It’s Christmas Eve and I miss my baby.
When I first found out that I was pregnant one of the first things that I did was sign up for pregnancy updates from BabyCenter. I still get those updates every week and for some reason I can’t bring myself to unsubscribe. Today I would be 11 weeks pregnant, but instead I’m sitting here, utterly alone, on Christmas Eve. I know that I am only torturing myself. I know it’s cruel that I continue to subject myself to these weekly reminders of what was and what will never be, but I can’t stop. I can’t forget. I can’t move on.
Today should be a happy day. My husband and I should be opening our one present tonight. We have a tradition is which we buy an ornament every year that somehow captures something big that happened over the previous year. We always open that ornament together on Christmas Eve. This year it would have been an ornament to celebrate my finally being pregnant. But instead, both my uterus and my bed are empty. I am separated, childless, and feeling so very alone.
I know that the holidays are a difficult time for us infertiles. I’m now just learning that the holidays are also a difficult time for us single ladies, as well. And when the two are combined? Well, the word difficult doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling. Impossible, maybe. But then I don’t have the option of impossible. Tomorrow I have to get up and do it all over again. I have to find a way to make it possible to live my life regardless of what my current circumstances are.
I know that I am strong. I know that I deserve to be happy. I know that I will get through this. But for tonight, I am choosing to embrace my sadness because while, I know that I deserve to be happy, I also know that I deserve to be sad. I refuse to harbor any guilt over the fact that tears fall from my eyes every time I stop and think about my predicament. I refuse to make excuses for my anger because I damn well should be angry. One day I will be happy. One day this pregnancy will be but a distant memory. One day I will move on from my marriage. However, today is not that day. Today I am sad, bitter, and angry. And that is exactly where I want to be. I am giving myself permission to not apologize for my feelings.
Merry Christmas Ladies. And I mean that so sincerely. I hope you all find a reason to smile and a way to embrace your own sadness because I am here to tell you that it is okay to feel that way.
Love. Love. Love.