The End

14 Nov

As I sit here and write this, tears stream down my face. There has been a lot of that today. However, some of those tears are reserved for the overwhelming gratitude that I feel toward all of you who have shown nothing but support in both my time of immense joy and in my time of great sorrow. I truly feel the love emanating from every comment, email, text, and phone call that I have received today. And I have never been more happy or proud to be part of such an amazing community of women who stand together in the face of tragedy. Unfortunately, that tragedy is one we experience all too often as a community. To truly be able to empathize with another person whom you’ve never actually met is a rare and precious gift that few ever get to experience and I am lucky enough to have been touched by each and every one of you. And not just today, but every day.

When I first announced my pregnancy it was with great trepidation because I have been on your side many, many times. I know how hard it can be to read about another’s success when you are still in the trenches yourself. I know this because I have been there. You know this because you have been there. And this will forever unite us in a way that I would never wish on my worst enemy. The bittersweet camaraderie that I have established in this corner of the internet has changed me so much for the better and for that I will never be ungrateful.

Thank You.

Intermixed with my longing for yesterday (when everything was ok) is an overabundance of thankfulness for the amazing people that I am privileged to call friends and family. When we first broke the news of our pregnancy, some wondered why we would tell people so early. But I knew it was the right choice. Today, my feelings were validated tenfold by the outpouring of support and love that we have felt coming from every direction. Most of the time people don’t know what to say. I’m sorry? Is there anything I can do to help? I love you? And that, right there, those words, are all I ever needed to hear. To know that I am loved and supported. That we can just sit and cry and BE SAD together is more than enough for me. The intimacy of such a shared moment speaks volumes straight from the heart, so much more than words ever could. Language is limited in its ability to communicate feeling, emotion, empathy, and genuine concern, but actions are not. A hug and recognition of this struggle go so much further than a bottle of tequila ever could. Simply acknowledging my pain means more than a contrived explanation ever will.

I am so fortunate to have an abundance of people in my life who truly get this. And I heard from each and every one of them today. I don’t know how I could ever repay them for their compassion and tenderness. But, I guess that’s the beautiful part of true love–whether it be between parents, friends, or lovers–there is no need for compensation. The more love you give, the more you will receive. It’s very definition ensures that it will continue to multiply when given freely.

Then there is the man who stood by my side through all of this. The only person who could really ever come close to understanding my pain because this baby was also his. We were together for both conception and termination. No matter where life takes us from here, both of these actions can never be undone. Today he cried when I was too numb to do so. Today he let the sadness hang in the air and gave it the space that it deserved. Today he acknowledged what I have always known to be true: nothing in life is fair. And today he held my hand even when it was hard for him to do so. He let me feel everything that  I needed to feel and then he felt it right along side me. My partner in both love and loss, my strength in both light and darkness.

I suffered an insurmountable loss today. For 13 days I knew I was pregnant. I spent that previous 13 days falling more and more in love by the second with the life that was finally growing inside of me. Falling in love with the chance to hope and dream for the very thing that I was beginning to doubt would ever be mine. But alas, it was. It is. It will always be mine for however short I had it in my possession. Life has taught me that most things are fleeting and to hope for anything more is a futile endeavor. But this felt different. This felt like it was finally mine, to have forever. It felt like my chance. But I was wrong.

Some want to blame God. He would never give me more than I could handle and clearly I wasn’t ready to handle this. He has other, bigger and better, plans for me. Some want to blame science. I had no business messing with drugs and procedures that forced my body to do things that it would never do naturally. These are the risks that I signed up for and while the odds are always slim, there has to be an exception to every rule. Me and my baby are that exception.

But the truth of the matter is that there is no explanation. There is no reason why I am that 1% whose pregnancy is ectopic. There is no rhyme to the fact that I have been trying my damnedest to conceive for two years and that this is how the tragedy has unfolded. It’s just chance and luck, neither of which has ever been on my side.

I find myself wondering how it’s even possible to already miss something (someone?) that I knew for such a short period of time. How one can possibly become so attached to something (someone?) so intangible. I think it’s because I already knew her before she was even conceived. I have dreamed and fantasized and created her in my mind so long ago that it was really only a matter of time before my body caught up with my fantasy. When my body finally welcomed her into existence it was as if my mind could breathe of sigh of relief that she had finally found her home.

Tonight my home feels vacant and hollow. Her presence, one that was already so abstract, now feels like a ghost that will forever haunt my memory. My sweet love. The only child I have ever known.

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52 Responses to “The End”

  1. No Baby Ruth December 5, 2012 at 10:12 am #

    I know I am incredibly late but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I hope that time is helping you heal and I am sending you healing and positive thoughts. Hugs.

  2. pepibebe November 26, 2012 at 3:39 am #

    Hi there, I’m visiting from ICLW and saw a post about your loss on stupid storks blog.
    I’m so very sorry that this has happened. As someone who has experienced two MC’s I have an idea of how devastating this is. With my second MC my midwife sent me the following quote in a text: ‘Your pain is the cracking open of the seed that contains your larger self.’ It struck a chord with me.
    Keep breathing, forgive your body and love your wonderful sounding partner.
    Kia kaha- be strong.
    pepibebe.

  3. Good Egg Hatched November 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    Here from LFCA. Just to tell you that I’m sorry. That I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better. That I’ve been on the wrong side of the odds too — including an ectopic earlier this year — and it sucks and it’s not fair and it feels like a big dark cloud is maybe following you around. But I think you can cling to these odds: the real data out there showing that if you are able to get pregnant, as this pregnancy proves you are, you’re in the best possible position for the future. I know it’s little consolation now and doesn’t take away this loss. But I promise that with time, you will feel hope again. Guaranteed. For now, grieve as much as you need to, take good care and surround yourself with the people and things you love most.

  4. LisaB November 18, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    I’m so very sorry xoxo

  5. Emily@ ablanket2keep November 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    I am so sorry Jenn. Sending you big Hugz and wanted to apologize for being MIA for so long. I am back catching up and am here to stay. I am here for anything if you need me.

  6. A Sweet Life November 15, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    Im so sorry you have to go through this. Many prayers headed your way. My heart hurts for you.

  7. Jennifer November 15, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    Ugh, I am so very sorry. 😦

  8. robin November 15, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    So so sorry to read that this is the conclusion 😦 😦 I was still holding out hope that you had an exception somehow. Hugs ❤

  9. Amanda (http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com/) November 15, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss, Jenn.

  10. Seagull November 15, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

    I am so beyond sorry for your loss. sending you lots of love

  11. steph50 November 15, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss… Sending lots of love and hugs your way. xox

  12. TheStorkWhisperer November 15, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    It’s not fair that you lost your miracle. It’s not fair that it was ectopic and it’s not fair that you waited so long for this. You are right; there are no absolutely no explanations, no rhyme, no reason.

    I know you loved your baby,even before she was conceived and that’s what makes this so difficult. I am so sorry this was taken from you and my prayers are with you.

  13. Amanda November 15, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    This is so unfair. So, so, so unfair. I’m so sorry Jenn! Please know that those of us in the trenches of infertility grieve with you. You are not alone no matter how your heart may feel right now. Praying for you and your husband in the days ahead!

  14. Mrs. Wuestewald November 15, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    So sorry for you and your husband, my heart goes out to you.

  15. Toni November 15, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

    I wanted to stop by and say how sorry I am that this happened. I had an ectopic pregnancy back in September from our second ivf. It really hurt knowing that I was pregnant then knowing it was taken away.

  16. Bear November 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    This sucks. I hate that you’re having to go through this.

  17. babydream0801 November 15, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I came across your blog through bickerstaffblog. Ectopic pregnancy is very difficult to deal with and it is very hard to realize that we become one of those 2% cases. I suffered through an ectopic pregnancy 2 and half years back . I had a surgery (salpingostomy) to remove the pregnancy as I was about 7 weeks pregnant and my left tube was completely blocked due to scar tissue after the surgery.
    None of my words are going to console you at this time but please feel free to go through my blog if you need any details. I worked with an amazing RE who helped us get pregnant later on. It requires immense patience to go through this. I completely lost hope when going through this journey but miracles do happen. I am sure you are very strong and I am very hopeful for you. Sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way…

  18. Ms. Future PharmD November 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Hugs. Ask for help, ignore those who are unhelpful, and remember we’re here for you (even random lurkers who have never commented here before) and we hold you all in our hearts and our hopes.

  19. stupidstork November 15, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    Love you.

  20. Theresa November 15, 2012 at 11:22 am #

    Oh Jen, I am so incredibly sorry. To have to suffer that kind of loss and pain is incredibly unfair and no one should have to do it. I just….it….sucks.

  21. nonsequiturchica November 15, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    I don’t have any words to make you feel better, but please know that I am thinking of you and your husband. Please know that we are all here for you!!

  22. bethanykenyon November 15, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    I am so sorry. Words can not express how sorry I am for your pain. A friend once told me after my second miscarriage (she herself suffered three) that our losses our babies, they find their way back to us. I believe this with all of me. This helped me, and I hope it can help you too. I wish I could take your pain away. It is unjust and unfair. I am so sorry.

  23. amy November 15, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    Jenn…what a beautiful post, of course I cried! I have to say that when I saw your last post, I closed it right away…I needed strength to read it (sounds totally selfish, this I know). I went back again, again closed it out (how selfish am I really??). I finally read it with a heavy heart, but at the same time, felt hopeful…but I couldn’t comment (ok, now I am over the top selfish, I know). I was so nervous for you, I couldn’t find the right words. I prayed, and prayed some more. I know you are on the fence about God, but for whatever it’s worth, He’s on our side and He does want to see us thrive and have every one of our hearts desires fulfilled…but it’s in His timing. Jenn, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss, words aren’t enough, they just aren’t. I’m glad you got to experience pregnancy, however shortlived it was. I know in times like these, we just want people to say “it’s not fair” or “this really sucks”…both of which I agree 150% with! But, I’m here to tell you that I think it’s amazing that you got pregnant!! That’s a feat that a lot of us can’t do with or without major intervention. There is soooo much hope Jenn that you will get pregnant again and have your takehome baby 🙂 I hope you believe that!! So, take however much time you need…throw yourself the biggest pity party, we are here for you! But then get re-focused on your dream Jenn! If I can do anything at all, please let me know!!!! xoxoxo

  24. babylopez8410 November 15, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. Wish I had something more uplifting to say. 😦 Thinking of you

  25. Sunshine November 15, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    I am crying with you. We are all here. You wrote so beautifully about all the love that is coming to you out of this tragedy. You are a wonderful mom and a strong woman.

  26. Amanda November 15, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    I’m so very sorry, Jenn.

  27. Christina @ According To C November 15, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Losing a baby, regardless of when, is a tragedy I wish no one ever had to experience. I know exactly how you’re feeling. I had the same two weeks of knowing before We lost our baby last year. They were the most bittersweet weeks of my life.
    Everyone handles grief differently but I know for me, it helped to talk about it and to let myself feel sad. Cry when you need to cry. Be angry when you need to be angry. People will try and help you put it in perspective but the reality is that it just sucks. It completely and utterly sucks and doesn’t make sense. But I promise the pain and confusion will lessen. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it will. It will never go away completely, but it will lessen and be manageable. You will move forward, because you are a strong woman with a huge support system. Just Take the time you need to grieve. There is no time limit on this.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.
    Xoxoxo

  28. Lauren Ray November 15, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    I stumbled upon your blog, and just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of hugs.

  29. Shelley November 15, 2012 at 9:17 am #

    So very sorry for this terrible loss, Jenn. I’ll be thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.

  30. Jen November 15, 2012 at 8:45 am #

    Jenn, I am so sorry. 13 days is plenty enough time to fall head over heels in love and then to have it taken from you so quickly… it’s so unfair, so wrong! I’m aching for you, my friend, and sending you lots of love and peace. Hugs.

  31. JB November 15, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    It breaks my heart that you’re having to go through this 😦 Loss is a devastating, horrible thing. Take time to grieve. I didn’t, and I thought I was fine, until everything came crashing down. Praying for y’all through all this. I’m so glad that you have an amazing husband supporting you.

  32. jo November 15, 2012 at 7:29 am #

    my heart goes out to you and your husband. there are no words. *hug*

  33. marwil November 15, 2012 at 7:26 am #

    This is such a beautiful and heartbreaking post to read. I’m so sorry for your loss, it doesn’t make sense at all why this has to be such a hard and painful journey.

  34. Jenny November 15, 2012 at 7:12 am #

    I’m so very sorry, Jenn. You’re so right when you say that love and support comes from more than words. Words are inadequate at a time like this. I’ll be keeping you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

  35. futuresoccermom November 15, 2012 at 6:56 am #

    Such a beautiful post. I am so sorry for you, and keeping you in my thoughts.

  36. Aspgriswold November 15, 2012 at 6:54 am #

    Jenn, my heart hurts so much for you. I hate that you have to be going through this. So much. Know that you both are in my thoughts.

  37. Detour November 15, 2012 at 6:54 am #

    Oh, no. I am so, so sorry, Jenn. This is beyond unfair. Cry, scream, write, and do whatever you need to do to get through this. I understand how you can love someone who is so tiny, just at the very beginning of life–I have been there. I found it helpful to call it a someone, not a something, and mourn the loss of my actual baby.

    I’m so sorry and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  38. EmHart November 15, 2012 at 5:45 am #

    Dearest Jenn, I can’t find the words, this is a truly beautiful post. with love x x x

  39. Arwen Rose November 15, 2012 at 4:22 am #

    Dear sweet Jenn, I am so sorry. This is so fucking unfair.

  40. Fertility Doll November 15, 2012 at 4:09 am #

    Such a beautiful post. It’s the first time I’ve let the tears flow when reading a blog post. I’m so sad for your loss, Jenn. All I can do is send you a huge blanket of a hug. x Mina

  41. alloallo November 15, 2012 at 4:01 am #

    I’m just so so sorry this is happening, and am thinking of you. An amazingly eloquent and lovely post for such a difficult time.

  42. veetamia November 15, 2012 at 3:43 am #

    I’m so sorry Jenn, being on that 1% is not fair… I hope you have the time you need to grieve and take care (as well as your husband). Sending love and hugs to all of you.

  43. Love you! November 15, 2012 at 3:03 am #

    http://www.gofundme.com/1iqzxg
    I hope you do not mind me putting this on here. I thought this would be really helpful if we all came together and helped you out to move forward in the process of Making Your Miracle ❤ We love you and your soon to be baby bump!

  44. SM November 15, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Oh, sweetie. This is not fair. Sending hugs and love your way.

  45. The Benda Family November 15, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    I wish I could hug you in real life right now. I’m sending you lots of love, honey. xo

  46. Roxxroxx November 15, 2012 at 12:28 am #

    Jenn, there are no words which I can say that will make this better – but I want to write so you know I’m thinking of you along with so many others. I am so sorry to hear this outcome as I have been following you on your journey for such a long time now. It is so painful never to have, and even more so to have and to lose. I am so glad you have a strong partner and a reliable support system around you, and know that these experiences are making you stronger. Love from Thailand.

  47. Kristin November 15, 2012 at 12:28 am #

    Friend, I am so very, very sorry. You are right, it isn’t fair. Sending light and love and prayers and hugs.

  48. kateetaylor November 15, 2012 at 12:02 am #

    Oh sweetie, I so so so feel for you. i am sending you more hugs than anyone else. Unless they are sending 40001.

  49. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown November 15, 2012 at 12:00 am #

    Oh honey. You sweet, sweet girl. I’m sending a hundred hugs. ❤

    This was beautifully written.

  50. slese1014 November 14, 2012 at 11:53 pm #

    Oh Jenn…I’m so very sorry…the past 13 days I have celebrated with you. And now I grieve with you…I have been there & felt what you’re feeling. I am here for you any way I can be…you just let me know…love & hugs!!!

  51. laughingpromises November 14, 2012 at 11:50 pm #

    My heart literally hurts for you and I’m crying with you. This post is a beautiful tribute to your beautiful baby, and one day you will get to meet her. I’m so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you and your husband…

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