I’m Still Alive, Just Barely

27 Nov

Hello Ladies.

I hope you will excuse my absence. Dealing with this ectopic pregnancy has took a bigger toll on me than I ever thought it could. But I am back now. I’ve been reading all of your posts despite my lack of commenting. I have read each and every email, comment, and shout out that you have sent and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. It wasn’t my intention to ignore these things, but somehow that was less taxing on my emotions than reliving the experience each and every time I replied.

So, where am I in this process? Well, the first dose of methotrexate didn’t work so I got a second dose last Wednesday. My period started on Friday despite my HCG levels still not dropping. Friday night/early Saturday morning I made yet another trip to the ER with terrible pain and heavy bleeding. I was eventually discharged with directions to stay off my feet as much as I possibly can and to come back if the pain got any worse. As of yesterday my beta level has still not dropped sufficiently. Tomorrow I go in for one final beta test and if the number hasn’t dropped by 15% then it’s surgery for me.

I keep thinking that this baby must get her stubbornness from her mother. And in an effort to think positively (or delusionally, the choice is yours) I tell myself that clearly she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. This didn’t really hit me until I saw the blood. The experience was akin to every other month of TTC when I was hit in the face with a BFN–the reality of that never really set in until my period started. That’s how I knew it was really over. And this was no different. Mentally, I was well aware that this pregnancy was in no way viable, and yet, there was this small part of me that held out hope for a miracle. If my beta kept rising then eventually I would see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat on the u/s screen. Nevermind the irreversible damage the methotrexate would have caused. Those are minor details in the face of a miracle.

Then the bleeding and cramping started signaling to my heart that it was time to accept what my head already knew: this is over. I wept. I screamed. I moaned. And I think I’m still in the process of grieving my loss. I have also decided that I want to commemorate this experience. For however long it lasted, this will always be my first pregnancy and incidentally it will always be my first loss. This has changed me in a way that few things ever have.

My husband wrote to me, “I can’t stop feeling the weight of all this. The tragedy of it. Never have I experienced a more permeating and profound sadness. Time I guess. Only time heals wounds this deep. It’s the most bitter cure, but it’s the only one that really works. I wish it would leave a big scar, that everyone could see and wonder and ask about. I wish for people to know the seriousness of the trauma I have experienced.”

So I have decided to leave my own permanent scar on my body. A symbol of this trauma that everyone will see and ask about.

I haven’t decided where on my body I want to put it.

I considered my front hip, close to where she lived for a brief moment in time.

I considered my ribcage under my breast, somewhat close to my heart.

I considered my wrist where I could and would look at it every day.

I considered my back, on my shoulder blade so that I wouldn’t have to look at it every day.

But it’s permanent placement in still up in the air, much like the fate of my left tube. Maybe once this is all over then the solution will become clear? Until then, I am open to suggestions.

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23 Responses to “I’m Still Alive, Just Barely”

  1. No Baby Ruth December 12, 2012 at 6:37 am #

    Damnit, I’m going back through older posts and I could’ve sworn I’d already commented on many of them. But now I see no comments, from me. Sorry about that!

    I love this tattoo. It’s beautiful.

  2. Anna December 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    My husband and I have also thought of tattoos after the loss of our baby. I’m not sure what or where I will put it but one day I hope to be brave enough to do that. I hope you find the perfect spot for it.

  3. Arwen Rose November 29, 2012 at 10:57 am #

    That tattoo is beautiful. I am so sorry.

  4. Fertility Doll November 28, 2012 at 6:26 am #

    I see your baby as a fighter too. Truly heartbroken for you and your husband. I am sending a big hug your way and I really hope this awful process eases up for you.

    Beautiful way to commemorate. I would place it on your left wrist (like in the picture) because it’s the closest hand to your heart. Or I’d place it on your hip so it remains intimate- just suggestions.. really you should place it where you believe it should be.

  5. veetamia November 28, 2012 at 5:48 am #

    Hi Jenn, glad to hear you are ok…I’m so sorry you had to go through the pain of an ectopic pregnancy….it just sucks. I love the idea of the tattoo, I would put it in my wrist to look at it constantly, as a reminder of the dream that was lost and the hope of the rainbow baby to come. Sending you hugs.

  6. Roxxroxx November 28, 2012 at 12:39 am #

    We have missed you and are very happy to have you back. So sorry to hear you are still going through so mucvh pain. The tattoo is really lovely and I agree with the others that it will be lovely wherever you put it. I hope your body deals with the loss and that you don’t have to undergo any more surgery. Love and hugs.

  7. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown November 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

    You’ve been on my mind, babe. I love the tattoo. I hear ribcage hurts like a b-tch. What about upper back in the center? I know a gal that gets a circle of something every year or so, roughly the same size, down her spine. I have to admit, they’re good looking tattoos. The placement looks so nice in dresses. xoxo

  8. storkchaser November 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    So glad to have you back. I’m so freaking sorry you’ve had to go through this. I really really hoped you would never experience such heartbreak. I love you and lmk when you get your tat! Maybe I’ll finally get mine too. We can have a tattoo Skype date and bawl overvideoas the tattoo needles are whirring haha!

  9. bethanykenyon November 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    I am so sorry for your pain. There is no pain like the pain of losing a baby. I like that you are getting a tattoo to commemorate her, I think it’s beautiful. Sending you much healing.

  10. Sunshine November 27, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    One day at a time. Some will feel like progress and others will feel like huge leaps back. But they are all healing, time really is a bitter but effective cure. Love and hugs.

  11. Sunny November 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

    I’ve been thinking about you oh so so so much this past week. I’m deeply saddened that this happened, and I wish there were some way to ease the pain for you. I think the tattoo is a fantastic idea. This little one will always be your first. I am hoping and wishing on everything possible right now that you do not have to go through a surgery. Big hugs to you and the Mr.

  12. laughingpromises November 27, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

    What a beautiful way to commemorate your little one. I am so sorry…my heart hurts for you and I am tearing up just thinking of the pain you’re going through. I wish there was more that I could do, but I will be praying for you and your husband and knowing that your little one will be in heaven missing you just as much as you miss her.

  13. nonsequiturchica November 27, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this and I hope that you don’t have to have surgery. Thinking of you…..

  14. Seagull November 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you are finding some peace. the tattoo sounds like a great way to remember your pg.

  15. Theresa November 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    Everyone else has basically already said everything I’ve thought, but I wanted to send hugs. I Got my most recent tattoo on my foot – able to cover it up but able to see it when I want to. I think the perfect place will come to you. HUGS

  16. steph50 November 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

    Thinking of you and sending hugs your way… I’m crossing my fingers that your left tube is intact!The tattoo is gorgeous, and I think the placement will seem right to you in time.

  17. slese1014 November 27, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers every day. From my own experience with loss, I kept my distance to allow you some time to heal. Someone asked me when I got over my miscarriage…I said I’ll let you know and that was 2 years ago. I love the idea of a tattoo to remember.
    I am so very sorry this has been dragging on for you. My hope is that you are able to heal with time and although you will never forget, you will be able to move forward again. Keeping you and your hubs in my thoughts and prayers….

  18. KelBel November 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    My heart aches for you (reading your post brought back many of my own feelings from our last loss). I really hope you don’t have to go through surgery and that your next beta comes back with acceptable numbers.
    I love the tattoo design…good luck deciding on a place for t.

  19. 35life November 27, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Reading this, my heart aches for you. I can’t even imagine your pain. I really do like the thought of your little one being a stubborn fighter and I love the tattoo design. I think you’re right that the placement will become clearer to you when you are ready.

  20. Jenny November 27, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    This post brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this terrible loss.

    The idea of the tattoo is a wonderful one. I personally like the idea of putting it near where your baby was growing, but whatever you decide will be the right place.

    *hugs*

  21. Kristin November 27, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    I’ve been thinking about you, hoping you were okay, and sending lots of positive thoughts. I’m sorry the ectopic has turned into an even bigger issue than it is for most. Typical, right? However, I think you are right. That little babe wanted you as much as you wanted the babe. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  22. Kathryn November 27, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    Girl, you’ve been on my mind constantly. I’m so sorry that the process you have been going through has been so rough and long, especially when you are already dealing with the loss. No need to add anything on to that. I’m glad (is that the right word?) that your husband feels the magnitude of this, that you don’t feel alone in your pain and grief. That you feel validated by his own. And what a wonderful idea, to remember your baby with a marking on your body. I have no thoughts on where to put it, I know you’ll find the right place.

    • Jenn November 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

      Thank you everyone for the warm welcome back. It will never cease to amaze me how accepting and supportive you all are–I feel your hugs and love, truly I do. And I’m glad you guys like the tattoo. I think I’m going to draw it on my body in various places to see where I can live with it. Have I ever mentioned that I am terrible at making permanent decisions, so this may very well be quite a drawn out process 🙂

      Thanks and again. Love. Love. Love.

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