Becoming.

21 Aug

This is exactly what I needed to read today.

I think I am really struggling right now to see myself as more than the disease of infertility. Maybe that’s what this need for independence and the ability to enjoy my own company is really all about. Maybe this is why I am desiring to do new things that I never desired before. Maybe this is why my husband is afraid of losing me–because that old me is slowly fading and becoming someone neither of us recognizes: the childless mother. I consider myself a pretty self-analytical person and if I had to guess, I would say that I am desperately trying to separate myself from this disease. To learn that my whole identity isn’t wrapped up in being a mother…just in case that doesn’t happen. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.
I feel like I can handle the drugs, and treatments, the tests, the side effects, the endless amount of trying and crying. What I’m afraid I can’t handle is looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I don’t know if I have it in me to relearn who I am as a woman. My personal definition of “woman” involves the word “mother.” My definition of self starts and ends with the word “mother.”

So, I ask myself: who is Jenn? And more importantly, who will Jenn BECOME?

 

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8 Responses to “Becoming.”

  1. Emily @ablanket2keep August 22, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    Great post hon. Finding who you are through IF is so difficult. It changes you so much in all aspects of you. Hoping and praying you find you again and are comfortable and at peace with who you find.

  2. JustHeather August 22, 2012 at 2:36 am #

    I too have had this conversation and thought process with myself. It is a difficult one to have, but also a needed one. May you discover exactly who you are, no matter what happens in life.

  3. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown August 22, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    Sweet girl. You’ll evolve in a way that makes you stronger and more capable of handling life, whatever is thrown at you. No matter what happens. It’s hard being in the unknown zone.

  4. 35life August 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

    Completely understand. I’ve had so many of these moments. Things will get better, no matter what happens. That’s what we need to believe.

  5. laughingpromises August 21, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    Jenn, my heart breaks for you. I hope and pray that you can come to a peaceful place no matter what happens (and, of course, I’m praying that the happenings include a pregnancy for you…). I think our pain can sometimes define who we are, and we are healthiest when we can remember our pain with out letting it define us. It takes time, though.

  6. K.Smitty August 21, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    Great post. I know in my darker moments, I had to ask myself the same question and it was only when I found the answer that I found peace. Jenn, I hope you know how much you are on my heart and how much I hope that you get to where you need to be emotionally. Of course, I pray for your eggo to be preggo too, but I pray for your heart also 🙂 I really hope you get good news soon!

  7. Sunny August 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    I was having such a similar conversation yesterday, it’s eerie…I totally get where you’re coming from.

  8. amy August 21, 2012 at 11:44 am #

    I SO get this!! That is all 🙂

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