This Isn’t My Place Anymore

27 Nov

It’s been just shy of two years since I’ve written here. I’m sure no one is lingering in these dusty halls any longer. And yet, I find myself back here, longing for a place that once felt like home.

There will be no Future Fords. This name is a lie.

The divorce is imminent. I haven’t even tried getting pregnant since the ectopic pregnancy and subsequent termination. Even this keyboard feels foreign as I type. A laptop used pretty much as a conveyance to type my thoughts here, the keys feel clunky and spaced awkwardly. There’s been a lot of deleting and re-typing.

On this, this day of Thanksgiving, I am finding it hard to be thankful. I can’t be thankful that most days are spent dragging myself out of bed. That my first thought every morning is still, ‘when will I get my baby?’ My last thought when I fall asleep is much the same. I can’t be thankful that I am caught up in this terrible cycle, knowing where I’ve been and what it will likely take to get back there again. The only thing worse than trying, is not trying and knowing what trying again means.

I’ve seen the dark side and I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that. I’m not sure there is any dragging another man down into the trenches with me. I’m not sure there is any hope left in this broken body of mine, this broken mind of mine.

But it’s what I want.

It’s what I’m willing to go down for.

It’s what keeps gets me out of bed despite feelings to the contrary.

It’s what makes me know I’m ready to try again it whatever form that may take.

And it’s what lets me know I’m ready to start writing about it once more.



13 Responses to “This Isn’t My Place Anymore”

  1. Roxxroxx March 18, 2015 at 4:22 pm #

    still here 🙂

  2. mrsgrobecker February 10, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

    Still here, hope you are well

  3. Aimee December 3, 2014 at 9:38 pm #

    Still here too – I see your blog in my feed all the time and hope you are doing ok. I’m glad to see you writing again. Good luck with your journey!

  4. robin December 2, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    I’m still here! Honestly I saw your post pop up on my reader just now and I was like WHAT! She’s back! Hi, I am glad you posted. ❤

  5. SM November 28, 2014 at 8:43 pm #

    Still here and still reading! I dont blog any more but Im still hanging around. Your journey and story is definitely notnover and you cant give up yet. Keep pushing, sweetie!

  6. nonsequiturchica November 28, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

    Still here and ready to support you! Maybe it would make sense to move your blog to another address that does suit you? (But tell us the address of course!)

  7. sarahs75 November 28, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

    Think of you often….happy to read whatever you might have to say….always here for you….if you need anything…Hugs lady

  8. Mari A November 28, 2014 at 12:55 am #

    So glad to see you around. Don’t give up on your dreams!

  9. Kristin November 27, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

    Oh, these halls aren’t so dusty. Welcome back.

  10. Mari A November 27, 2014 at 11:34 pm #

    I was thinking about you the other day. Don’t ever give up on your dreams. I’m glad that you are back.

  11. thebarrenlibrarian November 27, 2014 at 10:29 pm #

    Still here-still caring. Hoping things start looking up for you.

  12. RainbowCatcher November 27, 2014 at 9:29 pm #

    I’ve missed you, friend. And I think about you often. Glad you are writing again.

  13. baylord1 November 27, 2014 at 9:06 pm #

    I’m still lingering. Your story isn’t finished and you should never give up on your dreams. Have hope.

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