2013: The Year of Possibility

5 Jan

Well, ladies and (at least) one gentleman, 2013 has arrived at last. Never in the history of me have I wanted a year to be over more than I wanted to watch 2012 go down in flames. I don’t think I am alone in this sentiment. Everywhere I look it seems people are saying good riddance to the suckage that was 2012 and eagerly anticipating the promise that 2013 holds. I would be a fool to deny the probability of terrible things happening in this new year, but from where I am standing, it couldn’t possibly be worse that the year that just ended. Wood! Wood! Must find wood to knock on!

I lost the use of my foot for a few months. I lost my baby. I lost my husband. I hope I’m not the only one that senses the recurring theme. Loss. 2012 was a year of profound losses. Losses that I will never totally recover from; losses that have changed who I am fundamentally as a woman. As a human. And yet, this vantage point where I currently stand allows me to see that in great loss comes great perspective. In the face of loss, one only has to wait for hope to set in. It’s a natural cycle that each and every one of us knows by heart.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on the past year, but eagerly anticipating the year that lies ahead and the possibility that it contains.

I may have lost, but I am not lost. In fact, as each day passes I accept the idea that this year will the exact opposite of losing. This year will be about growth, gaining, and giggling. And I am keeping my heart open to all the endless possibilities that lie before me.

2013 is going to be a good year. It simply has to be.

Now to answer your questions from a previous post, as promised….

So what is your new job? Are you doing what you went to school for? And tell us about college please!

Since February, I have been working for a solar company. It’s a pretty small place so we all wear a lot of different hats. Mostly I am responsible for helping my clients with getting their grants and tax credits from the federal, state, and local governments. My recent promotion involves doing the entire financing aspect. It is not even close to what I went to school for. I have an English Literature degree–also knows as the most worthless degree known to man. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED studying literature in college, it just didn’t really help me once I graduated.

College was pretty boring for me….I didn’t go until I was about 23 so all the other students were younger than me and all my friends had already graduated. I commuted to school so I basically went to campus, did what I had to do, and got the hell out of there.

Now that you and your husband are split, are you at all grateful that kids didnโ€™t work out for you two?

I am totally split on this question.

On one hand, I am so glad that we aren’t dragging a child into this mess. It would only make things so much more complicated for everyone involved.

On the other hand, since I know that infertility was a huge factor in our split, I can’t help but wonder if we had a child if things would be different for us. Then there is the whole I’m getting old thing…would having a baby on my own and through a separation be better than having no baby at all? The selfish side of me wants to say yes, but the logical side of me knows the right answer.

How are your feelings towards your husband? Are you full of animosity and frustrationโ€ฆb/c you have come across so strong and patient and kindโ€ฆif it were me, I feel like I would want to hurt him! When is he moving out and what are his next steps? Has he resigned yet and where does he plan on getting all this money to travel the world? In the past several years you have been married, has he ever talked about the open marriage thing, or now looking back can you see where this all started?

Ok…that’s a lot to cover. I’ll see if I can manage ๐Ÿ™‚

My feelings toward my husband are complicated. That’s the short answer. We still get along pretty well as long as we aren’t talking about us or our future. He is still one of my best friends. I love him for who he is, but I hate him for what he is doing to our family. I want to hug him to show him my love, but I also want to hit him to show him my anger. I am beyond frustrated, but I can’t say that I harbor any animosity. When you know someone as well as I know him, then it’s easy to see where their motivations lie and I know that he isn’t doing this to hurt me. But just like I had to put myself first sometimes in the past, now he has to put himself first. I can’t talk him out of this and I can’t change his mind. All I can do is let him know where I stand. Make him aware of the risk he is taking by making this decision. At least this is how I feel today. If you ask me tomorrow then you might get a completely different answer.

He is in the process of moving out. He has always been such a procrastinator and I can imagine that it’s hard walking away from the comforts of your home. But, this is the decision that he has made and in order to offer my support, I am bringing home boxes from work and “encouraging” him to get the hell out just as fast as he can. He’ll be staying with his brother until I can find a roommate to share our house with me. Once I have a roommate then he will be looking for his own teeny, tiny apartment. We split the money up in a way that made sense for us and once we are separated, I have no say in how he spends his money. I assume he will just save as much as he can as fast as he can in order to travel the world.

Open marriage has come up in the past but never as a possibility for us. A couple that is close friends of ours have an open relationship and we have spent much time discussing that idea but not in a way that applied to our own marriage. At least not from my perspective. Who knows what he was thinking?

I would like to hear more about this date.ย 

I’ve decided to not write about my dating life on my blog. I really hate to censor myself in that way, but I feel I need to for my own protection. Things are quite amicable between my husband and I, currently. I would really like for it to stay that way. If we do end up getting back together then I don’t want him to have access to everything I did while he was gone. And if we don’t get back together then I don’t want my words being used against me. I have to protect myself legally, you know?

But if you really want to know, email me for the details ๐Ÿ˜‰

Now back to my 2013 “resolution”…..I’m writing a book! I have always wanted to do it and I think now is the perfect time. I suppose it’s going to be memoir-ish. Oddly enough, I’ve had enough shit happen to me in my 29 years to actually fill an entire book. However, the focus is going to be my infertility and collapse of my marriage–all the choices I made and that were made for me that led me to this point. I’m hoping that by the time I finish, I will have a happy ending to add.

And then, Lifetime can buy the movie rights. Because if the last year of my life doesn’t read like a Lifetime Movie of the Week then I don’t know what does.

Happy New Year, Ladies!

Love. Love. Love

 

 

 

 

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26 Responses to “2013: The Year of Possibility”

  1. Eskimo Kisses January 17, 2013 at 10:27 pm #

    I have nominated you for the Leibster award. http://eskimokisses4u.blogspot.com/2013/01/leibster-award.html

  2. jells @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown January 17, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    Holy sh-t, dude! I had no idea. I mean, you mentioned it briefly before, but for some reason it caught me by surprise. Maybe you more than me, though?

    I heard recently that a couple who are dealing with a tragedy will either fall apart from the stress, or get stronger together. However, the stress (of the tragedy) only puts pressure on the cracks and flaws that were already there.

  3. expecting to be expecting January 15, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

    I didn’t know you and your husband had ended the relationship but you are handling this so well. I’m sure there are tough moments but man, you are my new hero for taking such good care of yourself during a hard time.

    2012 was just such a waste of time. I met someone today and I thought i had met them last spring 2012 and I realized it had been spring 2011 and then I tried to piece together 2012 and then I realized that 2012 was a patchwork of blahness. Sounds like it was for everyone. Boo 2012.

    2013 is gonna be a much better year. Looking forward to hearing all about your awesomeness in 2013.

  4. amy January 9, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

    You are inspiring my friend ๐Ÿ™‚ I love your bright outlook and your positive attitude…I’m sure you don’t feel it, but it sure comes across that way. Thank you for taking the time to answer questions. I’m super stoked about this book…I can TOTALLY see you doing this and it being successful! Good luck and keep us posted on this adventure ๐Ÿ™‚ Wishing you so much goodness in 2013 Jenn! Love you xoxo

  5. No Baby Ruth January 9, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    I’m so hopeful for you that 2013 is going to bring much joy. 2012 really was about the king of all suckage, so you’re surely due a fantastic year!

    I think the book idea is WONDERFUL! Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you haven’t LIVED a lot. Plus, you have a built-in sequel in 20 years… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Rochelle January 8, 2013 at 11:50 am #

    I can relate so much to your struggles with your husband. About a month after we experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks (in 2008), we decided to separate. I moved about 4 hours north of where we had lived and he moved to Prague. We spent a few months separated by an ocean and a few more apart while in the same state. I took a long break from blogging, especially about dates with other people. A little over 6 months went by before we decided to move into the same town together and give things another shot. Getting back together was the hardest thing we ever did and it took at least 6 months to really work through the thick of our big issues. It’s now been 4 years since we first separated and looking back, I’m still glad it happened.

    I’m wishing you the best no matter what may come of your marriage. And you can bet I will be pre-ordering that book of yours too!

    • Jenn January 8, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

      Wow! Rochelle, I had no idea! But that gives me a lot of hope. I really want things to work out for my husband and I, but I can’t deny that we need this time apart. I might be emailing you, if you don’t mind ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. YeahScience! January 7, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

    “in great loss comes great perspective” — that is beautiful! Make that sentence feature prominently in your soon-to-be-bestselling memoir. ๐Ÿ™‚ So much truth there, and it makes me so happy that you’re mature and smart enough to acknowledge it. Keep writing as much as possible, especially during this crazy/tough period.

  8. nonsequiturchica January 7, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

    Despite your year last year, you are upbeat and positive about 2013 which I LOVE.

    I was a sociology major in college (which I have never used) and I don’t use my law school degree either!!

  9. Kristin January 7, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    Your job sounds amazing, but I will buy and read your book so you can kick the job to the curb and become a novelist, if you choose. Best of luck in this new year.

  10. Luna January 7, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    Jenn you are amazing and you inspire me with your strength. I am so excited for 2013 because I feel it in my bones, it is going to be a good year for us my friend. Wonderful things are waiting round the corner and all of the pain of 2012 will be in the past. With love and hugs honey x x x

    • Jenn January 7, 2013 at 10:13 am #

      Yes!! You are so right, lady! xoxo

  11. Kelly January 6, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    All I can say is, I wish you the very best in 2013 and I cannot wait to hear about all the good things in store for you!

    • Jenn January 6, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

      Thank you lady. I miss you! Let’s catch up soon ๐Ÿ™‚

      Sent from my iPhone

  12. Shelley January 6, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    Wishing you nothing but the best in 2013, my dear! I know 2012 was almost impossibly hard and I was so impressed to read the line about how you lost so much but YOU are not lost. Incredible strength you have. I just know you will be okay and wonderful things are to come.

    • Jenn January 6, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

      Thanks Shelley!! We have all tested our own strength this past year. And I know you are still in the midst of that. Never discount how far you’ve come. Love you lady. Xoxo

      Sent from my iPhone

  13. bethanykenyon January 6, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

    Happy New Year to you!!!! Damn you are a strong women….I hope you know that and realizes it everyday!!!! Good things are going to happen in 2013!!!!

    • Jenn January 6, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Thank you lady! That means so much to me. I’m feeling stronger every day!

      Sent from my iPhone

  14. jo January 6, 2013 at 9:09 am #

    good luck in 2013!

    • Jenn January 6, 2013 at 9:57 am #

      Thanks lady!

      Sent from my iPhone

  15. cgd January 5, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    thinking of you and sending you so much love for 2013- i agree, it has to be our year!!! we deserve it

    • Jenn January 5, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

      Yes we do. We ALL do!!!

      Sent from my iPhone

  16. storkchaser January 5, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

    I’ve been super psyched about the whole book-writing thing. I knew it would happen!

    Ugh I’m not happy that he’s not out yet, but I’m glad he’s on his way. And I went to college later and had that same experience. I was hoping for a better story!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Love you sweetie and I know this is going to be a great year for you. It already has been! Love you!

    • Jenn January 5, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

      Love you too lady!! Thanks for ALL of your support!! Skype date soon?

      • storkchaser January 5, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

        yes!!!! you’re keeping me on pins and needles woman! monday night work for you? unless you have time tomorrow… ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰

        • Jenn January 5, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

          Sunday or Monday night works for me. Just whoever the man isn’t home.

          Sent from my iPhone

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