It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over. (But It Might Be Over)

13 Nov

The last 24 hours of my life have been filled with so much drama, so many ups and down, that I’m not quite sure where I stand anymore. Let me fill you in….

Around 3:00 yesterday afternoon I started spotting bright red blood and having severe back pain along with intense pain that was concentrated right around my left ovary. I called my RE’s office and the nurse told me just to come in the following morning for ultrasound. She didn’t seem concerned at all. Then I called my BFF (who has suffered through 2 miscarriages) and she told me to go straight to the emergency room. By 4:00 my husband and I were sitting in triage at the local e.r.

After many hours, many blood draws, an ultrasound, and many exams later the doctor told me that I was having a threatened abortion, also known as a miscarriage. Then I finally got to see the GYN on call who coincidentally had worked closely with my RE in the past and was very familiar with infertility treatment. She feels that I am most likely experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, but no one wanted to commit 100% to that diagnosis because they also took my beta and it is still rising and doubling appropriately. The u/s did not see a sac in the uterus, but I’m only 5 weeks 1 day and my beta isn’t high enough to see anything yet anyway. They did see some “suspicious tissue” in my left tube, which is where I was having the pain, but it can’t be confirmed that it’s the embryo.

They decided to call my RE. They were able to reach her at  home and she insisted on talking to me on the phone since she doesn’t have privileges at this specific hospital. She explained my options to me:

1. Accept that this is an ectopic pregnancy and take the injection to terminate.

2. Wait 48 more hours to see if my beta still goes up and they can actually see something on the u/s. Should the pain or the bleeding get worse then I would call 911 and be rushed to emergency surgery wherein they would most likely have to take my whole left tube if the ectopic pregnancy ruptured.

I went with option 2. After 7 hours, we finally headed home around 11pm scared and emotionally exhausted.

I’m on bed rest until my next u/s so today I awoke to a phone call from my RE who had a chance to get into the office and look over the paperwork that the hospital sent over along with the history of this past cycle. She noted that my progesterone is very high which would not be the case if this were a tubal pregnancy. That combined with the fact that my HCG is still rising and I actually had two follicles on the left side indicated to her that it’s likely the pain I was feeling (and what they saw on the u/s) was the other follicle that never matured. She said that she won’t make any promises, but there is still a chance that this pregnancy is totally fine. I go in tomorrow morning at 7:30 to more blood work and an ultrasound at which point we will hopefully have a better idea as to what the eff is going on in there. For now, the pain has totally subsided and the spotting is very minimal.

Now a few thoughts:

1. I love my RE. It was so easy for the hospital to reach her last night and she even took the phone call at home. She gave me her personal cell phone number with instructions to call or text if anything changed. She obviously came right into the office this morning with me on her mind, consulted with her colleagues, and called me to check on me. It feels personal and I feel so cared for. I really couldn’t be happier with the treatment I receive at this clinic.

2. Last night was so hard emotionally. I had to explain the story so many times to so many different people and each time that story started with “I’m 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.” Saying it aloud over and over again made it so real. All I could think was that after two years I had finally arrived. Yet, after all I had been through, it was over almost as fast as it had happened. But the hardest part of last night, by far, was watching the tears stream down my husband’s face. He’s just not a crier and to see his eyes welling up and spilling over nearly broke me. And I know it broke him. As he cried, I could hear the anger in his voice: “It’s too much.” “There are too many highs and lows.” “This isn’t fair.” “My heart hurts for you.” I never want to see his face like that again.

So, that’s where we stand. Pretty much nowhere. And I won’t know anything more for about 24 more hours. Happy thoughts and positive vibes would be much appreciated.

xoxo

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50 Responses to “It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over. (But It Might Be Over)”

  1. Love you! November 15, 2012 at 3:06 am #

    Hello Girls
    I made her this website as an online fundraiser for all of us to come together and help her finally end this long road of disappointment and finally concieve her Miracle Baby through IVF 🙂
    http://www.gofundme.com/1iqzxg
    I hope you do not mind me putting this on here. I thought this would be really helpful if we all came together and helped you out to move forward in the process of Making Your Miracle ❤ We love you and your soon to be baby bump!

  2. Roxxroxx November 14, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    Checking regularly on you for some news. Still hoping and praying for you guys.
    x

  3. Amanda November 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

    I am so very sorry to hear such sad news. Sending you much love.

  4. Tami November 14, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

    I’m here from Ms. Stork’s blog. It’s clear she loves you very much. My heart has shrunken to a tiny pulp upon hearing your news. I knew healing is far from your mind now, but I do hope it comes quickly. xo

  5. hazel November 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    Coming over from Stork’s post. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such shit that this had to happen to you after all that you’ve been through. Sending you love and hugs.

  6. Sunny November 14, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    Jenn, there are no words. Stork and I are completely serious about going Harriet Tubman on your ass, and getting you to LA for some R&R when you’re ready. I’m heartbroken for you. Hope you are well, love.

  7. KelBel November 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Just saw Stupid Stork’s post. Jenn, I am so very sorry. Please know you are in my thoughts. Sending lots of love your way. *hugs*

  8. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse November 14, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    Coming over from Stupid Stork’s call to arms. I’m so, so sorry for your loss – it’s devastating, I know. Sending you strength and grace as you move through this terribly painful time.

  9. Alie November 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way! I hope this scare is just a tiny hiccup and that the rest of your pregnancy is happy, healthy, and easy!

  10. Sunshine November 14, 2012 at 11:59 am #

    Oh you poor dear and your poor husband. It is too much. This scary not knowing is too much. I am sending you all my love and hope and wishes that you get good news today.

  11. YeahScience! November 14, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    Oh crap… this is scary/horrible. I’m just “meeting” you now, through Stork’s blog, and at such a terrible time… but I agree with the first commenter here — I also know someone who was told she had an ectopic, then waited, and it appeared in her uterus. You need to clearly SEE an ectopic IN THE TUBE in order to do anything about it (I speak from experience, having had one at 5.5 weeks). With my ectopic, my betas were also doubling perfectly, so I wouldn’t go by that alone… but definitely don’t take any methotrexate until it’s confirmed. Hopefully it won’t be — the lack of spotting/cramping today is really a great sign, and you’ve gotta cling on to these little positives! Hang in there!

  12. JustHeather November 14, 2012 at 8:05 am #

    Thinking many positive thoughts for you!

    My very good friend went through something sort of like what you are going through. Intense pain and some bleeding. The doctor gave her the prescription twice to terminate her pregnancy saying it was an ectopic, as they couldn’t see anything in the uterus. My friend just couldn’t believe it was ectopic and she waited. Eventually they saw the embryo in the right place. It was finally told that she ovulated so hard, that it bruised her internally. Her entire pregnancy was, but she went on to have a healthy baby girl.
    It can work out!

    May this only be a scare and everything is ok. *hugs*

  13. jo November 14, 2012 at 7:52 am #

    i’ll be praying for you and baby bean

  14. alloallo November 14, 2012 at 5:08 am #

    oh it isn’t fair at all! But hoping everything works out okay for you guys. Huge good luck.

  15. immotileturtle November 14, 2012 at 3:30 am #

    Just popping by with some positive thoughts from StupidStork’s blog. This is a horrible situation to be in and I truly hope that the baby sticks. X

  16. Roxxroxx November 14, 2012 at 12:24 am #

    Thinking of you. Really hope you get the news you are hoping for. What an emotional roller coaster this all is. We do all understand, whether or not we are still waiting and praying for our own good news. Lots of love winging its way from Thailand.

  17. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown November 13, 2012 at 11:50 pm #

    Cheese and rice, girl. You need to write a book about all of this. Or at least combine your blog posts. I’m absolutely sending good juju to your wee fetus.

  18. steph50 November 13, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    I’ll be thinking about you and sending good vibes your way! I really hope everything is ok! xox

  19. Mrs. Wuestewald November 13, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

    Sending you good vibes, from California! Hope only good things for you tomorrow.

  20. Kelly November 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Since the first words that came to mind here were curse words, (and I’m trying to quit) I will refrain from saying how I really feel. But I hope you know I’ve been praying for you daily and will continue to! I hope you get some good news soon! ***Hugs***

  21. drunnermom November 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I too hate you are in the situation- hang in there.

  22. laughingpromises November 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    Definitely praying for you, hubby, and baby! I’m glad your RE is hopeful…and if you’re feeling better and the spotting has subsided, that’s a good sign.

  23. veetamia November 13, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    Sending love and prayers. I hope hope hope it’s there to stay and it’s not an ectopic pregnancy. Keep us posted! Hugs

  24. EmHart November 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    Lady, oh my dear lovely Jenn, all my thoughts and hopes. I am so sorry you have had such a horribly scary day. I truly hope the worst is over and there is good news waiting for you tomorrow.

    • EmHart November 14, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

      My heart is aching for you. Jenny updated us. I am so desperately sorry my dear friend. From the bottom of my heart.

  25. stupidstork November 13, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

    OMG.. Jenn, Jenn, Jenn…I’m hoping and praying and thinking super positive thoughts. It aint over, lady, it aint over.

  26. robin November 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Nonononono 😦 I am hoping for you and sending every good thought I can your way!!!!!

  27. bethanykenyon November 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    Sending you so many positive vibes. I also think you made the right choice in waiting!!

  28. Seagull November 13, 2012 at 1:35 pm #

    SEnding you much love and happy vibes. I can’t imagine the pain and fear. I am so glad you went with option 2 and got a hold of your RE!!

  29. Pcosbarrenness November 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

    Ugh..keeping you in my thoughts… Good luck!

  30. The Benda Family November 13, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    >< %#P*@(Y Everything is going to be okay, honey. Hang in there. Thinking of you!! <3<3<3

  31. 35life November 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

    I am thinking of you. So sorry you are going through this, it really isn’t fair. Your RE is a saint and amazing!

  32. nonsequiturchica November 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    You are absolutely in my thoughts right now. I’m hoping that your RE is right!!!

  33. SM November 13, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

    Positive vibes from here too! Hugs and love!

  34. Shelley November 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I’m so sorry for all of this uncertainty. Hoping with all my might that everything is just fine after all! In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get by. Hug that sweet hubby of yours.

  35. slese1014 November 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    Oh Sweetie…I am so sorry you are going through this. Seeing those words, “threatened abortion,” is freaking scary as shit. After going through that myself, I can only imagine what you are feeling. Reading this brought up my feelings and I was tearing up for you. I will hold you and your little baby in my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you and sending you hugs and love….

  36. Jen November 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    What a rollercoaster! I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Hang in there. I’m thinking about you and sending big hugs to you and your husband and of course the baby hanging on inside! I’m rooting for you!

  37. Amanda November 13, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Hang in there Jenn! I know exactly what you’re feeling and the unknown and the waiting is the hardest part. Mine obviously ended badly, but that doesn’t mean yours will. Glad you are receiving great care through this. Your RE sounds amazing! Sending lots of hugs and hope!

  38. Arwen Rose November 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

    Oh honey I am so sorry. Millions of positive vibes coming your way all the way across the pond. I am thinking of you.

  39. Amanda November 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    Extra positive thoughts and even more prayers than normal for you coming from me! ((hugs))

  40. auntmimi November 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    What an ordeal. The madness seems to never end in IF land. I am hoping for all the best for you!

  41. Kristin November 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    You have all of my happy thoughts and good vibes. They are all heading to Baltimore. ASAP. Be well, friend.

  42. JB November 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this limbo. So many of us have been there. I think you made the right choice. Sending positive thoughts your way. Try to keep your chin up.

  43. Detour November 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    OMG, Jenn. I can’t stand that you’re having to go through this. I’m so encouraged by your RE’s assessment that it’s just the other follicle and hope against hope that she’s correct. I’m sending many healthy vibes your way.

  44. KelBel November 13, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    Sending you TX-sized hugs and as many positive thoughts as I can. I am so glad that you have such a great RE! Hoping for the very best for you.

  45. Fertility Doll November 13, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    Dear Universe (God included), Please keep Jenn and the lil baby inside her safe and well. Please let the extra tissue in the tube disappear and not impact the pregnancy. Yours Sincerely, Mina x

  46. Theresa November 13, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    Oh wow. I am so glad your RE took the time to look at the paperwork and explain the progesterone not being what you would normally see with an ectopic.
    I am hoping so hard for you – your husband is right though, this shit just isn’t fair.

  47. Sunny November 13, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    Oh sweet Jenn… I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It just isn’t freaking fair. It sounds like you have a fantastic RE and that you are in great hands. It sounds like there is still a lot to be hopeful about. I will be thinking about you and baby and the Mr.

  48. Kathryn November 13, 2012 at 11:44 am #

    You are ABSOLUTELY (and have been every day ) in my thoughts. I hope with all I have that tomorrow you get good news. I hate that you are going through this right now. Serious hugs from Texas.

  49. Jenny November 13, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    Lots of happy thoughts and positive vibes coming your way. I’m hoping for the best for you and baby. *hugs*

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