Where Is My Mind?

5 Sep

So….you’ve been wondering where I have scampered of to? Me too. If you know the answer please feel free to enlighten me. It seems I have lost my god-forsaken mind in the midst of an identity crisis of epic proportions. Lest you think that I am just being dramatic, consider the following:

-The word “separation” has been thrown around my marriage more than once in the past two weeks.

-Sometimes I find myself questioning if I even want kids anymore. <—– Who IS that girl?

So there. I told you the proportions are epic.

The thing of it is that I don’t want to talk about it. Not to my husband, my mom, my BFF, a therapist, or even you all. I just want to stew in my own sea of ambivalence, hunker down, and wait for the storm to pass.

I know I am being selfish and I know that I am hurting people. I’ve never been one to shut down in the face of adversity, but I am so completely overwhelmed that I really feel I have no other choice. This is seriously my attempt to keep from going off the deep end. My life’s greater purpose has always been to be a mother. As that possibility slips further and further from my grasp, I have developed a need to figure out a way to make myself happy living child-free. Possibly FOREVER.

So, to answer the questions that I posed in the title, that is where my mind is.

And yet, I have also decided to not give up the fight. Infertility might very well win in the end, but it sure as hell won’t be because I gave up. I will keep up with the drugs and ultrasounds for the next three months, but I will no longer get my hopes up. I am removing my emotions from the equation in an effort to preserve what is left of my ability to cope.

I think today is 11DPO. My last u/s I had one dominant follicle measuring at 22mm and my FH was high enough that I didn’t need the trigger shot. Just the facts. Not expecting anything to come of it.

I made an appointment at a different fertility clinic to get a second opinion. That’s on September 24th.

Now we wait.

Wait for me to get my head back in the game. Wait for a true diagnosis. Wait for a baby. Or wait for wherever life decides to lead us.


9 Responses to “Where Is My Mind?”

  1. Mrs. Wuestewald September 7, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

    I find myself in a similar sea!

  2. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown September 6, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

    Oh honey. Talk of separation breaks my heart. I hope you guys are able to weather this storm.

  3. EmHart September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    Hugs, just lots of big hugs. I am so sorry you are in this crap-hole of a place.

  4. Theresa September 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

    I’ve been trying to think of a good, helpful response to this but I have none. That whole situation sucks and I’m so sorry for all the crap you’re going through. I know you don’t feel like talking right now but if you change your mind please let me know. And I totally get wanting to take the emotions out of TTC – the rollercoaster ride is exhausting.

  5. Lisa @ hapahopes September 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

    Oh sweet Jenn. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you that could make the pain and numbness go away. Do whatever you need, feel no guilt, and we’re here if you need us.

  6. K.Smitty September 5, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

    Ugh. I’m so sorry to hear that things are still in limbo and all over the place. You certainly don’t have to talk about it to anyone if you don’t want to. Sometimes the way I get over things the best is to have that time to myself to sit and stew in (and ponder about) my feelings and what it all means. But if you do wanna talk, or e-mail, I’m here!

    Thinking of you

  7. robin September 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    Do what you need to do to protect your sanity. πŸ™‚

  8. Shelley September 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    Hugs. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hang on tight and do whatever you need to survive. I’ll be thinking of you and I’m always around to chat if you need… you have my personal email address.

  9. storkchaser September 5, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and having such a rough time. You are completely allowed to keep your feelings to yourself…for now. πŸ˜‰ You know everyone loves you and we are here for you, even if that means giving you your space. I’m so glad you’re not willing to give up and I understand wanting to take the emotions out of this. Numb is definitely more appealing than falling to pieces every month… I’m here if you need anything!!!

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