It’s not much yet, but it’s a start. http://www.awomanlikethat.wordpress.com
It’s been just shy of two years since I’ve written here. I’m sure no one is lingering in these dusty halls any longer. And yet, I find myself back here, longing for a place that once felt like home.
There will be no Future Fords. This name is a lie.
The divorce is imminent. I haven’t even tried getting pregnant since the ectopic pregnancy and subsequent termination. Even this keyboard feels foreign as I type. A laptop used pretty much as a conveyance to type my thoughts here, the keys feel clunky and spaced awkwardly. There’s been a lot of deleting and re-typing.
On this, this day of Thanksgiving, I am finding it hard to be thankful. I can’t be thankful that most days are spent dragging myself out of bed. That my first thought every morning is still, ‘when will I get my baby?’ My last thought when I fall asleep is much the same. I can’t be thankful that I am caught up in this terrible cycle, knowing where I’ve been and what it will likely take to get back there again. The only thing worse than trying, is not trying and knowing what trying again means.
I’ve seen the dark side and I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that. I’m not sure there is any dragging another man down into the trenches with me. I’m not sure there is any hope left in this broken body of mine, this broken mind of mine.
But it’s what I want.
It’s what I’m willing to go down for.
It’s what keeps gets me out of bed despite feelings to the contrary.
It’s what makes me know I’m ready to try again it whatever form that may take.
And it’s what lets me know I’m ready to start writing about it once more.
Protected: I’ve patched together the bare bones of my new, anonymous blog. A different corner of the internet for me to makemy new home. Feel free to email me for the password to this post (unless you are legally married to me), which contains the link to my new blog. Thanks and I hope to see you there!24 Jan
I hope you all can forgive my absence. I’ve just been at a total loss as to what to write about. This space of mine no longer seems to fit me. Or rather, I don’t seem to fit it anymore. I’m obviously no longer trying to get pregnant. And the title itself, “The Future Fords,” no longer defines my life. Chances are that the only Future Ford that will walk this Earth is yours truly. I am struggling with how to turn this one time infertility blog into a blog that encompasses this whole new person that has been left in its wake.
And what of these friendships that we’ve forged? I mean, you guys know more intimate details of my life than most people care to even imagine. But what do I have to offer you if not tales of woe and misfortune of the fertility challenged?
I could regale you with stories of my separation. I could tell you what I ate for breakfast. I could even share the details of my dating life. But all that seems to pale in comparison to drama was my life TTC. Hell, I don’t even know when my last period started because single, non-procreating women like me have no need for such unpleasant details.
Maybe I will start a new blog. An anonymous blog. A place where I can write freely about my life without fear of judgement from (ex?) husbands, would-be-friends, or nosy neighbors. And while I am busy divulging my secrets in that new corner of the internet, I will let this place sit and collect cobwebs-much like my reproductive organs will be doing. Then one day, I can pick it back up, dust it off, and find you all right where I left you. Only, you’ll all be caught in the bliss of motherhood while I, once again, play catch-up.
I suppose there are worse things than suspending time.
I imagine myself pushing pause, not only here on my blog, but also on the part of me that wants nothing more than to be a mother. And for the next 6 months, 1 year, 5 years–however long it takes–the other underdeveloped parts of me will get a chance to shine.
World traveler Jenn.
Boy crazy Jenn.
Best friend Jenn.
Dessert baking, picture taking, clothes making, risk taking Jenn.
Will you join me on my new adventure?
I have a sneaking suspicion that the world will not actually be ending tomorrow. I mean, it’s already tomorrow in Australia and as far as I know, they’re still there. Right? Laughing promises, I’m talking to you! However, my world will continue to end one small piece at a time regardless of any ancient prediction ever made. However, there have been many a high point in my life this past week and I would like to share those with you:
- I got a promotion, a raise, a bonus, and an award at work this week!!
- And please trust me when I say that it couldn’t have come at a better time. My husband basically told me that I needed to find a new job that would better allow me to support myself in his absence. I won’t get into those details because this is a HAPPY post…but now I don’t have to because they offered me a great salary increase and health benefits! Plus my boss told me that everyone in the office voted me as their favorite person. Just more confirmation that I am super awesome 🙂
- I got not one, but two special deliveries this week. I got a box of goodies from Kathryn and a super sweet card from Lisa. In fact, I’m still smiling from the generosity of these amazing woman who I am privileged to call friends.
- Plus I went out on a date. What?!?! I know, right? I certainly didn’t waste any time. But whatever. It gave me a confidence boost that was much needed. And even more than that, provided me with a great distraction. I’d like to write more about it but my husband still has access to this blog and I’m still not quite sure how I plan to handle that.
- Just to bring this post down one notch…my effing beta came back at 8 today. 8!!! Seriously. Will this never end??? I desperately want to get back on the elliptical.
- Can you imagine how much money we could all save if this actually existed? Dibs on the patent…like it doesn’t already exist.
- So, between the fact that not a damn thing is going on in my TTC journey and the fact that my husband still has access to my blog, I have really been struggling with things to write about. This is where you come in…ask me anything. Anything! Leave your question in the comments and I will answer each and every one on my next post. Don’t hold back, ladies. It’s an Ask Jenn free-for-all-jamboree. I’ve been known to play a mean harmonica.
- This includes all of the many, many lurkers that came out of hiding to request my password on the previous post. Now that I know you are out there I want to hear from you!
Love. Love. Love.
I’m going to take a break from the shitstorm that I shared with you yesterday to tell you all about one of the few bright, shiny spots in my life right now: my friends. These girls.
A few weeks ago my friend Brooke, the red head wearing blue, texted me and told me to keep my whole schedule free on 12/8 because I was hers for the day. However, she told me it was a surprise and that I was not allowed to ask any questions. And that if I wasn’t happy with the surprise that I could hate her forever. Sounded like a fair deal to me.
Now it must be said that I HATE surprises. It’s not so much the act of being surprised that I hate, it’s anticipating the surprise when I know that it’s coming. I just don’t have the patience to wait to found out what the surprise is. I want to know NOW! So, a word to the wise: if you plan to surprise me with something make sure that I have no idea that a surprise is awaiting me.
December 8th finally arrived and my friend/SIL Kate, in the pink and white stripes, picked me up around 1pm and drove me over to Brooke’s. When we arrived, we turned around and got right back in Kate’s car and headed to our surprise destination. My sweet friends had chipped in to get me an hour long massage while they all waited across the street at a bar so that the day could be just for me. And this card explains exactly why they did this for me.
I started crying right then and there in the spa. The staff thought it was so sweet that my friends surprised me and assumed it was my birthday. After a resounding round of happy birthdays, I looked desperately at my friend for assistance because I had no idea what to say. I probably wouldn’t have blurted out exactly what was on my mind: no it’s not my birthday. I’m here to forget about a lost pregnancy after years of trying unsuccessfully. Boy, would I have like to see the look on their faces! Luckily, my much more level-headed friend informed them that I was simply there to de-stress. No need to upset the spa staff, I suppose.
It might have seriously been the best massage I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize just how much I needed it until I was practically in tears on that table as I allowed myself that one hour to forget about the lost pregnancy and the other crippling, stressful things going on in my life at this moment.
But the surprises didn’t end there. I walked across the street to meet my friends at the bar only to be greeted by two additional friends who came along for the surprise, Jackie, the redhead in the glasses, and Kasey, the blond in the back. We had a drink at the bar and then headed to our next destination: the nail salon. They had arranged for wine ahead of time and 5 pedicure chairs in a row. So there we sat, me in the middle, drank, laughed, got pampered, and talked about everything except my pregnancy loss. After our pedicures we all got gel manicures. If you haven’t had a gel manicure, you definitely should try it. I will never look back and neither will you 🙂 After two bottles of wine and an hour of fun, we left the salon just a wee bit tipsier than when we came in.
From there, they took me to a new restaurant downtown where we ate salad and pizza and drank more wine. After dinner, we headed back to Brooke’s house house for hot chocolate spiked with smores vodka. And before you ask, no, I did not drive home.
I just don’t even know what to say about these girls. Normally I have some emotionally driven, heartfelt explanation for how I feel about these things, but tonight I am at a loss. These ladies are my everything and I simply don’t have the words to express what they mean to me. I’m not even sure that adequate words exist that would capture their place in my heart. I love them. In every single sense of the word love. I wouldn’t be whole if I lost a single one of them. They are so different from one another in so many ways, but when combined they complete everything I have ever needed or wanted. I simply love them, good and bad, for exactly the people that they are.
This day was one of the best days of my life. And I needed it so bad. They saw that need and they met that need. Really, what more could a girl ask for?
Love. Love. Love.