to be pissed off, and especially when spellcheck calls you on the basic infertility words. I hate that, too!

    • Jenn July 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

      Glad I’m not alone. Stupid spell check!! Thanks for the positive encouragement–I need anywhere I can get it!


  1. It’s Like a Freaking Gumball Machine In There « The Future Fords - August 18, 2012

    […] can only imagine how upsetting this is to me. I believe that I mentioned before that my RE said we could only do 4 more medicated cycles and this was the first cycle on the ticking clock. That means that if this cycle is a bust then we […]

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