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2013: The Year of Possibility

5 Jan

Well, ladies and (at least) one gentleman, 2013 has arrived at last. Never in the history of me have I wanted a year to be over more than I wanted to watch 2012 go down in flames. I don’t think I am alone in this sentiment. Everywhere I look it seems people are saying good riddance to the suckage that was 2012 and eagerly anticipating the promise that 2013 holds. I would be a fool to deny the probability of terrible things happening in this new year, but from where I am standing, it couldn’t possibly be worse that the year that just ended. Wood! Wood! Must find wood to knock on!

I lost the use of my foot for a few months. I lost my baby. I lost my husband. I hope I’m not the only one that senses the recurring theme. Loss. 2012 was a year of profound losses. Losses that I will never totally recover from; losses that have changed who I am fundamentally as a woman. As a human. And yet, this vantage point where I currently stand allows me to see that in great loss comes great perspective. In the face of loss, one only has to wait for hope to set in. It’s a natural cycle that each and every one of us knows by heart.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on the past year, but eagerly anticipating the year that lies ahead and the possibility that it contains.

I may have lost, but I am not lost. In fact, as each day passes I accept the idea that this year will the exact opposite of losing. This year will be about growth, gaining, and giggling. And I am keeping my heart open to all the endless possibilities that lie before me.

2013 is going to be a good year. It simply has to be.

Now to answer your questions from a previous post, as promised….

So what is your new job? Are you doing what you went to school for? And tell us about college please!

Since February, I have been working for a solar company. It’s a pretty small place so we all wear a lot of different hats. Mostly I am responsible for helping my clients with getting their grants and tax credits from the federal, state, and local governments. My recent promotion involves doing the entire financing aspect. It is not even close to what I went to school for. I have an English Literature degree–also knows as the most worthless degree known to man. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED studying literature in college, it just didn’t really help me once I graduated.

College was pretty boring for me….I didn’t go until I was about 23 so all the other students were younger than me and all my friends had already graduated. I commuted to school so I basically went to campus, did what I had to do, and got the hell out of there.

Now that you and your husband are split, are you at all grateful that kids didn’t work out for you two?

I am totally split on this question.

On one hand, I am so glad that we aren’t dragging a child into this mess. It would only make things so much more complicated for everyone involved.

On the other hand, since I know that infertility was a huge factor in our split, I can’t help but wonder if we had a child if things would be different for us. Then there is the whole I’m getting old thing…would having a baby on my own and through a separation be better than having no baby at all? The selfish side of me wants to say yes, but the logical side of me knows the right answer.

How are your feelings towards your husband? Are you full of animosity and frustration…b/c you have come across so strong and patient and kind…if it were me, I feel like I would want to hurt him! When is he moving out and what are his next steps? Has he resigned yet and where does he plan on getting all this money to travel the world? In the past several years you have been married, has he ever talked about the open marriage thing, or now looking back can you see where this all started?

Ok…that’s a lot to cover. I’ll see if I can manage 🙂

My feelings toward my husband are complicated. That’s the short answer. We still get along pretty well as long as we aren’t talking about us or our future. He is still one of my best friends. I love him for who he is, but I hate him for what he is doing to our family. I want to hug him to show him my love, but I also want to hit him to show him my anger. I am beyond frustrated, but I can’t say that I harbor any animosity. When you know someone as well as I know him, then it’s easy to see where their motivations lie and I know that he isn’t doing this to hurt me. But just like I had to put myself first sometimes in the past, now he has to put himself first. I can’t talk him out of this and I can’t change his mind. All I can do is let him know where I stand. Make him aware of the risk he is taking by making this decision. At least this is how I feel today. If you ask me tomorrow then you might get a completely different answer.

He is in the process of moving out. He has always been such a procrastinator and I can imagine that it’s hard walking away from the comforts of your home. But, this is the decision that he has made and in order to offer my support, I am bringing home boxes from work and “encouraging” him to get the hell out just as fast as he can. He’ll be staying with his brother until I can find a roommate to share our house with me. Once I have a roommate then he will be looking for his own teeny, tiny apartment. We split the money up in a way that made sense for us and once we are separated, I have no say in how he spends his money. I assume he will just save as much as he can as fast as he can in order to travel the world.

Open marriage has come up in the past but never as a possibility for us. A couple that is close friends of ours have an open relationship and we have spent much time discussing that idea but not in a way that applied to our own marriage. At least not from my perspective. Who knows what he was thinking?

I would like to hear more about this date. 

I’ve decided to not write about my dating life on my blog. I really hate to censor myself in that way, but I feel I need to for my own protection. Things are quite amicable between my husband and I, currently. I would really like for it to stay that way. If we do end up getting back together then I don’t want him to have access to everything I did while he was gone. And if we don’t get back together then I don’t want my words being used against me. I have to protect myself legally, you know?

But if you really want to know, email me for the details 😉

Now back to my 2013 “resolution”…..I’m writing a book! I have always wanted to do it and I think now is the perfect time. I suppose it’s going to be memoir-ish. Oddly enough, I’ve had enough shit happen to me in my 29 years to actually fill an entire book. However, the focus is going to be my infertility and collapse of my marriage–all the choices I made and that were made for me that led me to this point. I’m hoping that by the time I finish, I will have a happy ending to add.

And then, Lifetime can buy the movie rights. Because if the last year of my life doesn’t read like a Lifetime Movie of the Week then I don’t know what does.

Happy New Year, Ladies!

Love. Love. Love