Happy Holidays

24 Dec

It’s Christmas Eve and I miss my baby.

When I first found out that I was pregnant one of the first things that I did was sign up for pregnancy updates from BabyCenter. I still get those updates every week and for some reason I can’t bring myself to unsubscribe. Today I would be 11 weeks pregnant, but instead I’m sitting here, utterly alone, on Christmas Eve. I know that I am only torturing myself. I know it’s cruel that I continue to subject myself to these weekly reminders of what was and what will never be, but I can’t stop. I can’t forget. I can’t move on.

Today should be a happy day. My husband and  I should be opening our one present tonight. We have a tradition is which we buy an ornament every year that somehow captures something big that happened over the previous year. We always open that ornament together on Christmas Eve. This year it would have been an ornament to celebrate my finally being pregnant. But instead, both my uterus and my bed are empty. I am separated, childless, and feeling so very alone.

I know that the holidays are a difficult time for us infertiles. I’m now just learning that the holidays are also a difficult time for us single ladies, as well. And when the two are combined? Well, the word difficult doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling. Impossible, maybe. But then I don’t have the option of impossible. Tomorrow I have to get up and do it all over again. I have to find a way to make it possible to live my life regardless of what my current circumstances are.

I know that I am strong. I know that I deserve to be happy. I know that I will get through this. But for tonight, I am choosing to embrace my sadness because while, I know that I deserve to be happy, I also know that I deserve to be sad. I refuse to harbor any guilt over the fact that tears fall from my eyes every time I stop and think about my predicament. I refuse to make excuses for my anger because I damn well should be angry. One day I will be happy. One day this pregnancy will be but a distant memory. One day I will move on from my marriage. However, today is not that day. Today I am sad, bitter, and angry. And that is exactly where I want to be. I am giving myself permission to not apologize for my feelings.

Merry Christmas Ladies. And I mean that so sincerely. I hope you all find a reason to smile and a way to embrace your own sadness because I am here to tell you that it is okay to feel that way.

Love. Love. Love.

wish

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14 Responses to “Happy Holidays”

  1. nonsequiturchica December 31, 2012 at 9:59 am #

    Oh Jenn I’m so sorry that life has decided to throw so much shit at you lately. You are absolutely entitled to be bitter, angry, sad and 10 million other emotions these days. Try to surround yourself with family and friends and know that we are here supporting you!!

  2. Hapa Hopes December 30, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    You deserve every happiness in the world, and you will get there. The suckage is only for now.

  3. YeahScience! December 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    Omg that JPG at the end of your post is PERFECT. “Do your job” is right.

    I also have some lousy Christmas associations — this Christmas was supposed to be our due date, and instead (thanks to an ectopic), it’s still just the two of us. But I can’t imagine what you’re enduring right now, relying on your own solo efforts to pull through such a hard time. Anger and tears and bitterness are the LEAST you are entitled to. The world owes you a lot more, and I can only hope things get better from here on.

  4. auntmimi December 28, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    I signed up for those damn updates too. But I am the opposite of you, as soon as I m/c’d and I got that next update, I got ticked off and unsubcribed. I hope you survived the holiday’s.

  5. coombers December 27, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    I know how u feel, I would have been 16 weeks now, but had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. This Xmas has been so hard, It seems everyone else in my family and friends is pregnant, and have had no problems getting there, but 2013 is not going to be unlucky, it’s going to be a good year, it will all work out for you.

  6. Luna December 27, 2012 at 9:35 am #

    I hope you have been scooped up and surrounded my loving family and friends over this holiday time. I can’t imagine how hard this year must feel for you. Good things are around the corner though, I just know it. Lets put 2012 in a box and shut the lid and jump into 2013 feet first and full of hope.

  7. slese1014 December 27, 2012 at 12:31 am #

    I’ve now read this post 3 times and each time I’ve either teared up or full on cried. I am so sorry you are where you are. So much has been thrown at you….no one should have to take all that on at once. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs….I so wish there was more I could do or say….

  8. bethanykenyon December 26, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    I’m sorry all that you have gone through and are going through…..I’m hugging from not that far as I’m in NJ…so maybe you can feel it a little more then normal!! Much love!!!

  9. storkchaser December 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    I’m so effing sorry friend! I’m so mad that life has been so shitty during the holidays too. You deserve your baby and pampering and I’m sorry you don’t have all of that. I hope you’re enjoying your day a little better than your night last night. Love you long time!!!

  10. steph50 December 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    Sending you lots of love in these tough times xox

  11. LisaB December 25, 2012 at 5:51 am #

    I’m so sorry girl. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the new year brings you all the happiness you deserve!!

  12. makingpebbles December 25, 2012 at 3:02 am #

    Merry Christmas Jenn. Thinking of you. Be kind to yourself x

  13. Amanda December 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

    Merry Christmas Jenn! I hope that even if it is for one small moment, you too will find a reason to smile tomorrow! Thinking of you! Hugs!

  14. SM December 24, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

    Oh, sweetie. I’m so so sorry. Sending you hugs and love during this difficult holiday.

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