Today Is Not A Good Day

17 Oct

You guys. Today is not a good day. I just can’t stop crying.

I had my CD 11 ultrasound this morning. I have a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my left ovary and a 19mm and 12mm follicle on my right ovary. I had blood work done to check my LH level to see if I will surge on my own. I already know I won’t because I never do on Clomid, so I will be going back bright and early tomorrow for another ultrasound and probably trigger with the HCG shot tomorrow afternoon. In the bathroom. At work…. All of which will equal an IUI on Saturday.

Sounds like good news, right? And it is exactly what I wanted–4 follicles, although only two will be mature enough to ovulate. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that my body is responding as it should. So why am I tearing up as I write this? That’s a very good question, ladies. Glad you asked.

Most likely it has to do with the Clomid. This is my fourth medicated cycle using Clomid and typically I never experience any side effects. This month, however, is SO different. I had migraine-style headaches that lasted days. My face and chest are broken out in all these tiny red bumps. I never break out and now I am terrified that my skin is going to be like this forever. Well, let me qualify that–I do break out from time to time, but never in such quantity. There are probably about 50 zits on my face. My husband says they aren’t noticeable, but I see them every time I look in the mirror.

And the mood swings…Oh the Mood Swings. I have been straight up bitchy all week and I refuse to make apologies for it. That’s how I know it’s bad. I am more than aware that I am being unreasonable and I just don’t effing care. Then today came the waterworks. I barely made it out of my RE’s office before the tears started pouring down my face. I called my husband and cried to him for a bit. Then I called my Mom and cried to her for even longer.

You see, my actual RE was the one who did my ultrasound this morning and afterward she told me that I needed to make an appointment to sit down with her and discuss our plan again because obviously this isn’t working. It’s been almost a year, I’ve done 5 medicated cycles, and I’m still not pregnant. She said “we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it happens this month.” I know exactly what that means. This is doctor speak for we seriously need to consider IVF.

But I’m not ready. Neither financially nor emotionally. But especially not financially. How the hell does one pull $15k out of thin air?

I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I am becoming ambivalent towards this whole process and I can no longer see it as a means to an end. To be honest, some days I feel so unattached from my desire to be a mother that I totally forget why I am doing this in the first place. I guess that’s denial. Then there are days where it consumes my every thought and I am overly emotional at the idea that this might just never happen for me. Most days I attempt to avoid triggers in any direction so as to fool myself into believing that I am blissfully happy with the current state of my affairs. Maybe that’s actually denial?

Either way, I’m a damn mess. I’m scared. Anxious. Guilt-ridden. And so many other emotions that I didn’t even have names for.

Infertility effs with EVERYTHING! My complexion, my weight, and my emotions are just the beginning. Never mind how I see my relationships with my dearest friends changing right before my eyes. I know it isn’t due to anything that either of us is doing wrong, it’s just the way life works. We have different lifestyles and different priorities these days. Why would I even want to be invited to a play date anyway? I don’t! In fact, I can’t imagine anything more traumatic for me at this point. Yet, somehow that doesn’t erase the feelings of feeling excluded.

Then there is my marriage. I’m telling you, nothing is safe from the reach of infertility. There was a time not too long ago when I wrote about how infertility was bringing my husband and I closer together. That since we were the only people on whole, wide world who knew what it felt like to be us, our bond was further cemented in that unfortunate reality. However, I fear that is no longer the case. These days we barely talk about it. We face scheduled sex like homework. In fact, that’s how my RE actually refers to it. I know we could do better, we could try harder. But I really think neither of us has much fight left in us for that. Then there is the fact that this is my problem. He could go on and probably have 15 children with any fertile woman of his choosing. Logically I know this is backwards thinking. He has told me as much: I don’t get to make that decision for him. But, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a small part of me that considers letting him go for this reason. I just know how devastated I would be (and am) at the prospect of facing a future without my own biological children. This decision would probably kill me, but I see it as a gift I could give to him. Perhaps the most selfless thing I could ever do in my life. I hope it never has to come to that point, but these are thoughts that keep my up and night and in tears all day.

I’m just all over the place and I know even more difficult decisions will need to be made. And soon.

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18 Responses to “Today Is Not A Good Day”

  1. No Baby Ruth October 18, 2012 at 3:31 am #

    I know you’re feeling much better now, but I still wanted to click over to comment. The hormones are a bitch. Sometimes I think it’s best to just go with the flow and let it be a shitty day. Holding it together just adds more stress to the whole deal and you’re ALLOWED to freak out, you know?

    The idea of IVF is heavy. Our RE sprung it on us, as well, prior to IUI#3. But remember, if it comes to that, for starters it’s just a discussion. You aren’t at a point where it’s “IVF or else.” You get to have your input and can weigh the pros and cons.

    But, surely it won’t come to that. 4 follies (and, yes, I do think 4 are a distinct possibility) is GREAT. And the timing is perfect. Don’t think too far beyond this cycle just yet…

  2. kateetaylor October 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm #

    Hormones make me crazy nearly every day of the month. So, as incredibly selfish as it seems… try to console yourself by crying at someone who is worse off than you. A movie. I suggest Ghost. have a huge cry, and come out of it feeling loads better. Though this twill of course make your face emporarily much much worse with red blotchy eyes and a running nose. You win some, you lose some. Hope you feel better soon dude.

  3. Shelley October 17, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

    I know I’m late to the party and you’re feeling better now, but I’m so sorry you had a rough day! IUIs are so tough, almost as rigorous as a fresh IVF cycle. They really take their toll and you’ve already done so many. I understand where your RE is coming from but at the same time, I’m really hopeful that THIS CYCLE right here is your magic cycle. Hang in there friend. I’m keeping everything crossed for you!!

  4. drunnermom October 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

    i called clomid “the devil”. you are so not alone in the emotional and physical fallout to not only the medication but the world of infertility. hugs from here and just so glad that you are able to get these feelings out so that they dont fester and cause damage. deep breaths 🙂

  5. steph50 October 17, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day… Infertility is hard and hormones don’t make it any easier! Be good to yourself, you deserve it!

  6. Theresa October 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    Sheesh -I’m glad your doc is ready with a plan but he could have at least waited to spring it on you. For now just take one day at a time, and cross the IVF bridge if you get there. I totally get how big of an issue the money is, but the procedure itself is not nearly as scary as I feared. Hugs.

  7. futuresoccermom October 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    I am so sorry you’ve been going through this hard time. I am telling you though, it is the damn clomid!! It messed me up the same way it has you. Depression and doubt, magnified. Just know this isn’t really who you are and it won’t last! Hang in there!

  8. Vanessa October 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    I think the worst part of this is the fact that your RE basically gave up on you before this cycle was even finished… I felt that way when I had an IUI and my hubby’s sample was weirdly horrible, and the doctor said, “Well, I’m going to inject this because it’s here and ready, but…” Really made me bawl. But I think what everyone is saying here is true — your feelings are normal, so let yourself experience all of them. Then, when the Clomid has made its exit, regroup, form a plan (whatever that may be), and move forward. I’ve just been told after five failed IUIs that we’re going to have to do IVF, too… it’s terrifying, but not as terrifying as the thought of continuing on this path of failures. Hang in there!

  9. nonsequiturchica October 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    I’m sorry that you are having a tough day. It is most likely the Clomid, but try to look on the bright side of life (at least as much as you can)- you have an IUI coming up and have two follicles- that’s great news!!

    You will cross the IVF bridge if and when you need to. Don’t forget that there are IVF abroad possibilities (less expensive AND you get a vacation) and there are programs to help defray medication costs.

    Maybe you could try to do a little relaxation/meditation tonight? THere are tons of free Podcasts and after reading the book “Conquering Infertility” the author claims that meditation is fantastic for us infertiles. I have certainly been enjoying it.

  10. Detour October 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

    I’m so sorry about the sucktasticness. I haven’t taken Clomid, but it sounds par for the course for it….I’ve heard awful things, like you turn into Natalie Portman’s character in Black Swan.

    I hate that you’re having to think of next steps. Hope that you won’t need anything else. 🙂

    • EmHart October 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

      Black Swan, yes that is exactly what happened to me on clomid. It is horrible stuff.

      I am so sorry you are feeling this way Jenn. I am thinking of you.

  11. expecting to be expecting October 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Wow, you’re going through so much. It’s a lot and it’s a new milestone to move from iui to ivf, so be gentle with yourself as you consider it. We took out a loan, btw.

    As I was reading your post I was nodding the whole time, I forget why I’m doing this too sometimes. I’ll be in the middle of some new tomfoolery of IF and think: wtf, why am I doing all o f this (example, currently typing this from dr waiting room, missing yet MORE work) and honestly there are times when it doesn’t seem worth it. It’s good to be able to admit that.

    Thoughts to you and DH, the scheduled sex sucks.

  12. Stupid Stork October 17, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

    Oh, my love… I’m wishing you a much, much better day. Going to write you a little novel here, my apologies..

    The hormones and breaking out and general craziness are totally normal with clomid (if anything let’s interpret this as a good sign). Even when it seems like it will never go away ever, it will – I promise, promise, promise.

    I’m in full approval of the usual numbness. I’m fairly numb most of the time, it’s just your way of dealing with it because you know full well there are going to be days when you can’t be numb.

    Okay so the IVF stuff.

    First, let’s try and shelve it if we can because you’re going to do IUI and it could WORK. I’d say the fact that you’re feeling a little nuts is a totally positive sign.

    If they do suggest IVF – as far as finances go, there are some places (like where I go) where if you pay out of pocket, they give you a discount. It’s still big and scary, but not as.

    I think there are also a lot of opportunities for people who are doing IVF for the first time to get involved with research – also cheaper.

    And I promise, promise promise, even though if that’s what they say your next step is it’s going to feel like you’ve been shot for awhile – it is NOT as bad as you’re thinking it is. Honestly. I would rather do an IVF cycle 100 times for fun than I would live in my head before I had the IVF.

    And for me at least, it’s oddly… liberating. Knowing there’s going to be one month in the future where you’re doing IVF and going to go at it full force sucks on a lot of levels and it’s not ideal, it becomes LIBERATING eventually.. If only because the worst part of TTC hands down is the getting crushed every month, having sex be a chore, and worrying about it constantly – and that’s all totally removed. There are upsides.

    Anyhoo – sorry I wrote a novel. Just wishing you a much, much better day and some coooool relaxation. Smooooch.

  13. KelBel October 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    Sending you lots of hugs.

  14. Sunny October 17, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    So so very sorry that you’re going through all of this crap, and I’m so there with you on the frustrations. Infertility has sucked the life out of so many things, my sex life being one of them…I have been getting so terrified lately that the longer we go, the more forced our sex life is going to get. There’s no getting around how damnned depressing that is. Here’s the positive news (and I’m on 100mg of Clomid right now, so you know this positivity is LEGIT, yo!) You have 2 mature follicles. You’ve gone through your round of antibiotics (the first round of trying since you took them, right??) You guys are going to give it your all to catch that egg this month, and I feel very positive for you. If not this month, I would keep trying another few months since you’ve taken those antibiotics. I have very good feelings about your path.

  15. Belle October 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

    Oh sweetie, I’m so, so, so sorry you are facing the “what to do next” discussion. I have not read a single blogger who said this was easy. I have not met a single blogger who said infertility did strain his or her relationship. Hell, I have said all the things you say and still say them. I promise this is all normal. Take your bad days as they come and treat them like therapy – a chance to explore the negative feelings and allow them to eb and flow. Take the good days are little gifts. In time you will find your way and I am absolutely certain that you will find your place and your baby. I’m here if you need anything. (((really big hugs)))

    (as for your face, try a honey and strawberry scrub. sounds super weird I know, but it always helps mine. A few past-their-prime berries mashed up with honey. massage your face with it for about a minute and then rinse and follow with a mild cleanser. The honey REALLY helps.)

  16. Kathryn October 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    Jen, my heart is very heavy for you. You have been going through SO much, it makes total sense (even without side effects of meds) that you would need an emotional release. You are exhausted in every meaning of the word. Sending you warm hugs.

  17. storkchaser October 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

    Oh sweetie I know exactly how you feel! Give me a call if you wanna chat, yell or cry. Love you and sending you hugs from across the country. I hope writing this helped a little. Xoxo

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